meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Easter

Friday, April 04, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Easter

Third Sunday of Easter

Acts 2:14a, 36-41
Psalm 116:1-4, 12-19
(Ps. 116:13)
1 Peter 1:17-23
Luke 24:13-35

Acts 2: 14-41

14 Den Peter stowd up wit teh eleven an sed to teh cwowd: "Oh hai!
15 Weez not drunk sillee! It be nine ay em, DO NOT WANT!
16 U know wut Joel teh profitz sez? Wel I tell yu:
17 'In teh last daiz, Ceiling Cat sez,
Im in ur urthz, puurin teh spiritz on all kittehs,
Ur suns and doters can has profisies,
Ur yung kittehs can has fun time in teh eyez!
Ur old kittehs can has fun time in teh branez!
18 Yo!
I can has be puttin my spiritz on even teh servents! RLY!
And dey can has profisies.19 Iz gunna show u all ov teh fun stuffs up in teh Ceilin, srsly.
Oh! Yeh! Iz almos can has no memowies. Iz awso gunna show fun stuffz on teh urthz.
Oh wate, dos not fun! Urthz can has firez an smoke. Kawf! Kawf! DO NOT WANT!20 Teh big day staw, no moar!
An teh moon can has be all blud and stuffz. Yuk!
but den Jeebus can has be back! Yayz!21 An evewywun who be like "Jeebus!" can has cheezburger! Rly!'

22 Hey kittehs of teh Israel, lissen to dis: Jebus wuz of Ceiling Cat, srsly. He doed ALL teh cool stuffz an stuff.
23 An den yu kill him, rly.
24 But den Ceiling Cat browt him bac! He can has teh powah! Deths... wuz dat? lol.
25 Dis iz wut David sed:
'Ceiling Cat alwayz be wit me, kinda creepy
26 but oober asum!
27 Cuz u no leev me 4 woomun,
Ceiling Cat, even if her chesticlz be hyoooooj!!
28 You teechz me 2 not suck'
29 Kittehs,I can has wordz that teh David... he is ded.
30 But he wuz profet, srsly. Ceiling Cat sed dat his kittehs one day be on teh thronez.
31 Den Ceiling Cat wuz all sayin about Baby Jebus raisen frum teh ded!
32 Baby Jeebus wuz all bac from the ded, yu kno dis. Yu saweded!
33 Nao hez sittin wif Ceiling Cat.
34 Nao David, he can has no asenswion to teh Ceiling, but he sed,
Teh Lord sed to mai Lord:
Sit wit me.
35 I pwnzor ur enimes! Srsly.'
36 "Yo! Lissen! Ceiling Cat madeded Baby Jeebus, whom yu makez ded (lols), like teh Ceiling Cat."
37 Den teh oddah kittehs mewed and beez lik, "omfg! Wut can has we be doin?"
38 Peter sed, "Go get a waterbath in teh name of Baby Jeebus, cuz yooz stinks, srsly! an yu can has no mor Invisible Errorz! Den yu can has HovrCat in yu!
39 Even ur kittenz can has dis. Even dos dat ar all far awai and stufz."
40 Den Peter beez all mean and scoldeded dem for awhilz; den he wuz all, "Sav urself! You can no has corupts generyashun! DO NO WANT!"
41 Ovah tree tousund kittehs can has waterbaths!

Psalm 116

1 I luvs CEILING CAT, cuz he has hearded my mews and my meows.
2 Cuz he tiltz his ear to mee, therefor I will mew to him until I diez.
3 Sadz bout death rap round mee liek blankie, oucheez of hell gets hold of my scruff: I findz trublz and sadz evrywherz.
4 Den I mews in name of CEILING CAT; O, CEILING CAT, pleez, I can has delivered soul?
5 Gracious iz CEILING CAT, and osum; yea, our Cat has mercee.
6 The CAT savez da simpul: I wuz made low-liek, and he helpded mee.
7 Keep napping, O mai soul; for CEILING CAT has givn you comfy place and full belly for good sleepin.
8 For yoo savez mai soul from deff, mai eyez from cri, mai pawz from falling.
9 I will walk before the CEILING CAT in the land of the living.
10 I think troo, so I speeks: I waz hurt much:
11 I sez in mah hurt, all peeps are liars.
12 CEILING CAT givez me cheezburger, wut I give him?
13 I takez water bol of salvationz and call on CEILING CAT.
14 In frunt ov evrybodee I say I wurship CEILING CAT.
15 Wen CEILING CAT seez gud peeps die, he callz dem "Mah Preshous."
16 O CEILING CAT, truly I am only gud to lick your ears, I am only gud to lick your ears.
17 I will give awai mah cheezburger and mah bukkit and call on yoo.
18 I will give awai mah cheezburger and mah bukkit so all peeps can see it.
19 In the courts of the CAT's hous, in the middul of thee, O Jerusalem. Praise ye the CAT.

1 Peter 1: 17-23

17 If u ask stuff of Ceiling Cat, who sees wut u did there and knoes if it is win or fail,
18 u r able to go has cookies and chzburgurz not cuz of gold
19 knoes that u r win cuz Jeebus bleeded.
20 Jeebus had an I win button 4 us
21 who leik him and Ceiling Cat.
22 Cuz u leik Jeebus and Ceiling Cat,
23 u r tiny kittn and ur full of win

Luke 24:13-35
Goin to Emmaus

13 Dat day a coupl of teh follorz wuz goin to Emmaus wich iz diz place somewere.
14 An talkin about whut had jus happnd wich iz dat JezuzKat wuz sleepin fur long time now, wich make senze they talk bout dat cuz they not have TV or Intertubez too watch.
15 Whiel dey wuz talkin Jesus comd up, witch he cud do cuz he not sleepin on da two big stiks no more, but he look diffrent frum befour cuz he felt lik bein tricksie so they think he jus sum uther guy, like Gandalf in LOTR LOL.
17 He wuz liek "How iz yu gentlemenz? WHAT HAPPEN?!?"
Dey got all sad in da face.
18 Wun of dem - hiz naem wuz Cleopas, but dat not imporant - wuz all "Were U bin, in sum hole in da ground? Bcz u doant know what happen? Someonez set Uz up da bomb."
19 "What yu sai?" sed Jesus.
"Liek dere waz dis d00d Jesus," dey sed.
20 "Dey killded him on too big stiks.
21 an we wuz hopin he wud saev dis hole big cuntry we in. Suprize dow, dey killded him real ded three dayz ago!
22 Plus dis mornin sum of teh ladiez wented to teh big hole.
23 Dey didn't finded hiz bodi but dey sez dere wuz birdkatz in a hole sayin he wuz not really ded fur al time, jus short time cuz it not realie dat fun.
24 Sum of our frendz wented to teh big hidey hole. It not haz any ded stuff in it but dere wuzint enni birdkatz dere ether."
25 Jesus wuz liek "Foolz u iz actin liek n00bz that kries.
26 Itz not liek Jesus didint explaen all dis whiel he wuz here."
27 So he tellded em stuff frum in teh Bible, wich is diz book, stuff from teh beginnin, wich waz lotz of talkin. Dey stil didint know who he wuz k. Meybe diz cuz dey stoopid az dogz. Mebbe not.
28 When dey gotted near Emmaus, witch wuz dat place, he pritendid he wuz goin farthr.
29 But dey wuz all liek "Itz dark which iz SCARY, u can stai wif us PLZ." So he did.
30 When dey hadded dinnr he taked teh cookies an sed "Thank yu Ceiling Cat" an gived dem to evribodi.
31 Den dey see hez not jus sum guy, he Jezuz Kat! Dey sey "ITZ YU!!". So he move "ZIG" like Ceiling Cat lazerz an iz gone LOL.
32 Dey wuz all lookin fur he undur dat table like "WTF?"
33 Dey wented straet bak to Jerusalem, wich iz da big citee, to teh othr katz
34 an wuz liek "Itz true! Jesus Kat iz aliev an Simon seed him wit hiz eyes."
35 Dey tellded what had happnd, witch waz lots uf stuf dat waz sayed befor, so jus think uf dat stuff said one mor time.