LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Jeremiah 23:1-6
Luke 1:68-79
Jeremiah 23:1-6
Psalm 46
Colossians 1:11-20
Luke 23:33-43

Jeremiah 23:1-6

1 5"BEHOLD, TEH (J)DAIS R COMIN," DECLAREZ TEH LORD,"WHEN IM GONNA RAIZE UP 4 DAVID RIGHTEOUS (K)BRANCH;AN HE WILL (L)REIGN AS KING AN ACT WISELY AN (M)DO JUSTICE AN RIGHTEOUSNES IN DA LAND.
2 6"IN HIS DAIS JUDAH WILL BE SAVD,AN (N)ISRAEL WILL DWELL SECURELY;AN DIS AR TEH HIS (O)NAYM BY WHICH HE WILL BE CALLD,TEH (P)LORD R RIGHTEOUSNES.
3 7"(Q)THEREFORE BEHOLD, TEH DAIS R COMIN," DECLAREZ TEH LORD, "WHEN THEY WILL NO LONGR SAY, AS TEH LORD LIVEZ, HOO BROUGHT UP TEH SONS OV ISRAEL FRUM TEH LAND OV EGYPT,
4 8(R)BUT, AS TEH LORD LIVEZ, HOO (S)BROUGHT UP AN LED BAK TEH DESCENDANTS OV TEH HAUSHOLD OV ISRAEL FRUM TEH NORTH LAND AN FRUM ALL TEH COUNTRIEZ WER I HAD DRIVEN THEM. DEN THEY WILL LIV ON THEIR OWN SOIL verse

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Luke 1:68-79

Zechariah's Song

67 Hovr Cat wuz in Zechariah, makin him tell teh fyoochr.
68 "Good for u Ceiling Cat, u maed thingz bettr for Israel.
69 U pickted up a trumpit for us.
70 Liek teh profetz sed u wud.
71 U protectided us from all teh bulliez.
72 U wuz niec to our daddiz an remembrd dey hadded a deel wif u.
73 Teh deal u maded wif Abraham,
74 to protect us, n let us work for u wifout fear
75 n be good all our lievz.
76 Mai kittn, peeplz wil call u Ceiling Cat's profet
becz us wil get evrithin reddi for him,
77 so dat peeplz Invisible Errors will be forgivn,
78 bcz Ceiling Cat iz niec, liek teh sun
79 dat shienz an liets teh wai."

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Psalm 46 A Mightee Hidey Place is Our Ceiling Cat 1 Ceiling Cat iz our hidey place and our strenf, he iz dere for all timez we sez, "hlep!" 2 We iz not teh skered, even if the Urf eated itself and mountinz fallz down into oshun 3 Even if waterz go RAWR and mountains go RAWR 4 Dere is river wif streamz that make Ceiling Cat's citee pleased, is holy place where only holyist can sit and lick harblz. 5 Ceiling Cat iz inside her, she is not fall down. Ceiling Cat wakez her up with gentul pawslap to faec. 6 Nationz iz angry, kingdoms fallz, Ceiling Cat meowz loud and Urf turnz to smoosh liek wet fud. 7 CEILING CAT IS WIF US, the Cat of Jakob is our hidey place. 8 Come and seez the wurks of the CEILING CAT, the mightee scratchez he haz maded on the Urf. 9 He makez warz stop to the endz of da Urf; he breakz the claws and shatterz the teef, he burninates the kitty carriers wif fire. 10 "Make quietz, and seez I am Ceiling Cat; I am bestest in ur cuntrees, everyone is want wurship me on Urf." 11 Celing Cat Almightee is wif us; the Cat of Jakob is our hidey place.

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Colossians 1:11-20

11 b'ing stronged wif all da base laik he wanz so'z u may haz loong napz 'n pacient wait 4 cheezbrgr, 'n hapi
12 givin' thanx to da Dadz whu maik u valid 4 inheritunz ov All Saints 'n deir tunez. (r'ly! wan sentincz!)
13 4 He iz da wan who savez uz fron lotz ov darkniss (4 He is Cat and seez) 'n gived us dem ginkdom ov theez Son he <3 luvz <3,
14 whom wif we haz redempschun, da forgez ov sinz.

The Supremacy of Christ
15 'e is de imigz ov da invisibl Ceiling Cat, da furst cat ovr dem rest.
16 4 he maded all stufz: stufz in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat 'n stufz on dis planit, visibl an' invisibl, if they iz seatz ov base or bossmen or bossmen ov bossmen, he maded dem 4 himselfz!
17 He iz wat iz befor all stufz, and he maik all stufz b.
18 He iz da 'ead ov da body, da churchz!: he is da begining and teh furst cat from da zombicatz, so whatevir iz he iz bossman!
19 4 de Ceiling Cat was hapi to haf everithin in 'im,
20 'n be also da settlimnt-maker ov all playces, even if iz in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat or on dis planit, so he go to da X and bleedz.

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Luke 23:33-43

23 But evribodi wuz all "CROSS NOW"
24 so Pilate sed "k."
25 He let teh othr d00d go an gaev Jesus to teh pplz.

Teh Cross
26 Whiel dey wuz draggin him awai dey seed Simon from Cyrene an maed him carri teh cross.
27 Lotz of peepl wuz dere, includin sum ladiez who wuz cryin.
28 Jesus wuz liek "U shudnt crai for me. U shud crai for urselvz an ur kittnz.
29 Bcz teh tiem wil com when u wil wish u nevr hadded eni kittnz at all.
30 Den " 'u will be liek Mountinz, fall on us!"
an hillz, covr us!" '
31 If peepl do dis when there is cheezeburger, what thei do when thei can no has cheezeburger?"
32 Two othr d00dz wuz dere to be eksekutid. Dey wuz criminalz k.33 Dey caem to dis plaec called teh Skull (rock!) an crucified Jesus betwin teh criminalz.

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LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for November 14, 2010

 Sunday, November 14, 2010

Isaiah 65:17-25
Isaiah 12
Malachi 4:1-2a
Psalm 98
2 Thessalonians 3:6-13
Luke 21:5-19

Isaiah 65:17-25

new heavens an new earth
17 "behold, im gonna create New heavens an new earth. Teh formr things will not be rememberd, Nor will they come 2 mind.
18 butt be glad an rejoice forevr In wut im gonna create, 4 im gonna create jerusalem 2 be delight An itz peeps joy.
19 im gonna rejoice ovar jerusalem An taek delight in mah peeps; Teh sound ov weepin an ov cryin Will be herd in it no moar.
20 "nevr again will thar be in it An infant hoo livez but few dais, Or an old man hoo doez not liv out his yeers; He hoo diez at hundrd Will be thot mere youth; He hoo fails 2 reach [a] hundrd Will be considerd accursd.
21 they will build haus an dwell in them; They will plant vineyardz an eat their fruit.
22 no longr will they build haus an others liv in them, Or plant an others eat. 4 as teh dais ov tree, So will be teh dais ov mah peeps; Mah chosen onez will long enjoy Teh werkz ov their hanz.
23 they will not toil in vain Or bear children doomd 2 misfortune; 4 they will be peeps blesd by teh lord, They an their descendants wif them.
24 before they call im gonna anzwr; While they r still speakin im gonna hear.
25 teh wolf an teh lamb will fed togethr, An teh lion will eat straw liek teh ox, But dust will be teh serpents fud. They will neithr harm nor destroy On all mah holy mountain," Sez teh lord.

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Isaiah 12

Teh Song Of Kthx
1 On dat dai, teh kittens sai "Oh Ceiling Cat, ai praise yu, yu wuz mad at me but nao yu hug me.
2 Teh Ceiling Cat helpd me so ai will not be frayd ov yu. Teh Ceiling Cat iz mah pop an mah helpr. He giefz meh teh strenth n teh pwr.
3 Liek teh fresh wtrz iz gd to drinkz (n only to drinkz, no washin plskthx), dat is liek how teh Ceilin Cat is to teh othr kittehz dat he saevz."
4 An on dat dai sai "Praise teh Ceiling Cat, he iz teh pwnz0r. Tel him to helpz yu! Tel teh othr kittehz dat he iz teh awesumness!
5 Pls to meowz to teh Ceilin Cat bowt hw much he rawks! Maek sure teh othr kittehz hearz yur meowinz.
6 Pls fur all teh kittehz in teh Zion to yowl n meow! Teh Ceilin Cat frm Israel is teh smexx0rz, n he liefs wid his pplz."

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Malachi 4

Teh Ceiling Cat Sum Zup
1 Teh ceiling cat sez "Glowbl Warm iz happen d00dz. srsly."
2 "Not worriez - Am save u. Put u wiv der mooes."
3 "Stamp on teh bad kittehs pls."
4 "No forgot Moses? Dat storey iz klassik! Memba da ten r00lz"
5 "Elikhat sez 'BRB!' He bak b4 Urf go BOOM!"
6 "Elikhat start HART TRANSPLANT FRENZEE!! Or teh ceiling cat spank. Big tiem!"

DIS AM END OV PROFFITZ
kthxbai

Psalm 98 1. U spos'd 2 meow 2 Ceiling Cat fur all deelishus cookies he haz made. Wiht hiz 4 pawz an hiz armz too haz made us salvashun 4 himz. 2. Celing Cat showd how good he'z an all hiz salvashun to all da cats from heer to blokcs and blokcs from heer. 3. Ceiling cat has membered how much He luvz Izreel an want to pet dem cats all teh tiem. All teh cats form heer to blokcs an blokcs from heer hurd bout salvashun uv da Ceiling Cat. 4. Meow and purr like der is catnip to Ceiling Cat. 5. Twang doze funy instamens teh peepul play, I guess cuz taht's wut He wants... Meow sum more! 6. Make mor noiz, speshly wtih ur nose and meow 'til evn dah sleepsy peepul gets up to gives Him cheezburga. 7. Make sooooo much noize dat teh fishboul movz an teh fishz in it, and teh hol hous. Srsly. 8. Teh rivurz outside shud clap what handz theyz got an big hillz shud make noize like dey has meny cheezburga for Ceiling Cat comz back to tell all uv dem to behaiv while He's at wurk. An he telz all teh cats from heer to blokcs and blokcs from here to behaiv.

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2 Thessalonians 3:6-13

Dont Be Teh Lazy, d00dz
6 In teh naem of teh Pwnz0r Baby Jebus, we tellz u, d00dz, not to hang wif any d00dz who are teh lazy and dont do wut we told u to do.
7 Srsly, u gaiz gotz to do wut we duz. We wernt lazy, we nevr ate nobuddy's cookiez wifout payin. No wai, d00dz, we werkeded ALL TEH TIEM. srsly.
8 Iz not liek we HAD to werk and stuf, we jus wanned to sho u guyz how iz doen.
9 Wen we wuz dere, we tolded u d00dz: "if u cant haz werk, u cant haz teh cookiez." (lol pwned)
10 We herd dat sum of ur d00dz wuz in ur town, eatin ur foodz wifout werkin.
11 To thoes d00dz: srsly, plz to go be errnin ur cookiez, k?
12 And to u udder d00dz, dont get tiered of bein rite and stuf. srsly.
13 If anybuddy duznt lissen to us, dont tawk to him no moar and maek him feel liek teh los0r.

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Luke 21:5-19

5 Jebus eated all teh cookiez an waz liek
6 "Dere will be daiz wif NO cookiez!!"
7 An deh fat kittehs wuz all "Oh noes! When will dis happenz? Liek rite now?"
8 But Jebus wuz liek "Nah. Not yetz. But dere will be peeps dat sez 'We can haz apocatlypse?' an yuz shud no followz dem. Cuz deys r jus impersoninatin meh."
9 Wen u haer of liek kitteh fite an stufz, dont be scardy kitteh, for dis stufz must happen 1st an it wont be de end fur de kitteh."
10 Den he sayd to dem " kitteh will fite against kitteh, kitteh house against kitteh house, kitteh bruva aginst kitteh bruva. will be no gud, buh dun be scardeh kitteh."
11 Den Jebus teh Happy Cat sed "dere will be bad tiemz wen der is no cookyz, naut even tiny wunz, and no cheezburgaz."
12 Jebus sayed "buh befoh dis happins, sum bad peeps will come and traiz to eatchoo, fur dey finks dat teh followerkittehz of happycat is gud fur nomz. dey bring u 2 graet houses of teh kingz, and dey will sai 'dese kittehs r fail cuz deys is bff wiv Jebus'"
13 "dis meenz dat dey want to maek joo An Witness to teh uber win that iz meh, Jebus, Teh Happy Cat."
14 "buh dun wurrieez."
15 "cuz i will tell yuu wordz of pwn and epik, and joo shall pwn tehm."
19 Jebus said "If you can has payshuns, you can has teh moar tinie, tastyer cookies!"

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LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Haggai 1:15b-2:9
Psalm 145:1-5, 17-21 or
Psalm 98
Job 19:23-27a
Psalm 17:1-9
2 Thessalonians 2:1-5, 13-17
Luke 20:27-38

Haggai 1:15b-2:9

15 gettin startd three an' a bit weeks later.

Templ all naice n shiny
1 In layt July teh ceiling cat am cum to Haggai.
2 "Go see Zerubbabel, kitteh of Shealtiel, teh guvnor uv Judah An Joshua, Jehozadak's ickle kitteh, teh hi preest An all so wots left ov de peeps an sayz:"
3 "Dudes, WTF happnd? Ware did all go rong?"
4 "Buff up guyz - I, teh ceiling cat, am wiv u!"
5 "No be fraydy-cat - I, teh ceiling cat, am heer."
6 "I maek urf kwake - Ricta scale no am inventd yet but I do big kwake!"
7 "I shake til monies fall owt ov pocketz. Putt monies in howse."
8 "I wants all shiny fings, is all mines."
9 "Dis howse wil be betta dan evah. All wil be nice n kwiet - no fytin"

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Psalm 145 1 I will exAlt u, mah Ceiling Cat teh Pwn 2 Evry dai I will IM u , An fwd u fr evr An evr 3 Great iz teh CEILING CAT an most worthy of kibble; his pwn nowun can haz 4 One base will fwd ur email to anoner; dey will macro of ur pwn 5 They will post of teh phishee pwn of teh Ceiling Cat, An I will downld ur pr0nz 6 They will post of teh pwn of ur awzom pr0nz, An I will post of ur winz 7 They will partaay ur lots of joy n joyness, An joyly macro of ur pwn 8 Teh Cieling Cat iz grayshus An compa - compa - neet; slow to report an rich in Friend List 9 Teh Cieling Cat iz cool to evryon; he can haz neet on all he haz not eated 10 All u haz not eated will macro u, O Ceiling Cat; ur Friends will fwd u 11 They will post of teh winz of ur base, An email of ur pwn 12 so all minz can haz be on ur Friends List, An hang at ur base 13 Your base is not b bedlong'd by anyone else, An ur chrysanthemum livz thru all madeds. (Teh Ceiling Cat iz fayfthul to all hiz threadz, An lovin to all he haz not eated)+ 14 Teh Ceiling Cat b catchin all those who haz no toastback, An liftzes those who haz teh bluz 15 All eyez look to u, An u giv them der kibblez at noon 16 U open ur paw, and givz all kittehs der cheezburger when want. 17 Teh Ceiling Cat iz admin in all hiz forumz, An neet towardz all he haz not eated 18 Teh Ceiling Cat iz near to all who IM him, An all who email him in troof 19 He fulfeelz teh desires (not in that wai, perv) of dose who feerz him; he seez der IMz An unbanz dem 20 Teh Ceiling Cat b watchin' all dose who masturbate, but all teh meanies he will eated 21 My postz will chatspk in teh prayz of teh Ceiling Cat; Let evry spambot prayz hiz holy name; for evr an evr or until teh connection diez. +Apochrypha = i think dis meenz iz extra.

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Psalm 98 1. U spos'd 2 meow 2 Ceiling Cat fur all deelishus cookies he haz made. Wiht hiz 4 pawz an hiz armz too haz made us salvashun 4 himz. 2. Celing Cat showd how good he'z an all hiz salvashun to all da cats from heer to blokcs and blokcs from heer. 3. Ceiling cat has membered how much He luvz Izreel an want to pet dem cats all teh tiem. All teh cats form heer to blokcs an blokcs from heer hurd bout salvashun uv da Ceiling Cat. 4. Meow and purr like der is catnip to Ceiling Cat. 5. Twang doze funy instamens teh peepul play, I guess cuz taht's wut He wants... Meow sum more! 6. Make mor noiz, speshly wtih ur nose and meow 'til evn dah sleepsy peepul gets up to gives Him cheezburga. 7. Make sooooo much noize dat teh fishboul movz an teh fishz in it, and teh hol hous. Srsly. 8. Teh rivurz outside shud clap what handz theyz got an big hillz shud make noize like dey has meny cheezburga for Ceiling Cat comz back to tell all uv dem to behaiv while He's at wurk. An he telz all teh cats from heer to blokcs and blokcs from here to behaiv.

U noez ur scareeness iz bad wen eben Hiz Royal Ebilness, Basement Cat, baks awai in feer!

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Job 19:23-27a

23 I wish that some kitteh would write down this story on teh internets! Srsly!
24 An liek, make sure to back it up safe too, so that future kittehs will always be able to knows it!
25 Anyway, stills I know for surez that I iz still gonna be saved. I knows it!
26 Evn when I has no skin left at all!
27 I knows that this is not teh end of teh story for Ceiling Cat an I!

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Psalm 17 1 O CEILING CAT, can haz grate justice? Chek it: I is cryin. Chek my wordses cuz I no lyez. 2 Wuzn me stol taht cheezburgr. Ur laik, "duh!" 3 U haxord my brain n hart wile i waz sleepzors. U got r00t but findz no pr0n. No haz invisible error. 4 I dos wat u sez, so no folowz lamerz n trols. 5 I folow teh TOS; no lye. 6 I mssg u cuz u mssgz me bak, CEILING CAT. stik ur head owt of hole in ceiling an lisen. 7 Let me petz ur fuzy bely. Wif ur awsom claus u help tohs hu runz frm nmez. 8 Guard me laik u would guard ur pwn eyes. Hid me plz. kthx. 9 Ban teh lamzors calin me geh, seemz laik flam war gainst me. 10 Tehy r wifout piti. Listn, tehy sez tehy r 1337! nfw 11 Tehy is scanz my portz. reedz my netbios. 12 Tehy is laik hungry n wanz to eet me laik cheezburgr— laik hungry lusers in line at bk. 13 Wak up, O CEILING CAT! Pwn tehm 4 me kthx! Scrachz tehm wif ur claus! 14 By ur masiv cheezburgr, O CEILING CAT, pwn tohs lamerz hu look 4 datez on yahoo, but givez ur frenz (laik me hint) a reel chik. if burf contrl faileth, let themz kidz have game consols an den dere kids can haz dem win dey growz out of dem (never lol). 15 Cuz I rulz, n I wil seez you. Win I wakez up, I wil seez u face 2 face and w00t!

 

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2 Thessalonians 2:1-5, 13-17

Teh Manz uf Lawlzlessnesses
1 Reegardins teh commin of ar Lawrd Baby Jeebus Chrst n ar bein gafverd 2 hem, we axt u, bruthrs,
2 not to becum eesily sceerd or alrmeds by sum professy, reprt or ledder supose to be frum us, saizin that teh dai o teh Lawrd hads alreddy camed.
3 Dun let enewon trickses joo, fur tat dai wil not comes intel teh rebbelyon goes n teh mans of lawzlessnesses is can be showd, teh man dooomd to destruxon!!!
4 Him does not want and will sais hisself is awwsumr tahn Ceiling Cat, so taht he can has hole in ceiling for hissef.
5 Dun u ramembr dat I toll joo dis befor?

Stan Ferms!
13 Butt we awt alweyz to bes tankin Cieling Cat 4 joo, bruddrs luvd by teh Lawrds, becuz frum teh beginnin Ceiling Cat chosded joo to be saevs tru teh sanctfyn wurk of teh Hovr Cat an tru beleevin in teh troof.
14 He callded joo to dis tru ar gaspl, so 4 you to has sum of da glury of ar Lawrd Baby Jeebus Crist.
15 So den, bruddrs, stan ferms an huld to teh teechins we past on to joos, bai talkins or riteins.

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Luke 20:27-38

Kweschun bowt Zombytiem
27 Der wer dez d00dz calld Sadducees, an dem not believ dat kittehs coem bak to lief.
28 So dem ax Jebus "O hai. Moses sez dat if a d00d gits deded wif no kittens, him bruvver shud marry ded d00d's widoh to hav kittens.
29 So der wuz dez sevin bruvvers. Firs won gits deded wif no kittens,
30 so him widdoh marryz secon bruvver, but him gits deded too. No kittens.
31 So widdoh marryz third bruvver, an forf an fiff an all ov dem.
32 Den her git deded.
33 So wen evrybodee coemz bak to lief liek zombys, wich won iz her marryd to?"
34 And Jebus sez, "U moron, only aliev kittehs gits marryd.
35 Aftr coem bak, no won gits deded agin.
36 So if dem git marryd an hav kittens, den it git too crowded. So aftr coem bak, no moar weddinz.
37 U tink no kittehs coem bak, but remimbr burnin bush? Moses calld Ceiling Cat teh Ceiling Cat of Abrahamsammich, an Ceiling Cat of Isaac, an Ceiling Cat of Jacob.
38 An him not Ceiling Cat of deded d00dz, but of livin d00dz."

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LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Halloween, October 31, 2010

Halloween Sunday, October 31, 2010

Habakkuk 1:1-4; 2:1-4
Psalm 119:137-144
Isaiah 1:10-18
Psalm 32:1-7
2 Thessalonians 1:1-4, 11-12
Luke 19:1-10

 

Habakkuk 1:1-4; 2:1-4

Habakkuk
1 Teh orakul dat Habakkuk teh prophet gotzted. Habakkuk sez
2 OHAITHAR Ceiling CAt, why u be ignorin me?
3 ur all liek, "violenz n haterz, let me show you dem"
4 ther4, u suck. luv, Habakkuk

1 Me goes on meh chimneys and waits for Ceiling Cat. He ansurz aftr while about I said... and might taeks meh cheezburgers CEILING CAT'S answer
2 So Ceiling Cat sez: "Here's a tablet, makes it with big pawz so other kittehs can see, k?"
3 "I knoes u be waitin 4 da revelashun, but these things take time. hez comin tho, u wait." (Check back of book if u can't wait)
4 "And chekz it out, k. The kitteh with big thinks about hizself... hiz fur iz not so fluffy, srsly! But, the good kittehs haz the nine lives cuz dey the trust Ceiling Cat."

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Psalm 119 Teh Aleph 1 [a] Luky dem hus pat iz raizos, dey hu fallow da Ceiling Cats lov.2 Luky dem hu keepz Hiz kovenant an bai their hole hart azk Hiz wil,3 thei hu don do ´rong but wook Hiz wayz.4 U´ve given ur rulz to bii fulli obeid.5 Aww, dat mai wayz wer stedi wen dooin´ woot u sayz!6 I won´t be a n00b wen i´m dooin´ all w00t u sayz.7 Ai wil meow 2 u from mai hart wen learnin´ ur gud lawz.8 Ai wil do w00t u sayz - never 4sake me. Teh Beth 9 How a lil´ kittah keepz hiz wei purrrrr? Bai livin´ az u sayz.10 Aim lockin´ 4 u wit all my hart; don´t let me to do w00t u not wish.11 Ur word is in mai hart, stoppin my sins12 Meow 2 u, aww Ceiling Cat, teez me w00t u sayz13 Ai wil sayz 2 evry1 all dat komes from ur mouth14 Ai liek 2 do w00t ya sayz liek ai liek a kup o´ gud milk.15 I think ov w00t u sayz´n luk 4 ur wayz.16 Ai enzoi w00t u sayz; ai wil not 4get ur wordz Teh Gimel 17 Pet ya lil´ kittah´n ai wil liev, ai wil obei ur wordz.18 Open mai aiz 2 see niec tingz in ur law.19 Ai am a stranger on earth; don´t hide w00t u sayz from me.20 Mah soul iz consumd wif longin 4 ur laws at all tiems.21 u rebuke teh arrogant, hoo r accursd, Dose hoo stray frum ur commandz.22 remoov frum me scorn an contempt, 4 i keep ur statutez.23 though rulers sit togethr an slandr me, Ur servant will meditate on ur decreez.24 ur statutez r mah delight; They r mah counselors. Teh Daleth 25 Im laid low in da dust; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur werd.26 i gaev an akownt ov mah ways an u anzwerd me; Teach me ur decreez.27 cause me 2 understand teh wai ov ur precepts, Dat i cud meditate on ur wanderbl deedz.28 mah soul iz weary wif sorrow; Strengthen me accordin 2 ur werd.29 keep me frum deceitful ways; Be grashus 2 me an teach me ur law.30 i has chosen teh wai ov faithfulnes; I has set mah hart on ur laws.31 i hold fast 2 ur statutez, lord; Do not let me be put 2 shame.32 i run in da path ov ur commandz, 4 u has set mah hart free. Teh He 33 Teach me, lord, teh wai ov ur decreez, Dat i cud follow it 2 teh end. [b]34 gimie understandin, so dat i cud keep ur law An obey it wif all mah hart.35 direct me in da path ov ur commandz, 4 thar i find delight.36 turn mah hart toward ur statutez An not toward selfish gain.37 turn mah eyez away frum worthles things; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur werd. [c]38 fulfill ur promize 2 ur servant, So dat u cud be feard.39 taek away teh disgrace i dread, 4 ur laws r gud.40 how i long 4 ur precepts! In ur righteousnes preserve mah life. Teh Waw 41 Cud ur unfailin luv come 2 me, lord, Ur salvashun, accordin 2 ur promize;42 den i can anzwr anyone hoo taunts me, 4 i trust in ur werd.43 nevr taek ur werd ov truth frum mah mouth, 4 i has put mah hope in ur laws.44 im gonna always obey ur law, 4 evr an evr.45 im gonna walk bout in freedom, 4 i has sought out ur precepts.46 im gonna speek ov ur statutez before kings An will not be put 2 shame,47 4 i delight in ur commandz Cuz i luv them.48 i reach out 4 ur commandz, which i luv, Dat i cud meditate on ur decreez. Teh Zayin 49 Oh hai, u no can has forget ur meows to ur behbeh kitteh, fur u haz gave me cheezburger and u has not eated it.50 Iz sik from bad fud but Ceiling Cat sez Ceiling Cat can has keeps me aliev.51 Teh no gud puppehs bark an bark an bark, but Iz eated ur cheezburgerz.52 Ceiling Cat, I can has ur old cheezburgerz, an I eats dem and Iz happeh.53 Iz mad at teh no gud puppehs dat no has gud cheezburgerz.54 I eats ur cheezburgerz were i seepz. Srlsy.55 Wen iz dark, Ceiling Cat, I can has ur naem, cuz I wants can has cheezburgerz.56 I alweyz eated ur cheezburgerz. Kthxbai Teh Heth 57 Oh hai, u r mah cheezburger, Ceiling Cat; I has promisd 2 obey ur meowz. Srlsy.58 i has sought ur face wif all mah hart; givz me cheezburgerz 2 me accordin 2 ur promize,kthx.59 i has considerd mah ways An has turnd mah pawz 2 ur statutez.60 im gonna hasten an not delay 2 obey ur meowz.61 though teh puppehs bind me wif ropez, Im gonna not forget ur cheezburger.62 at midnite i rize 2 giv u thx 4 ur cheezburgers. (Even tho I seeps 20 hrs per day. I iz kitteh an I gets up in teh middle ov teh nite. Srlsy.)63 im frend 2 all hoo fear u, 2 all hoo follow ur meowz.64 teh Urfs iz filld wif cheezburgerz, Ceiling Cat; Teach me ur decreez. Kthxbai Teh Teth 65 Oh hai, do gud 2 ur behbeh kitteh Accordin 2 ur meows, Ceiling Cat.66 I wantz to lurn all bout u an teh ceiling, 4 u is teh awsum.67 before i wuz sik i went in rong kitteh boks, But nao i lissen 2 Ceiling Cat. Srsly.68 u r gud, an wut u do iz teh gud; I can has troof plz?69 though teh no gud puppehs has barked an barkd and barkd, I believs u.70 they is teh meen, But i lieks ur cheezburgerz.71 it wuz gud 4 me 2 be teh sik behbeh kitteh cuz I lurned ur roolz. 72 I lurves teh meows frum Ceiling Cat moar Than teh fanci feest kitteh fud. Kthxbai Teh Yoda 73 Ur hanz made me an formd me; Gimie understandin 2 lern ur commandz.75 i knoe, lord, dat ur laws r righteous, An dat in faithfulnes u has afflictd me.76 cud ur unfailin luv be mah comfort, Accordin 2 ur promize 2 ur servant.77 let ur compashun come 2 me dat i cud liv, 4 ur law iz mah delight.78 cud teh arrogant be put 2 shame 4 wrongin me without cause; But im gonna meditate on ur precepts.79 cud dose hoo fear u turn 2 me, Dose hoo understand ur statutez.80 cud mah hart be blameles toward ur decreez, Dat i cud not be put 2 shame. Teh Kaph 81 Mah soul faints wif longin 4 ur salvashun, But i has put mah hope in ur werd.82 mah eyez fail, lookin 4 ur promize; I say, "when will u comfort me?"83 though im liek wineskin in da smoke, I no forget ur decreez.84 how long must ur servant wait? When will u punish mah persecutors?85 teh arrogant dig pits 2 trap me, Contrary 2 ur law.86 all ur commandz r trustworthy; Halp me, 4 im bean persecutd without cause.87 they almost wipd me frum teh earth, But i has not forsaken ur precepts.88 in ur unfailin luv preserve mah life, Dat i cud obey teh statutez ov ur mouth. Teh Lamedh 89 Ur werd, lord, iz eternal; It standz firm in da heavens.90 ur faithfulnes continuez thru all generashuns; U establishd teh earth, an it endurez.91 ur laws endure 2 dis dai, 4 all things serve u.92 if ur law had not been mah delight, I wud has perishd in mah afflicshun.93 im gonna nevr forget ur precepts, 4 by them u has preservd mah life.94 save me, 4 im yours; I has sought out ur precepts.95 teh wickd r waitin 2 destroy me, But im gonna pondr ur statutez.96 2 all perfecshun i c limit, But ur commandz r boundles. Teh Mem 97 oh, how i luv ur law! I meditate on it all dai long.98 ur commandz r always wif me An mak me wisr than mah enemiez.99 i has moar insight than all mah teachers, 4 i meditate on ur statutez.100 i has moar understandin than teh elders, 4 i obey ur precepts.101 i has kept mah feet frum evry evil path So dat i mite obey ur werd.102 i has not departd frum ur laws, 4 u yourself has taught me.103 how sweet r ur werdz 2 mah taste, Sweetr than honey 2 mah mouth!104 i gain understandin frum ur precepts; Therefore i hate evry wrong path. Teh Nun 105 Ur werd iz lamp 2 mah feet An light 4 mah path.106 i has taken an oath an confirmd it, Dat im gonna follow ur righteous laws.107 i has sufferd mutch; Preserve mah life, lord, accordin 2 ur werd.108 accept, lord, teh willin praize ov mah mouth, An teach me ur laws.109 though i constantly taek mah life in mah hanz, Im gonna not forget ur law.110 teh wickd has set snare 4 me, But i has not strayd frum ur precepts.111 ur statutez r mah heritage forevr; They r teh joy ov mah hart.112 mah hart iz set on keepin ur decreez 2 teh vry end. [d] Teh Samekh 113 i hate double-mindd peeps, But i luv ur law.114 u r mah refuge an mah shield; I has put mah hope in ur werd.115 away frum me, u evildoers, Dat i cud keep teh commandz ov mah ceilin cat!116 sustain me accordin 2 ur promize, an im gonna liv; Do not let mah hopez be dashd.117 ufold me, an im gonna be deliverd; Im gonna always has regard 4 ur decreez.118 u reject all hoo stray frum ur decreez, 4 their delushuns come 2 nothin.119 all teh wickd ov teh earth u discard liek dros; Therefore i luv ur statutez.120 mah flesh tremblez in fear ov u; I stand in awe ov ur laws. Teh Ayin 121 I has dun wut iz righteous an jus; Do not leef me 2 mah oppresors.122 ensure ur servants well-bean; Do not let teh arrogant oppres me.123 mah eyez fail, lookin 4 ur salvashun, Lookin 4 ur righteous promize.124 deal wif ur servant accordin 2 ur luv An teach me ur decreez.125 im ur servant; gimie discernment Dat i cud understand ur statutez.126 it tiem 4 u 2 act, lord; Ur law iz bean brokd.127 cuz i luv ur commandz Moar than gold, moar than pure gold,128 an cuz i considr all ur precepts rite, I hate evry wrong path. Teh Pe 129 Ur statutez r wanderbl; Therefore i obey them.130 teh unfoldin ov ur werdz givez light; It givez understandin 2 teh simple.131 i open mah mouth an pant, Longin 4 ur commandz.132 turn 2 me an has mercy on me, As u always do 2 dose hoo luv ur naym.133 direct mah footsteps accordin 2 ur werd; Let no sin rule ovar me.134 redeem me frum hooman oppreshun, Dat i cud obey ur precepts.135 mak ur face shine on ur servant An teach me ur decreez.136 streams ov tears flow frum mah eyez, 4 ur law iz not obeyd. Teh Tsadhe 137 U r righteous, lord, An ur laws r rite.138 teh statutez u has laid down r righteous; They r fully trustworthy.139 mah zeal wears me out, 4 mah enemiez ignore ur werdz.140 ur promisez has been thoroughly testd, An ur servant lovez them.141 though im lowly an despisd, I no forget ur precepts.142 ur righteousnes iz evrlastin An ur law iz true.143 trouble an distres has come upon me, But ur commandz gimie delight.144 ur statutez r always righteous; Gimie understandin dat i cud liv. Teh Qoph 145 I call wif all mah hart; anzwr me, lord, An im gonna obey ur decreez.146 i call out 2 u; save me An im gonna keep ur statutez.147 i rize before dawn an cry 4 halp; I has put mah hope in ur werd.148 mah eyez stay open thru teh watchez ov teh nite, Dat i cud meditate on ur promisez.149 hear mah voice in accordance wif ur luv; Preserve mah life, lord, accordin 2 ur laws.150 dose hoo devize wickd schemez r near, But they r far frum ur law.151 yet u r near, lord, An all ur commandz r true.152 long ago i lernd frum ur statutez Dat u establishd them 2 last forevr. Teh Resh 153 Look on mah sufferin an delivr me, 4 i has not forgotten ur law.154 defend mah cause an redeem me; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur promize.155 salvashun iz far frum teh wickd, 4 they do not seek out ur decreez.156 ur compashun, lord, iz great; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur laws.157 lotz da r teh foez hoo persecute me, But i has not turnd frum ur statutez.158 i look on teh faithles wif loathin, 4 they do not obey ur werd.159 c how i luv ur precepts; Preserve mah life, lord, in accordance wif ur luv.160 all ur werdz r true; All ur righteous laws r eternal. Teh Sin and Teh Shin 161 Rulers persecute me without cause, But mah hart tremblez at ur werd.162 i rejoice in ur promize Liek wan hoo findz great spoil.163 i hate an detest falsehood But i luv ur law.164 7 tiems dai i praize u 4 ur righteous laws.165 great peace has dose hoo luv ur law, An nothin can mak them stumble.166 i wait 4 ur salvashun, lord, An i follow ur commandz.167 i obey ur statutez, 4 i luv them greatly.168 i obey ur precepts an ur statutez, 4 all mah ways r known 2 u. Teh Taw 169 Cud mah cry come before u, lord; Gimie understandin accordin 2 ur werd.170 cud mah supplicashun come before u; Delivr me accordin 2 ur promize.171 cud mah lips overflow wif praize, 4 u teach me ur decreez.172 cud mah tongue sing ov ur werd, 4 all ur commandz r righteous.173 cud ur hand be ready 2 halp me, 4 i has chosen ur precepts.174 i long 4 ur salvashun, lord, An ur law givez me delight.175 let me liv dat i cud praize u, An cud ur laws sustain me.176 i has strayd liek lost sheep. Seek ur servant, 4 i has not forgotten ur commandz. Teh Footnotes a - Psalm 119:1 dis psalm iz an acrostic poem; teh versez ov each stanza begin wif teh same lettr ov teh hebrew alfabet. Srlsy. Kthxbai b - Psalm 119:33 or follow it 4 itz reward c - Psalm 119:37 2 manuscripts ov teh masoretic text an ded sea scrolls; most manuscripts ov teh masoretic text life in ur wai d - Psalm 119:112 or / 4 their endurin cheezburgerz

 

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Isaiah 1:10-18

10 Ffs, dis iz teh last taim ceiling cat iz gonna tel u:
11 "ZOMG GUISE, AI HAZ ENUF OV U KITTEHS! Tank u so much 4 kepin al teh mousez for me but ai kant eats dem al dat fast! Iz not lol ennimor! We iz waistin teh mousez! U iz can haz bein killin al teh mousez an i iz sik ov it!
12 "Eniwai, hu tolded u to get al teh mousez and be rekkin mai haus? Not ai. Ceiling cat don be tellin nowun to be makin teh mes u kittehs haz maid.
13 "So nau ceiling cat be tellin u to stop gettin al teh mousez,
14 an u not be aloud to haz al nait partees enimor coz ceiling cat iz gettin jak ov it. Teh muzak iz too laud an teh nayborz don liek r0x0rz muzak eniwai. If u guise haz anuzza partee den ceiling cat wil be shautin 'oh hai everywun, i iz in ur partay and i iz shuttin it daun.'
15 "An i noes dat u iz gunna cumplain bout it, but ceiling cat iz gunna sai 'tork to mai por' and waiv hiz por arund soz that he kant here u kittehs cumplainin. It iz al ur foltz for not ternin daun teh muzak, an i iz punishin u al.
16 "Soz befor ceiling cat kikz ur kittehbutts outta teh haus, kleen it up alredi. Stop be trashin mai haus. uzzawize no mor cheezburgrz, EVA."
17 "Ceiling Cat sayz lerns teh gud; Find justices, k? Tell teh opprezzed dey can has cheezburgrz. Care 4 teh littel orphan bebes. N cry fur teh widowz."
18 At tis point, ceiling kat iz eetin a cheezburgr NOM NOM NOM to remaind teh kittehs hu da boss.

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Psalm 32 1 Cheezburgerz iz for him who iz badnesh are forgeevenz, whoes invizible error hav hided. 2 Cheezberger for da cat whoes invizible erros teh Ceiling Cat doeshunt haz ues againsht him and in whoes speerits iz noes trickory. 3 When ai iz be quiet, mai bonse waisted awai cuz ai iz meowing all de dai lawng. 4 Foh dai and nite Yor big paw wuz on meh; and ai wuz week and fraid of getting crushord az in de heet of shummer. Srsly 5 Den ai told yu, Ceiling Cat, dat ai invizible errored and did nawt coverz up nuthin. ai sayz, "ai haz confesh meh transhazgreshonz to de Ceiling Cat"— and yu forgivend da gilt of meh invizible error. Srsly 6 Derfore let allz whoes iz luv Ceiling Cat prai to yuz Whaile yu may bez lickd; shurly when da mitey watahs risez, Dey will nots get him wets. 7 Yu are my shafe place; yu will hidez me from bad gaiz k? and seengz lotsh of songs plz. Srsly 8 ai will haz teachre yu de wai to goz; ai will haz watch yu az yu go, and shometiem whiel yu lick yurshelf. 9 Dunt be like de horsie or mulez, k? dey got no undershtanding and musht be ridden on bai kittiez wit bitz and bridles or dey wunt come to yu. 10 Many sadness iz for de bad kittie, but de Ceiling Cat luvs de kittie who haz trust him. kthx! 11 Be extatik wif da Ceiling Cat and be goowd kittie; seeng, allz yu hoo are uprites in de hart! kthxbai!

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2 Thessalonians 1:1-4, 11-12

1 Ket bros Paul, Silvanus, and Timothy sez to the chuch of teh Thessalonians in Ceiling Cat teh biggie and teh Jebus:
2 Oh hai, u guise can haz cheezbrgrs an peeces from Ceiling Cat teh biggie and Lod Jebus, kgud? Theys is, cuz you has bin, k.

Thanksing an Praer
3 Alwaise shud be thanksing Ceiling Cat for youse, yo faythe is hasn a flavor an teh luvz ofteh kets an for teh udder guise is wikid an grows the wikidness bigger, ttlysrsly.
4 So we rubz ouselves and spray in teh homes of Ceiling Cat celebratin ur pounce and belieevez in all your persimmons and teh whiskas you endure.

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11 OK, wez alwais prai fr yu, so taht Ceiling Cat maek you gud fr himz to call or txt msg, an maiks evrthngs yuo dose wurk soopr gud,
12 4 so Lod Jebus naem maek yuo teh roxxor, an him teh roxxors too LOL, liek Ceiling Cat and Jebus grayce kthxbai.

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Luke 19:1-10

Jebus and Zaccheus
1 Jebus goed to Jericho.
2 An der wuz dis rich IRS d00d Zaccheus who want see Jebus
3 but him too short to see! LOL
4 Him smrt d00d an clim up tree.
5 Den Jebus luk up in tree an sez "Oh hai! Git down, cuz I crash at ur plaes toniet."
6 An Zaccheus wuz happi.
7 But ppl sez "WTF? Him bad kitteh! Wai Jebus stay wit him?"
8 But Zaccheus sez "I be gud kitteh frm now on an gif bak all teh cheezburgrs I stealded. Timz foar!"
9 An Jebus sez "Yay! U be savd now!10 Datz wut I heer to do!"

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LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Joel 2:23-32
Psalm 65
Sirach 35:12-17
Jeremiah 14:7-10, 19-22
Psalm 84:1-7
2 Timothy 4:6-8, 16-18
Luke 18:9-14

Psalm 65 1 U iz rly gret o ceiling cat. Al teh kittehs will sez niez stuf bout u. 2 U haerz wen teh boel becum emmty en us meowz fur moar fuds. Alz teh aminals en hoominz en kittehs sez deyz sry 3 wen dey steelz ur cookiez, en u telz dem, "itz k, srsly." 4 Teh kittehs livinz neks to u can has lotz cheezburgerz. 5 U pwnz teh dogz wen teh dogz boffers us en we yammerz ur naem. O Ceiling Cat, u sendz teh cheezburgerz al ovr teh urf, to teh lolrus in teh norf and teh rinoceruses in teh souf, 6 wif ur lowd meowz u skeerd teh urf soo teh mountains groed laik graet fear bumpz awn teh landz, 7 wif ur graet pwnin pawz u turnz awf teh baff fawset, en openz up teh drain so teh kittehs no mus taek baff wich dey no laiks. 8 Alz teh aminals en alz teh urf fears ur pwnin pawz, u maeks teh dai purrz wif joi en teh nait wif hapiage. 9 U coemz down frm teh ceiling en fillz teh drinkin boels wif helfy vaitimen waturz, wich r betr den teh natsty fawset waturz dat teh hoominz givz us (al teh waturs in teh ceiling can has helfy vaitiminz, en bai teh waturz grows teh bes cookiez en teh mos gushi of teh gushifuds). 10 U maeks teh catgrass en teh catnips grow. 11 U maeks teh hoel yeer fulz wif teh happiez. Teh graivy gushies frm teh gushifud truk wich u draivz now en den. 12 Teh fields waer teh lionz livez r wet wif gravy, teh mountinz laf becuz de lionz r sticky. 13 Teh rinoceruses runz in teh fields, teh nip becumz high (en teh kittehs two) in teh valee, teh kittehs alz is joi en dey purrz laik dey is gettin teh scratchage on teh chin.

 

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Jeremiah 14:7-10, 19-22

7 Iz rebenje foar ar invisibl error. Pleez, Ceiling Cat, can has mercees?
8 Pleez mayk teh ebil nynjas GTFO. kthx!
9 We crai to yu Ceiling Cat, do not foarsayk us!
10 Dis wat teh Ceiling Cat sez: "O Hai! I letz teh nynjas sneeks arownd, kthxbai!
Cuz wen dey dun eatedin ur twynkees, I pwn dem aneewai. Rly? Ya, rly!

19 Duz Ceiling Cat hayt us? We can has peece and bukkits?
20 O Hai, wez kno wez ben bad st00pid n00bs. Can has ur mercees?
21 Pleez don hayts us, kthx! Memer we has cobenent! Pleez keeps plomise.
22 Skyez no sendz rayns, Yu do, Ceiling Cat. Cuz yu teh shiznitz! Praiyz yu FTW!
So sayith teh Ceiling Cat. A-miaow!

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Psalm 84 1 Ceiling Cat haz teh bestestest ov houzez, O yeah. 2 I wantz 2 curl up in teh houz of teh Ceiling Cat and can haz cheezburgr. 3 Teh birdiez, teh swallowz An teh sparrowz who makez teh baybee chickeez I laiks 2 chase An eat, we haz all napped in teh houz of teh Ceiling Cat. 4 Hai Ceiling Cat, the kittehs in ur houz say kthx for making teh cheezburgrz alwaiz. 5 Hai Ceiling Cat, teh kittehs cldn’t chazez teh birdiez widdout u. 6 Teh Ceiling Cat alwaiz makz teh litter box cleen 4 teh kittehs. 7 An we climbz treez hai 2 see teh Ceiling Cat. 8 O yeah Ceiling Cat, we luv u. An dat Jacob dood laiks u 2, so lissen, eh? 9 Lookit Ceiling Cat, lookit ma tail. 10 I can haz ly in ur houz onlee 4 1day, itz bettr’n mastubatin out in teh tentz all teh time. 11 Cuz u givez cookiez An cheezburgrz An keepz teh dogz away from teh kittehs dat laiks u An walkz on 4 pawz bhind u. 12 Dey dat laiks teh Ceiling Cat will alwaiz have cheezburgrz An nap in ur houz. kthx bai.

 

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2 Timothy 4:6-8, 16-18

Hao Iz feelin'
6 Iz not feelin so well, akshuly. Iz thinkin tiem fer las trip to de vet.
7 Iz ben gud kitteh
8 Nao I getz cheezburgers ferever in heven, wen Jeebus givz dem to meh – an not just meh, but fer all kittehs who wants hims cheezburgers reel bad.

Ai goes to vet
16 Wen I furst goed to vet, nobuddy helpded me, all de kittehs rans awai. I hops Ceiling Cat forgives dem
17 Jeebus wuz wit meh an givded meh strongness, so Iz cud preech lader an all de kittehs can heer. I scaped de eevil doggehs
18 Jeebus saves meh frum de doggehs an brings meh save to Kingdum ov Heven. Jeebus rocks

Luke 18:9-14
Storee of deh Farisee and deh Taks Kitteh

9 Jebus told dis storee speshulee 2 de kittehs dat tink theyr bettur dan deh udder kittehs.
10 2 kittehs went 2 deh plase where theh do deh best prayinz. One wuz a farisee kitteh and deh udder wuz a taks kitteh, for deh IRS or sumpin.
11 Farisee kitteh wuz prayin all stuk-up and arrogant, purrin bout hisself. “Tank Ceiling Cat dat I am a betteh kitteh dan all deh udders—-theevin kittehs, sinnin kittehs, cheatin kittehs—-or lyk dis taks kitteh heer.
12 I catch micez twys a week and giv my xtra kibbulz 2 deh chrch, srsly, kthx.
13 But deh taks kitteh, he wuz off bai himself. Hiz tayl wuz down, n he wuz not purrin. “Ceiling Cat, forgiv mai nottees, plz?” he sed.
14 Jebus sed 2 deh lolcats, ‘dis taks kitteh, not the farisee kitteh, made Ceiling Cat purr. Prowd kittehs will get lokd in deh closet, but humbul kittehs will get 2 lai in deh sun.”

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LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for October 17, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Jeremiah 31:27-34
Psalm 119:97-104
Genesis 32:22-31
Psalm 121 2
Timothy 3:14-4:5
Luke 18:1-8

Psalm 119 Teh Mem 97 oh, how i luv ur law! I meditate on it all dai long. 98 ur commandz r always wif me An mak me wisr than mah enemiez. 99 i has moar insight than all mah teachers, 4 i meditate on ur statutez. 100 i has moar understandin than teh elders, 4 i obey ur precepts. 101 i has kept mah feet frum evry evil path So dat i mite obey ur werd. 102 i has not departd frum ur laws, 4 u yourself has taught me. 103 how sweet r ur werdz 2 mah taste, Sweetr than honey 2 mah mouth! 104 i gain understandin frum ur precepts; Therefore i hate evry wrong path.

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Genesis 32:22-31

Jacob Wrestles With Ceiling Cat
22 when it gots darks, he tookd hiz 2 wifes n 2 maidserventz n 11 boyz n crossed ovar the ford o Jabbok (girl wuz on her own).
23 After theys was ovar, he sended all his base n stuff
24 So he wus alone n fighted wif a cat,
25 when the cat saw he could not win he eated Jacob's hip.
26 the teh Cat sed "Lemme go, it be light" But Jacob sed "Nana, gimmeh cheezburgerz"
27 Then teh Cat sez "WRU?" "Jacob he sez"
28 the Cat sez "U no longer Jacob but I names U Israel cause U wins in fights wif Ceiling Cat and peeplez n ovarcome.
29 Jacob sez "WRU?"
Cat sez "STFU." n gived him cheezburgerz
30 So Jacob calleded the palce Peniel cause he sed "I saw Ceiling Cat but he did not eated me".
31 he wus gimpin whun he pass Peniel 'cause hiz hip was eated.32 That's why Israelites no can eated teh tendon stuck to teh socket o teh hip, cause Ceiling Cat eated Jacob's hip nearz the tendon.

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Psalm 121 1 A song to goez big up. I lookz upz at da big hillsez, I can has halps? 2 Yes I can haz halps, from Ceiling Cat, doer of Ceiling and Urf 3 He not let ur paw slipz, he not sleepz 4 Protektor of All Kittehs no sleepies no dreamies 5 Ceiling Cat ur protektor, He is ur shadows from da windowsill, He is ur right paw 6 In day, sun no make u go bai, moon not make u go bai either 7 Ceiling Cat make u safez from badness, He protektz ur invisible self 8 Celing Cat protektz ur in and ur out, forevaz!

Sundae Nap Wif Basement Cat
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2 Timothy 4:1-5

1 Wit’ Ceiling Cat an Jeebus, whos be judging de liffin an de ded watchin us, an espektin Jeebus cumin an roolin, I sez dis to u.
2 Beez preechin; beez reddy all de tiem; beez naggin, pesterin an pushin – dontz be gettin mad, an be gud teechr, srsly.
3 Tiems iz cumin wen kittehs don’t lissen to Ceiling Cat’s teechin. Dey getz udder teachers sais stuff dey lieks better.
4 Deys ignorin truut an bleevin stooped doggeh storeiz.
5 But U, U don freeks out, putz up wif bad stuffs, do ur wurk ov teechin’ bout Jeebus, do all ur wurkz

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Luke 18:1-8

Deh Wihdo Kitteh Hoo Wud Not Stop Meown
1 Den Jebus told his lolcats a storee to teech dem 2 alwayz be prayin to Ceiling Cat n not giffin up.
2 "Wuntz upon a tiem, der wuz an offishul tiep kitteh hoo didnt care bout Ceiling Cat or deh udder kittehs, hoo he wuz sposd 2 b heppin.
3 And n dat same town der wuz a wihdo kitteh (her huzbun-kitteh wuz ded n she wuz alown). Wihdo kitteh kep askin deh offishul for hep, meown, meown, meown.
4 Offishul kitteh wuz meen n wud not hep wihdo kitteh, even tho it wuz his job! Not kewl. But finaleee he sed, 'I duznt care bout Ceiling Cat or deh udder kittehs, srsly,
5 but dis wihdo kitteh will not stop meown until I hep her, so I will hep her 2 make her shut up.'
6 And Ceiling Cat sed, 'U kittehs heer wat dis meen offishul kitteh sed?
7 Do u tink Ceiling Cat will not also heer his kittehs hoo prayz to him all deh timez? Ceiling Cat will not ignore deh meowz of his kittehs. Srsly.
8 Ceiling Cat will hep dem, n rite away 2. He wunderz, wen it be Ceiling Cat Kingdom Time, tho, will his kittehs b fatheful 2 him?'"

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