LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Epiphany

Third Sunday of Epiphany
Jonah 3:1-5, 10
Psalm 62:5-12
1 Corinthians 7:29-31
Mark 1:14-20

Jonah 3

Ninevakittah: "teh kittahs of nineva lie down before the power of ceiling cat (God)"

1 Tehn Ceiling Cat looked down from hole in the ceiling agen and sez to Jonah:
2 "Oh hai. Go to Nineveh and houl and youwl and tell tehm dis trufs."
3 An' Jonah did what Ceiling Cat toled him to dis tiem, cuz catz hates getting wet. Now Nineveh is a srsly big citteh iz liek three days to com tehre. rly.
4 On the first day, Jonah started into the city. He proclaimed: "Forty more days and Nineveh will have no cheezburger. Inbisible Anvil is coming! Ceiling Cat is liek to pwnzd yu. HAHA"
5 wait! no. The Ninevites blieved Ceiling Cat. They put down they cheezburgers and tehy pokemans, even tehy charizzads. Teh king...layd down nekkid in teh dust. oh noes!
6 When teh king of Nineveh heered dis, he took off his royal robes, and layd down nekkkid in teh dust. oh noes.
7 Then he sez "zomg! OMGWTFBBQ!!1! Nineveh: not let kittahs or aminals or burdies or fishz or mor living stuff has a flavur; do not want. srsly."
8 So da kittahs and aminals and hoomans hied in yr dirteh cloze baskitz and preyed.
9 Hu knew? Ceiling Cat might think taht good enuf and not eatz us or mek us ded."
10 When Ceiling Cat see what tehy did tehre he calls it Caturday and gived tehm cheezburgers and cookies.

Psalm 62

1 My sol lieks Ceiling Cat cuz he savs me.
2 Him iz only wan who protexs me gud. Him is liek a strong showr kertin. No fallin in teh baf wif Ceiling Cat.
3 stop fitin wif me. srsly. u will has ded, k?
4 ppl haet teh king and ses lais.
5 waitin on Ceiling Cat.
6 Him is liek a strong showr kertin u cant fall from. dayja voo.
7 Ceiling Cat savs me and stuff. Him is liek tall shalf when kidz ar lowd.
8 Truss in Ceiling Cat, ppl. Tell him ur secritz.
9 Bad guyz wey less than air.
10 You cant has truss in monies and criems.
11 Ceiling cat ses all powerz are belong to him.
12 Plus mercie is belong to him too.

1 Corinthians 7: 10 - 34 (sorta)

10 A wief cant leev her husbnd. Dat's not me talkin, dat's Ceiling Cat.
11 If she duz tho, she cant marriez no wun els. She can maek up wif her husbnd or stai aloan. N teh saem goez for d00dz.
12 Now dis part is me talkin, not Ceiling Cat. If u beleev in Ceiling Cat but ur wief duzint, and she lykz ur harblez an she no wantz tu go byebye, u cant divorse her ovr it.
13 Saem goez for teh ladiez.
14 Teh wun who duzint beleev iz maded clean thru teh wun who duz beleev. Dat goez for teh kidz too.
15 If teh wun who duzint beleev leevez tho, let dem go. Ceiling Cat sez doant fiet about it.
16 U haz no wai to know about ur husbnd or wief gettin saivded.
17 Enniwai, Ceiling Cat giveded u a plase in lief n u should stai dere.
18 Leev ur man-harblez teh wai dey iz.
19 U thinkz about man-harblez too much. Do what Ceiling Cat wantz, datz teh importnt thing.
20 Liek I sez, stai put.
21 If u iz a slaev, doant worri about it. Get free if u can but doant worri about it.
22 U can be a slaev an be Ceiling Cat's free man. Jus liek u can be a free man an be Ceiling Cat's slaev.
33 Ceiling Cat boughted u. Doant let humanz bought u too.
34 Liek I keepz sayin, stai put.

Mark 1: 14-20

14 Aftr John wuz arrestid (PWND!!!1), Happy Cat came into Galilee, sez to all teh kittinz about teh gud newz of teh Ceiling Cat,
15 an he sayd, "iz tyme, kittenz! Ceiling Cat'z kingdim is here! 4saek yr evl waiz an beleev in teh good newz!" (awsum, srsly!)

Happy Cat can haz desciplez, srsly!
16 An he walkz by Sea uf Galllillllelleelllee n he seez Simon n Andrew and dey iz fishing with nets, cuz thats what tehy does. (kittehs liek fishz)
17 An Happy Cat sez "Com wit me n fish for d00dz!"
18 An tehy did.
19 An He went along n see James n John who was kittehs ov Zebedde. An they r hax0ring da netz n stuff in a bote.
20 An He cald thm up an tehy caem 2 n left ther dad an his d00dz back at teh bote.

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