Thursday, March 13, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Palm Sunday

Sunday of the Passion
Palm Sunday

Matthew 21:1-11
Procession with Palms
Isaiah 50:4-9a
Psalm 31:9-16 (Ps. 31:5)
Philippians 2:5-11
Matthew 26:14—27:66
or Matthew 27:11-54

Matthew 21: 1-4
Jeezus coms tuh grapz heepz an getz ahss

1 An den Jeezus got intuh Bethphage clos ta Jerusalem. Dey werz on a heepz ov salty grapz. Den hee sed go to too kitty jeezezes.
2 He dun toldzem. Goto dem hutz and fine some ass and a fillee; bring herz to me.
3 An if deez gize giv yuh guff. Yo meau. Baybee-Ceiling-Cat Jeebas wantz em. Hee wilz shutz up den.
4 It allz happenz lik hee sed. Lik hee haz seez duh fyoocher an sez so.

Isaiah 50: 4-9

4 teh sovereign Ceiling Cat has given me an instructed tongue,
to know teh word dat sustains teh weary.
him wakens me morning by morning,
wakens mai ear to listen like wun being taught.

5 teh sovereign Ceiling Cat has opened mai ears,
an ai haf no been rebellious;
ai haf no drawn back.

6 ai offered mai back to those who beat me,
mai cheeks to those who pulled owt mai beard;
ai did no hide mai face frum mocking an spitting.

7 becus teh sovereign Ceiling Cat helps me,
ai wil no be disgraced.
therefore haf ai set mai face like flint,
an ai know ai wil no be put to shame.

8 him who vindicates me is near.
who den wil bring charges aginst me?
let us face each other!
who is mai accuser?
let him confront me!

9 it is teh sovereign Ceiling Cat who helps me.
who is him dat wil condemn me?
dey wil awl wear owt like a garment;
teh moths wil eat dem up.

Philippians 2:1-11
Ceiling Cat jr. iz not teh selfish

1 Ifz bein wit teh Ceiling Cat maeks uz happee, an ifz uz feelz all warm and fzuzy cuz he wubs uz, an ifz uz spendz happee play tiemz wit deh Ceiling Cat, an ifz uz feelz all warm and fzuzy toawrdz ohter cats,
2 Tehn uz can maekz mi happee by knot fyting wif ohter cats hoo ar freindz wif teh Ceiling Cat, an try two agrie wif eahc ohter, an wurkz twogehter an stuf. Srsly.
3 Dun bee selfihs, an dun luk in teh meeror and say, "Oh Hai! u iz best lukin wun aroun!" Inzted, luk at ohterz an say, "U iz wey mor awesum tahn mi. J00 r0x0rz."
4 Dun get teh catnipz jus fer urselfz, get sum fer everywunz.
5 U shud tihnk liek teh Baby Jeebus
6 Hoo wuz teh saem as Ceiling Cat, but deesidid knot to stey up dere
7 an maed himzelf jus liek uss, becumin not a Ceiling Cat no mor.
8 An wen everywun foudn out he wuz Ceiling Cat jr. he letz dem getz mad at him, and dey pwnz him.
9 So Ceiling Cat sez to him, "UZ AWESUM! lol" and callz him nice namez,
10 so dat wen we hears hiz nice namez, we givez him all deh cheezburgerz, whether we findz dem in teh sky or on teh ground or in teh cavez,

Matthew 26:14—27:34

Judas 2 Pwn Jebuz
14 Then one of the BFz, called Judas Iscaricat, went 2 teh big catz,
15 And sez, I can haz cheezburger, 4 Jebuz? And thay give him teh cheezburger.
16 And now hez lookin 2 pwn Jebuz.

Jebuz Eets Nummies wit His Herd
17 So teh first day of the feast of da flat cookie the BFz came to Jebuz n sez, Where 2 eat feast?
18 And he sez, scratch on window and weez in.
19 And teh BFz did as Jebuz sez; and thay made redy teh passover.
20 So dark out, he sitted wif the BFz.
21 And as thay eated, he sez, Guess what? 1 of youz gonna pwn mee.
22 And thay were sad, and all sez, Not mee. wtf?
23 And he answered and sez, He that lick teh bowl wif me teh same gonna pwn me.
24 Ize gotta do wha Ize gotta do: busted B kitteh who pwns teh Ceilng Cat jr.! better no B borned.
25 Then Judas, which pwned him, answered and sez, scuz plz, is it I? He sez, No Da.

Jebuz Maeks teh Ceiling Cat Din-Din
26 They was eatings, and Jebus took cheezburgrs and give them to his peepz and sez, "Is my body. It has a flavor. U can has it and go NOM NOM NOM."
27 And he took teh cup, sez thks plz, and gives 2 dem, sez, Drink all of it;
28 Dis my blood k?, Soz U can say srry when U bad kittehz.
29 Now I has no milk wif u, till wez all in the ceiling. K?
30 Invisible karaoke over, they went outside 4 2 play.

Peter Can Has Amneesiah
{{verse|31=Then Jebuz sez, Ize has to go bai, and u gonna B like, Wtf? For it sez:
"I pwn teh master, n teh peepz will run leik sissyz."
32 Then, I‘m in your Galilee, back from teh dead.
33 Peter sez, No way.
34 Jesus sez, btw, Guess what? Today u gonna say u no know mee 3 times.
35 Peter sez, No way. BFz will say wtf?

Cheezburger n teh Yard
36 Jebus sez, Oh ya? I’m settin u up. Come wif them to Gethsemane, and tell dem that, Stay, while I go n play.
37 And he took wif him Peter and Zebedee’s kidz, and wus sad.
38 He sez, Ize sad. Stay wif mee.
39 And he went a little farther, and failed, and sez, O my daddy, I no want 2 dies! I can no die?
40 His Bfz, all has pillows asleep, n sez 2 Peter, Wtf?, No could stay with me 1 hour?
41 U suck: teh spirit sez yes, but teh flesh sez no.
42 2 time, sez, O daddy, u want mee dead? k.
43 Bfz still has pillows. No look.
44 Third time, sez same:
45 Then he sez to BFz, Fine sleep. I get pwnd now.
46 K. Get up. I get pwnd now.

Pwnin' n Gethsemane
47 While he sez dat, Judas, shows up wif army of big cats and old peeps.
48 Pwner sez I kiss guy u want. Dats how u know.
49 He came to Jebuz, and sez, Sup? and kissed him.
50 Jebus sez, where u been? And it was bath time.
51 And Jebuz’ BF cut off guys ear!
52 Jesus sez, Bad kitteh. If u use claws u die by claws.
53 Funny irony. If I could ask, Ceiling Cat sez I can has army. LoL
54 But can’t cuz no spose 2?
55 Jebuz sez to big cats, Wtf? Why now?
56 BFz raned away.

Jebuz n teh Beeg Cat Cownsil
57 They took Jebuz to Cataphas at the cat pile.
58 Peter sneeked up behind them 2 see what’s up.
59 Now thay all make up lies against Jebuz, 2 pwn him;
60 Wasn’t working cuz Jebuz good kitteh. Then 2 more liars came,
61 Dis guy sez he can wrek temple and put it back in 3 days.
62 Big cat sez, Oh yeah?
63 Jebuz sez nothing. Big cat sez, tell us if UR Ceiling Cat jr.
64 Jesus sez, fraid so. UR going to see Ceiling Car Jr. poking his head out from hole in ceiling.
65 Then Big cat shaved him.66 They all sez he needs 2 B pwned.
67 Then spitted on him and spanked him68 They sez, if U Ceiling Cat jr. wez couldn’t do dis.

Peter Pwns Jebuz den Weepies
69 Girl sez to Peter, U were wif jebuz.
70 Peter sez, fraid not.
71 He goes out to the porch, another maid sees him, and sez, U were wif Jebuz.
72 And again, Mee not know him.
73 They all sez to Peter, u gotsta B 1 of dem.
74 Wtf? No way!75 And Peter membered teh word of Jebuz, which sez, Today you not know me 3 times. He was sad.

Judus pwns himself. Srsly.
1 So liek iz teh mornins and all teh ppl sez tehy duznt liek Jesus and wantz to kills him;
2 So tehy ties him upp and maed him goes to Pilate.
3 Judas feels teh stoopid and bringes teh moniez back,
4 becuz he iz liek, "I iz stoopid, made invisibul err0r. Jesus iz innucent, k?"
And teh big catz sez "whtevr."
5 So Judas sez "Do not want!" and he trows teh moniez and then killz hisself wiht sum yarn.
6 And teh top cat priestz taik moniez and sez "Do not want, has blud on, yuk".
7 And they arsks sumbody and sez "I can has pooterz feild?" for to bury teh stranger doodz what are deaded in.
8 And some1 fot it gud idea to call field "field of blud". Der.
9 And then what Jeremy, dood who kno what happen before it happen, like humin who kno cheesburgr teim before lolcat do, said wood happen did happen, and they took lots peices silver, what he worth and can has lots of cheezburgrs wiv and what children wot pull lolcat tail of Israel did reckon him worth;
10 and gived them for pooterz feild as Ceiling Cat sayed for to do.

Jebuz gets pwned by Big Catz before Pilate
11 An Jebus stood in front of governor, what is like owner that has the thing for opening catfud tins, and governer said "Is you der big boss cat of der Jews?" And Jebus say "Dat wot u say" *shrug*
12 An when teh big top cat priestz and old doods did say, like, that he pinched the fish, he look all innocent and smooth his whiskers and say nuffin.
13 Den Pilate sayed to hims "Yu not heer wut dey saying aboot yu?"
14 But stil Jebus not say nuffin and amaezd teh govurnor. Srsly.
15 And the govurnor had teh custom of releesing prizunor teh crowd wantid.
16 There wuz teh evul guy naemd Barabbas,
17 And den wen teh crowd wuz gatherd Pilate were asked dem "Yu can haz Barabbas or Jebus."
18 But he knowz it wuz cuz dey wur jelus of teh Jebus dat dey gaev Jebus to hims. Srsly.
19 An when Pilate was sitting in teh uber-litter box of teh juj, his wiefs, liek, sended he dis mesij. An she sez liek "Yu no can haz aneeting too does wif dat cat whu iz free of teh kittunz, srsly, cuz liek i can haz bad nightkitties bout himz, An yah. Srsly."
20 But teh big top cat priestz and ol doodz gived teh crowdz lots of catnips so dey wud asks for teh Barabbas and to hav Jebus exicutid. Srsly.
21 So den teh govurnor askd teh crowd "Wich wun duz yuz want?" Dey sed "Barabbas!"
22 "Wut I do wif Jebus den?" Pilate askd. Den all teh crowd sed "Krucify himz!!"
23 "wai? wut invizibul err0r he do?" Pilate askd, But teh krowd get loudr and keep saying "Krucify himz!!"
24 Pilate getz teh frustraet and teh krowd waz maek uproar, so he washiz hiz handz and sez, "Do not want, I innusint uf himz blud, yuk."
25 Teh krowd sez, "hims blud!! do want!! Feed to our kitties. Srsly."
26 Him releesd Barabbas to angry krowdz, but took awai Jebus'z powerups, giv himz floggingz and giv himz to krowd. Srsly.

Faitur Kittiez Stealz Jebus'z Cheezburgrz. Srsly.
27 Teh govrnur's faitur kittiez taekd Jebuz to teh big littur box and roundid up moar faiter kitties.
28 Dey took moar of Jebus'z cheezburgrz
29 and put teh lime helmetz on himz hed. Den dey giv him big stik and maek fun of himz, sed "King of Joos! Haz many cheezburgrz, us can haz?".
30 Den dey spitz hairbalz at himz and giv him beetdownz wif teh big stik.
31 wen dey finish wif teh beetdownz dey taek teh lime helmetz off and taek himz to teh krucify place. Srsly.

Jebuz getz teh Krucify
32 Den wen dey goez out to teh krucify plaec, teh faitur kittez maed teh dood naemd Simon karry teh cross. Srsly.
33 Den dey go to teh plaec kalld Teh Landz of teh Skullz.
34 At teh skullz plaec, dey gib Jebuz sum yuky winez but he tastid it an sed "do not want, can haz livur juus, yuk." Srsly.

i can has diceplez from LOL Cat Church

March 7th
Oh hai. Iz teh Ceiling Cat Profett. Soemtiems der be bad stufs on teh internets dat go aginst Ceiling Cat, liek dis an yu shud kno, Ceiling Cat DO NOT WANT! Dun folow udda ceiling animuls. Dat bad. Pew! Pew! Pew! Yu gets Ceiling Cat's lazer eyes an yu go to teh eternil stinkee littrbocks. Srsly.

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Get ready now cuz the wild weekend is coming!
Board the Friday Ark at The Modulator
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Weekend Cat Blogging #145 Mar 15-16
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Bad Kitty Cats Festival of Chaos Edition 36 3-16-08
Pet & The Bengal Brats at Pet’s Garden Blog
Optional Theme - Toes Or Claws
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The Carnival of the Cats #209 - 3-16-08
This, That and the Other Thing — Sunday Evening
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