LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Epiphany Sunday

Epiphany Sunday
Isaiah 60.1–6
Psalm 72.[1–9] 10–15
Ephesians 3.1–12
Matthew 2.1–12

Isaiah 60.1–6
Waek up, kittehs - kammils b sittin on u

1 O hai, waek up. Teh Ceiling Cat haz turnd on hiz big flashlite and is standin on u.
2 Foer bhold, teh flur is black and gross liek teh pplz, but Ceiling Cat is standin on u, n all teh pplz can seez.
3 N the nonsnipt (Gentils) liek lite n kingz want tew watch u waek up.
4 Hai, luk up, evry1s heer tew seez u - ur kittehs fum far away, tew.
5 Then u can seez, n miks it up, n ur haert gits skeerd n biggins; cuz teh hol oshun, liek majik, ternz n-2 u! All teh nonsnipt (Gentils) won tew see.
6 Lotsa kammils sitz on u, teh dromdaires uv Midian n Ephah; all ov dems fum Sheba kum n sitz on u n singz teh prazez uv teh Ceiling Cat.

Psalm 72
Ov Solomon

1 Giv teh king wif ur justice, O Ceiling Cat, Teh royal son wif ur righteousnes.
2 he will [a] judge ur peeps in righteousnes, Ur afflictd onez wif justice.
3 teh mountains will brin prosperity 2 teh peeps, Teh hills teh fruit ov righteousnes.
4 he will defend teh afflictd among teh peeps An save teh children ov teh needy; He will crush teh oppresor.
5 he will endure [b] as long as teh sun, As long as teh moon, thru all generashuns.
6 he will be liek rane fallin on mown field, Liek showers waterin teh earth.
7 in his dais teh righteous will flourish; Prosperity will abound till teh moon iz no moar.
8 he will rule frum sea 2 sea An frum teh rivr [c] 2 teh endz ov teh earth. [d]
9 teh desert tribez will bow before him An his enemiez will lick teh dust.
10 teh kings ov tarshish an ov distant shorez Will brin tribute 2 him; Teh kings ov sheba an seba Will present him gifts.
11 all kings will bow down 2 him An all nashuns will serve him.
12 4 he will delivr teh needy hoo cry out, Teh afflictd hoo has no wan 2 halp.
13 he will taek pity on teh weak an teh needy An save teh needy frum death.
14 he will rescue them frum oppreshun an violence, 4 preshus iz their blood in his sight.
15 long cud he liv! Cud gold frum sheba be given him. Cud peeps evr pray 4 him An bles him all dai long.
16 let grain abound throughout teh land; On teh tops ov teh hills cud it sway. Let itz fruit flourish liek lebanon; Let it thriv liek teh gras ov teh field.
17 cud his naym endure forevr; Cud it continue as long as teh sun. All nashuns will be blesd thru him, An they will call him blesd.
18 praize be 2 teh lord ceilin cat, teh ceilin cat ov israel, Hoo alone doez marvelous deedz.
19 praize be 2 his glorious naym forevr; Cud teh whole earth be filld wif his glory. Amen an amen.
20 dis concludez teh prayers ov david son ov jese.

Teh Footnotez
a - Psalm 72:2 or cud he; similarly in versez 3-11 an 17
b - Psalm 72:5 septuagint; hebrew u will be feard
c - Psalm 72:8 dat iz, teh eufratez
d - Psalm 72:8 or teh end ov teh land

Ephesians 3.1–12

1 Cuz yu has envisble err,
2 CeilingCat sayes to me "Gib deez cheezburgs to bad kitteh".
3 I sayed "K" to him.
4 Yu kno I iz l33t kitteh cuz
5 HovrCat gib me nawledge to makez da cookies! HovrCat FTW!
6 K, big sekret! ready? ... l33t kitteh napzor in CeilingCat houz!! SRSLY!
7 Iz arredy napzor on sofa!
8 But CeilingCat sayed me to gib u deez cheezburgs reel fast, so I sayed "k!",
9 cuz dat wai i cn towd yu 'bout CeilingCat houz.
10 Him wantz all hims peeps to know dat himz iz v2.0,
11 cuz himz been leveling wif Jebus.
12 If we likez him, we cn napzor in CeilingCat houz,

Matthew 2.1-12

da visit to da maji, liek srsly
1 Nao, when Jebus was borned in teh dayz when Herod teh king wuz rockin the casbah, hai look, dere sum waiz doodz comin frm teh Eats into Jerusalem
2 n dey wuz all leik “rawr! we iz waiz d00ds from teh Eats! Lol but srsly wear iz teh new leet king j00 dat got borned? In teh eats we wuz in nait timez and omg der wuz dis star in a invisibel plaen n it saied to us ‘go to Jerusalem n find leet king j00 dat got borned, but do not eated him jus be liek hey leet king j00 yu pwn srsly. k?’ so ya wer is he?”
3 king herod (teh n00b king) was campin liek a ub3r n00b near der, n wen he heared dis he wuz liek “omfg hez in mah empaire, steelin ma gloriez (an mai cookiez wtf)?!??! n all d pplz in Jerusalem wuz leik “hey yea wtf?!”
4 So he got all d pplz who are has teh smartz, ne he sayed “sry im n00b but lol srsly wer doez king j00 spawn?”
5 N dey sed to him “lol.. d00d, obviusly king j00 spawns in beetleham, ceiling cat saied to sum gai wun time “oi rait dis down n stuff” n he rited:
6 “dw beetleham, u r not teh fail, cuz from u iz gunna come dis leet d00d who cn pwn evry1 n is haz cookiez. Hez gunna saev teh ppl of Israel n whatnot.”

wtf... star said to come here....
7 Den king herod was liek kk, n he aksed teh waiz d00ds “u know wen it wuz nait timez n dat star saied stuff 2 yuz, wen waz dat happen?” n teh waiz d00ds wuz like “lol wut?”
8 So king herod sed “omg dw, juz go too beetleham n look for teh new king j00 n wen u find him IM me coz I wanna sai to him how much he pwnz. (har har har I are smartz…)”
9 After dat dey wuz on der way n teh star in a invisibel plaen waz fast. Srsly. n it wuz liek “hai2u! good job d00ds! btw teh king j00 is ova here my plaen is pointing 2 wer he iz, k?”
10 Teh wiez d00ds wuz leik “kthx we cn see wer he iz now!” n wuz happi n stuff.
11 Dey goed dere n seed ickle kid Jebus n mary who wuz are who bornded him. n dey were liek “d00d u r teh new king u pwn srsly! lol u are so leet! omfg < ltrly! Btw we bringd u sum cheezburgrs n munniez n faierwerks n stuff u can has dem if u want.”
12 Aftr dat dey waz about to IM king herod den wun of dem sayd “o, actuly, I hasd a dream at nait timez n ceiling cat wuz like “hey sup d00d.” n I wuz liek “nm, u?” n he wuz liek “nm but d00d get dis, king herod r liez tbh. He iz lookin for Jebus so he cn pwn him wtf!!!?” Den I woke up bt srsly ceiling cat sed dat.” So teh udder waiz d00ds sayed “o wtf, I haet dat n00b king herod wtf is hiz problem” n dey all goed bak to der hoem in d eats bi differnt way.

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