meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Day of Pentecost

Friday, May 09, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Day of Pentecost

Day of Pentecost

The fiftieth day of Easter

Acts 2:1-21 or Numbers 11:24-30
Psalm 104:24-34, 35b (Ps. 104:30)
1 Corinthians 12:3b-13 or Acts 2:1-21
John 20:19-23 or John 7:37-39a

Acts 2:1-21

Teh HovrCat Has Got To Teh Pentecost

1 Wen teh dai of teh Pennycots cam, dey wer togedder in won plays.
2 Den, holy moos, a sawnd lyk many kittehs yellin "MIAO!" cam frum teh ceiling and filld teh hawse wher teh d00ds wuz chillin.
3 Dey sawd lickys of fyre dat cam ovr ther heds and omg it burnz! it burnz! Oh wait, no it dont!
4 All of them d00ds wuz feelin' teh Hover Cat,
an dey all talkd in stranj LOLspeek lik:
"I do say sir, what have we got here? I do believe there
are tongues of fire-like substance coming upon our heads.
and making us speak in quite the funniest way."
wtf iz wit dat? Cuz teh Hover Cat maed it happn, w00t!
5 Now teh d00ds wuz chillin in Jerooslum, Joos who feerd teh Ceiling Cat, frum evry nashun undur teh Ceiling, srsly.
6 Wen dey herd da sawnd, a litter caym and wer lyk, “No Wai!” cuz dey all talkd in weerd LOLspeeks.
7 Wow'd fer shur, dey axed,"Arnt deez teh d00ds who speekd Gallyleen bfor, watz happnin?
8 Den haw duz we heerz our naytiv LOLspeeks? Srsly!"
9 Angoras, an Manxs an Tabbies; an kittehs frum Persia an Abyssinia,
10 an Ejipt an teh partz of teh Burma neer Siam. Der were also kittehs frum resurch labz!
11 both teh Joos and da switchies two Joodyizm frum teh feilds an aleewaiz, herd dem,
"we heer dem myowin' teh 1ders ov teh Ceiling Cat in aur LOLspeeks!” WTF?
12 Wow'd and confoozd dey sez, "WAI DO THEY SPEEK DIS WAY?!?! WAI?"
13 And sum peepl LOL’d at dem and sed:
“Ya, rite. Dey nom too much gatorade, Srsly.”
Don wurry, Ceiling Cat pwnz dem peepl l8r. Kthx.
14 Den Peter stowd up wit teh eleven an sed to teh cwowd: "Oh hai!
15 Weez not drunk sillee! It be nine ay em, DO NOT WANT!
16 U know wut Joel teh profitz sez? Wel I tell yu:
17 'In teh last daiz, Ceiling Cat sez,
Im in ur urthz, puurin teh spiritz on all kittehs,
Ur suns and doters can has profisies,
Ur yung kittehs can has fun time in teh eyez!
Ur old kittehs can has fun time in teh branez!
18 Yo!
I can has be puttin my spiritz on even teh servents! RLY!
And dey can has profisies.
19 Iz gunna show u all ov teh fun stuffs up in teh Ceilin, srsly.
Oh! Yeh! Iz almos can has no memowies. Iz awso gunna show fun stuffz on teh urthz.
Oh wate, dos not fun! Urthz can has firez an smoke. Kawf! Kawf! DO NOT WANT!
20 Teh big day staw, no moar!
An teh moon can has be all blud and stuffz. Yuk!
but den Jeebus can has be back! Yayz!
21 An evewywun who be like "Jeebus!" can has cheezburger! Rly!'

Numbers 11:24-30

24 Moses told teh peepul wut Ceiling Cat sed. He fetchted seventy clever kittehs nd they standed in teh tent.
25 Then Ceiling Cat wuz flyin on his fluffy cloud, down to teh tent. He taked his fur nd put it on teh kittehs and they wuz knowin wut didn't happen yet!
26 But two kittehs called Eldad and Medad (theys not reely my daddy) stayed in teh camp place. They were clever kittehs but they didn't go to teh tents. But they gots Ceiling Cat's fur az well and they know wut didn't happen yet too!!
27 A baby kitteh sed to Moses "Eldad and Medad are sayin teh futurs in teh camp!"
28 Joshie, Nun's baby, hu wuz Moses' friend, wuz laik "U must b stoppin them!"
29 But Moses sed "RU jellus for me? I want all teh peepul to have Ceiling Cat's fur and be speekin teh futurs!"
30 So Moses and teh clever kittehs goed back to teh camps.

Psalm 104

1 Hai Ceiling Cat, I praizes u! U iz so kool, u wearz koolnez!
2 He is all wrapppd up in prety lites, and rollz out teh Ceiling liek tentses
3 and he gots a penthouse up there. Ooo! He ridez in ur clowds, and surfz in ur windz.
4 Teh windz even talkz 4 him, n teh firez doez what he sez, srsly!
5 Ceiling Cat made teh Urth on teh fl0r, and u karnt mez it up.
6 Teh watr wuz all ova it, rite up 2 teh mntns.
7 U screemd and teh watr wuz gon; u just yelld n ther it went -
8 the mnts went up, n teh vallys went dwn - in teh plais u wantd.
9 Yew dun mess kz? R-Lce yew gun go outsidez, k?
10 Hee maek da big cheezbrgr flow tru da Urth.
11 De guna geeb yew phude, ya.
12 Dem berdiez gun geeb yew da harblz.
13 Ceiling Cat geeb da Urth da gud meelk, den hee sleepz leik slaxxor.
14 He made grass for cows, and herb for man so that he may get the munchies.
15 He made liquor to get people fucked up, oil to make greasy food for hang-overs, and bread.
16 He made some trees grow in some shit hole in the Middle East
17 Birds make nests, storks live in fur trees.
18 Goats chill on hills and the cone heads chill on rocks.
19 The moon tracks seasons, and the sun knows when he's going down.
20 He makes it night, and the beast comes out of the forest.
21 Young lions come out and seek god's meat.
22 When the sun comes up, they sleep in their cribs
23 Men work all day and sleep all night.
24 God has shit loads of bling that be chillin everywhere
25 In the ocean, there be crazy shit like you never seen before.
26 Leviathans eat ships and shit, but not god's yacht where he be chillin with the lions at night.
27 They chill waiting for him to feed them like pets
28 He feeds them by hand
29 He looks away then pops a cap in their asses.
30 He comes to earth, makes shit, and it lives
31 God lives forever, so don't think you can dis him and get off
32 He looks at the 'earth' and she trembles, he touches the 'hills' and they smoke.
33 You gotta rap the good rap about god, or else he's gonna be salty.
34 "My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the LORD." I don't even want to know.
35 Dun be dumb, geeve Ceiling Cat ur soulz, will gib cheezbrger

1 Corinthians 12: 3-13

3 If enniwun sez "Boo on Jesus," day iz not inspaird bai Hovr Cat. N if dey sez "Jesus r00lz," dey is inspaired by Hovr Cat.
4 Hovr Cat givz lotz of prezentz.
5 N u can servz Ceiling Cat lotz of waiz.
6 Ceiling Cat wurkz lotz of waiz in evribodi.
7 Hovr Cat duz thingz for evribodi's good.
8 He givz wun d00d wisdm, anothr d00d informashnz,
9 anothr d00d faith, anothr d00d healin buffz,
10 anothr d00d suprpowrz, anothrd d00d forchntellin, anothr d00d tellin teh differnce betwin spiritz, anothr d00d speakin differnt langwijz, an anothr d00d understandn differnt langwijz.
11 Teh saem Hovr Cat givz all dese different prezentz.
12 OK dis part iz deepz. Teh bodi is jus wun thing, but it gotz lotz of partz. Jesus is liek dat.13 We all hadded a baff and maded us wun church, no mattr who we wuz befor.

John 7: 25-44
Iz Jesus reely Christ?

25 So sum of teh lolcats in Jerusalem waz liek "Hey teh authoriteez want dat cat in bucket!
26 srsly! He talks to other lolcats in publik and nobody puts him in buckit! He really is haz be messiah?
27 Wait no wai. No1 knows ware messiah from. we no ware dis lolcat from."
28 But den Jesus liek "no wai n00bs! u dun know me! I come on Ceiling Cat's authority! U no know Ceiling Cat,
29 but I know Ceiling cat. I come from hiz hole and he send me to watch u masturbates."
30 Then dey waz liek try to put him in bucket but it no work because was no hiz time.
31 But some lolcats waz liek "omg he perform more miracles den teh messiah maybe!"
32 so liek teh Fairsees are liek hear teh crowd whispers and dey liek send guards go puts Jebus in a bucket.
33 Jesus like "gtg soon guyz parents sry."
34 He liek "U looks 4 meh but cant find meh b/c I iz somewarez u cant come so there.
35 Teh Pharisees is liek "OMG where he going 2? Greek? He teech Greekz?
36 He sez we looks but no findz. What dat mean? Pharisee cats confoozled.
37 So Jesus at a festval and he liek "hey u thirsty come drink
38 b/c I haz flavor. Scripturz sez streams of water flow from his sidez."
39 Jesus sez u want, u drinkz, u do not want, u do not drink. But rite then Jesus no had water 2 giev b/c Jesus no was rized to glory.
40 lolcats in de crowd waz liek "OMG he'z teh profit!"
41 other lolcats waz liek "no wai! he teh messiuh!" but then other lolcats was liek "no wai! messiuh no comez from Galilee!
42 he comez from teh Bethlehem b/c dat ware David from. nubs."
43 So srsly was lotz of divizion and no sharing of cheezburgers in crowd.
44 some lolcats was liek "put him in bucket!" but no one dun it.