LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Christ the King Sunday and Zed Monster Asks For Forgiveness

Oh Hai Mary created for the LOL Cat Bible

Christ the King | Proper 29
Jeremiah 23:1-6
Luke 1:68-79 or Psalm 46
Colossians 1:11-20
Luke 23:33-43

Many of today's readings have been translated:

Luke 1:68-79

68 "Good for u Ceiling Cat, u maed thingz bettr for Israel.
69 U pickted up a trumpit for us.
70 Liek teh profetz sed u wud.
71 U protectided us from all teh bulliez.
72 U wuz niec to our daddiz an remembrd dey hadded a deel wif u.
73 Teh deal u maded wif Abraham,
74 to protect us, n let us work for u wifout fear
75 n be good all our lievz.
76 Mai kittn, peeplz wil call u Ceiling Cat's profet becz us wil get evrithin reddi for him,
77 so dat peeplz Invisible Errors will be forgivn,
78 bcz Ceiling Cat iz niec, liek teh sun
79 dat shienz an liets teh wai."

Psalm 46
A Mightee Hidey Place is Our Ceiling Cat

1 Ceiling Cat iz our hidey place and our strenf, he iz dere for all timez we sez, "hlep!"
2 We iz not teh skered, even if the Urf eated itself and mountinz fallz down into sea
3 Even if waterz go RAWR and mountains go RAWR
4 Dere is river wif streamz that make Ceiling Cat's citee pleased, is holy place where only holyist can sit and lick harblz.
5 Ceiling Cat iz inside her, she is not fall down. Ceiling Cat wakez her up with gentul pawslap to faec.
6 Nationz iz angry, kingdoms fallz, Ceiling Cat meowz loud and Urf turnz to smoosh liek wet fud.
7 CEILING CAT IS WIF US, the Cat of Jakob is our hidey place.
8 Come and seez the wurks of the CEILING CAT, the mightee scratchez he haz maded on the Urf.
9 He makez warz stop to the endz of da Urf; he breakz the claws and shatterz the teef, he burninates the kitty carriers wif fire.
10 "Make quietz, and seez I am Ceiling Cat; I am bestest in ur cuntrees, everyone is want wurship me on Urf."
11 Celing Cat Almightee is wif us; the Cat of Jakob is our hidey place.

Colossians 1:11-20

11 b'ing stronged wif all da base laik he wanz so'z u may haz loong napz 'n pacient wait 4 cheezbrgr, 'n hapi
12 givin' thanx to da Dadz whu maik u valid 4 inheritunz ov All Saints 'n deir tunez. (r'ly! wan sentincz!)
13 4 He iz da wan who savez uz fron lotz ov darkniss (4 He is Cat and seez) 'n gived us dem ginkdom ov theez Son he <3 style="font-style: italic;">The Supremacy of Christ
15 'e is de imigz ov da invisibl Ceiling Cat, da furst cat ovr dem rest.
16 4 he maded all stufz: stufz in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat 'n stufz on dis planit, visibl an' invisibl, if they iz seatz ov base or bossmen or bossmen ov bossmen, he maded dem 4 himselfz!
17 He iz wat iz befor all stufz, and he maik all stufz b.
18 He iz da 'ead ov da body, da churchz!: he is da begining and the furst cat from da zombicatz, so whatevir iz he iz bossman!
19 4 de Ceiling Cat was hapi to haf everithin in 'im,
20 'n be also da settlimnt-maker ov all playces, even if iz in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat or on dis planit, so he go to da X and bleedz.

Luke 23:33-43

33 Dey caem to dis plaec called teh Skull (rock!) an crucified Jesus betwin teh criminalz.
34 Jesus sed, "Ceiling Cat, forgiv dem, dey duzint know what dey iz doin." An teh guardz playd diec to desied who got Jesus's clothes.
35 Evribodi maed fun of Jesus. Dey wuz liek "If he is Ceiling Cat's son he shud saev himself."
36 Teh soljrz wuz liek "LOL" an gaev him vinigar to drink.
37 Dey wuz liek "If u iz teh king of teh Jews, saev urself."
38 An dey putted a sien on him dat sed KING OF TEH JEWS LOL.
39 Wun of teh criminalz wuz bein all rude.
40 But teh othr wun wuz liek "Izint u afraid of Ceiling Cat? U gotted teh deth penalti too, remembr.
41 We dizrv it, but Jesus didint do ennithin rong."
42 Den he wuz liem, "Jesus, remembr me when u getz bak to ur kingdm."
43 Jesus wuz liek "Todai u wil be wif me in hevn."

Last week: Ceiling Cat sayz:
Malachai 4: 3: "Stamp on teh bad kittehs pls."

Bad Kitty Cat Zed Monster would like everyone to know that despite his bad reputation he does ask forgiveness daily to the Ceiling Cat. Zed Monster lives with other Bad Kitty Cats here. We should all follow Zed Monster's example and ask for repentance. Visit the Bad Kitty Cats Festival of Chaos every weekend.

HALP! More Holy Cat photos are needed for this weekly post. If your cat is without sin, has a visible halo or any other mark of holiness or worthines, please send me her/his photo as soon as possible.

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