meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Ascension Sunday (Memorial Day)

Friday, May 22, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Ascension Sunday (Memorial Day)

Ascension Sunday (Memorial Day)
Ezekiel 36.24–28
Acts 1.15–17, 21–end
Psalm 1
1 John 5.9–13
John 17.6–19

Acts 1.15–end

15 Den Peter stood up wit everywun Peter stood up on hiz hind legz (no wai!) wit teh bleeverz (liek hunderd twenny kittehs)
16 an he sed, "Bros, u no wen teh Jebus wen up in teh Ceilin wit teh invisible escowlator? Well, deh HovrCat wuz in teh mouf of David, doin' teh profisy bout Judas (dat traitr!) Srsly.
17 He useted to b wun ov uz! Rly! We shareded cookiez wit him.
18 Becuz Judas wuz meen n takeded Jebus to teh bad guyz, he get kitteh treetz, n wit dat treetz he can has carpet feeld. In teh feeld he felded ovah and EWWWW! All his wiggly insides felded out! Gross, k? not gud.
19 Den everywun hurd about dis an they has a funney name for dat feeld, its caled Akeldama, an dat jus meens 'Feeld ov Blud.'

20 An it iz writed,
'May diz plase be deserted (no, not lik kitteh treetz, k?)
let nobuddy wan to lives here' an
Mai anuther tak hiz place of leedrshipz, k?'

21 Now we haz to fulfil profisy too an pick somwun els to leed. k? Now dun push, we gunna pick dat persun.
22 Dis persun has be wit Jebus frum teh strt, k? All teh way to wen he get beeted n put on teh cross. Srsly. An he had to see Jebus go to teh ceiling. u got all dat?"

23 Den dey choseded two men. Joseph wuz all, "Ooh! Ooh! Pick Barsabbas. but dat is hard to say, so pick Justus. Dat is hiz udder naem. Ooh! But Mattias iz cool too. k. We pick wun ov dem, kthnx."
24 So den tey praid, "Ceiling Cat, yu know peepz hartz n stuff so u pick dis guy, plz?
25 He take ovr teh ministree (disciplez n stuf, n liek wurd ov Ceiling Cat, k?), wich dat batrayer left to dah bad plase."26 But insted of waitin for Ceiling Cat dey jus draw strawz. Matthias winz! Yay!

Psalm 1

1 Blessid iz da feline
no walk in counsil of wickid,
no place paws in path of da sinnerz,
no sit and purr with da mockerz.

2 But der delightz in lawz of Ceiling Cat,
an ponderz much.

3 Tehy liek treez bai teh waterz,
dat yieldz teh good fr00tz.
Leef duzn't wither,
prosperz much.

4 Not so teh wickid,
dey like chaffz
pwnt by windz.

5 Derefor wickid doezn't standz in teh judgemint,
or sinnerz in assembly of teh rhytchus.

6 Ceiling cat watches over whey of teh rhytchus,
whey of wickid getz pwnt.

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1 John 5.9–end

9 Wot Ceiling Cat sayz iz more important dan wot kitteh sayz. Duh. Ceiling Cat said stuffs bout Jebus.
10 You no believes in Jebus, you maeks Ceiling Cat a liar, k?
11 Fame! I'm gonna live forever! With soem halp frum Jebus.
12 Has Jebus, has live forever. Srsly.

The Sures of Faith
13 I writed you these tings so you believe in Ceiling Cat, and the gonna live forever, and Jebus.
14 And we knoe if we preys for somethin Ceiling Cat wants to do anyway, he hears.
15 Srsly. Ceiling Cat is listenin.
16 Sum sinz not so bad. Your brother do that he be OK. Sum sinz rly bad tho.
17 Bein bad is sin, but sum not so bad.
18 You down with Ceiling Cat, you no sin. Saitin no can has touchin you.
19 All da werld bad and evul.
20 Jebus has cum. He let you knoes dat. You down with Ceiling Cat and Jebus. Dis da true Ceiling Cat and the gonna live forever.
21 Kittens, no preyin to stachooz. Peace.

John 17.6–19

6 Iz alredy maed yur naem so teh kittehs yu gievs to meh noes it. Dey wuz yurs, an den yu wuz liek, “yu haev dem,” so ai taek dem an dey mien. Oh, an deyz got yur back.
7 Dey noe all teh things yuz gaev meh was gieven to meh bai yu.
8 cuz teh werds yu gievs to meh, ai has sed dey can has too. No worries, cuz dey has taeken dem from meh, an dey noes taht teh werds be coming from yu. Srsly, dey believ yu has sent meh.
9 Ai askn fur tehm, an nots fur teh whol urf. But fur teh oenz yu gievs to meh, cuz dey aer realy yurz.
10 Wahtz be mien is yurz too, an yurz tihngs be mien too. An iz been glaurfied in tehm.
11 An now, ai no is in teh werld, but mai kittehs aer, an iz soon be wiht yu in teh ceiling. Whoel daddy, protect dem wiht yur naem, taht be teh naem yu gievn meh, an tehn deyz can be togetehr , liek weez is alwys togetehr.
12 Wehn ai wuz wiht dem, iz maek dem saef wif yur naem, taht be teh naem yu gievn meh. Ai wuz all liek, “Iz yur guard,” an noen of dem be disapeering, cept teh wun weez be alwys noeing woold disapeer. He be disapeering so scripsher be dun.
13 But now iz coming to say hiz to yu, an ai sez all tehse tihns so mai kittehs can has mai hapyness maek dem whoel in demselvs.
14 Ai has gieven dem yur werd, an evrybody be haeting tehm, cuz dey liek extra puzzel peaces, just liek ai is an extra puzzel peace. We dosnt fit rite.
15 Ai no askng yu to smiet dem all an taek dem away, jus protect dem frum teh evil wun.
16 Dey liek extra puzzel peaces, just liek ai is an extra puzzel peace.
17 Maek mai kittehs compleet wiht teh truf, in yur werd, which is waht teh truf is.
18 Jus liek yu has sent meh into teh werld, ai has sent dem into teh werld.
19 Fur dere benfit, iz sanktfying maiself, tehn deys can be sanktfyed wiht teh truf. srsly.