meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Pentecost Sunday

Saturday, May 30, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Pentecost Sunday

Pentecost Sunday
Acts 2.1–21 or Ezekiel 37.1–14
Psalm 104.24–34, 35b [or 24–end]
Romans 8.22–27 or Acts 2.1–21
John 15.26,27; 16.4b–15

v. 12 WAI DO THEY SPEEK DIS WAY?!?! WAI?Acts 2.1–21

Teh HovrCat Has Got To Teh Pennycots

1 Wen teh dai of teh Pennycots cam, dey wer togedder in won plays.
2 Den, holy moos, a sawnd lyk many kittehs yellin "MIAO!" cam frum teh ceiling and filld teh hawse wher teh d00ds wuz chillin.
3 Dey sawd lickys of fyre dat cam ovr ther heds and omg it burnz! it burnz! Oh wait, no it dont!
4 All of them d00ds wuz feelin' teh Hover Cat,
an dey all talkd in stranj LOLspeek lik:
"I do say sir, what have we got here? I do believe there
are tongues of fire-like substance coming upon our heads.
and making us speak in quite the funniest way."
wtf iz wit dat? Cuz teh Hover Cat maed it happn, w00t!
5 Now teh d00ds wuz chillin in Jerooslum, Joos who feerd teh Ceiling Cat, frum evry nashun undur teh Ceiling, srsly.
6 Wen dey herd da sawnd, a litter caym and wer lyk, “No Wai!” cuz dey all talkd in weerd LOLspeeks.
7 Wow'd fer shur, dey axed,"Arnt deez teh d00ds who speekd Gallyleen bfor, watz happnin?
8 Den haw duz we heerz our naytiv LOLspeeks? Srsly!"
9 Angoras, an Manxs an Tabbies; an kittehs frum Persia an Abyssinia,
10 an Ejipt an teh partz of teh Burma neer Siam. Der were also kittehs frum resurch labz!
11 both teh Joos and da switchies two Joodyizm frum teh feilds an aleewaiz, herd dem,
"we heer dem myowin' teh 1ders ov teh Ceiling Cat in aur LOLspeeks!” WTF?
12 Wow'd and confoozd dey sez, "WAI DO THEY SPEEK DIS WAY?!?! WAI?"
13 And sum peepl LOL’d at dem and sed:
“Ya, rite. Dey nom too much gatorade, Srsly.”
Don wurry, Ceiling Cat pwnz dem peepl l8r. Kthx.
14 Den Peter stowd up wit teh eleven an sed to teh cwowd: "Oh hai!
15 Weez not drunk sillee! It be nine ay em, DO NOT WANT!
16 U know wut Joel teh profitz sez? Wel I tell yu:
17 'In teh last daiz, Ceiling Cat sez,
Im in ur urthz, puurin teh spiritz on all kittehs,
Ur suns and doters can has profisies,
Ur yung kittehs can has fun time in teh eyez!
Ur old kittehs can has fun time in teh branez!
18 Yo!
I can has be puttin my spiritz on even teh servents! RLY!
And dey can has profisies.
19 Iz gunna show u all ov teh fun stuffs up in teh Ceilin, srsly.
Oh! Yeh! Iz almos can has no memowies. Iz awso gunna show fun stuffz on teh urthz.
Oh wate, dos not fun! Urthz can has firez an smoke. Kawf! Kawf! DO NOT WANT!
20 Teh big day staw, no moar!
An teh moon can has be all blud and stuffz. Yuk!
but den Jeebus can has be back! Yayz!
21 An evewywun who be like "Jeebus!" can has cheezburger! Rly!'

Ezekiel 37.1–14

1 Teh pawz uv teh CEILING CAT wur up ons meh, n Pawz uv teh CEILING CAT brat meh to teh Spirit uv teh CEILING CAT n set meh in an earf cut! Gaiz Bones Urvywhur, WTF!
2 CEILING CAT led me arounds teh bonz uv teh gaiz, tunza bonz! Bonz urvywhere, bonz dryr den CEILING CAT'S litr bawx.
3 CEILING CAT askid meh, "Sun uv Gai, can dri gaiz be to lives?" I sez, "O CEILING CAT, onlay u duz nos."
4 Den CEILING CAT sez to meh, "Tell ded dri bonz and sez to dem, 'Dri gaiz, listun n hear teh wurd uv CEILING CAT!'
5 Dis iz what teh CEILING CAT sez to deh bonez: 'Yew get brefs, YAY! Yew get lyfe, FTW!'
6 'Yew can has tinduns on yew and can has fleshes on yew and ken b cuvurd n skinzes, YAY! I give you brefs and you gets lyfe, den u no dat ah'm teh CEILING CAT, KTHX."
7 I sez wut CEILING CAT sez for meh to sez. N as I sez it, lowd noizez, ratlin sowndz, n teh bonz cam 2gedder, bonz to bonz, SRSLY!
8 I lukd, n tinduns n fleshez wur der, and skinz ovur dem, but CEILING CAT furgot deh brefs! WTF CEILING CAT! Oops, sry, srsly, much luv 4 CEILING CAT.
9 Den CEILING CAT sez 2 meh, "Talk 2 da brefs. Talk, sun uv gai, n sez it. 'Dis iz CEILING CAT. Hai. I sez: Frum deh fur windz, O bref, a Breve in2 teh ded, so dey can has live.'"
10 So I sez teh thingz he sez, n da bref went 2 da gaiz, and dey live! WTF, lotsa gaiz!
11 Den CEILING CAT sez: "Sun uv gai, des bonez is haus uv Israel. Dey say, 'dis suckz, we thirsty, and our hopez is gon: no can has cheezburgrs.'
12 so sez to dem: 'CEILING CAT sez sup d00ds, rise frum ur grave, cuz Altered Beast rulz! You can has Israels n all is landz.
13 Den you, my d00ds, will no I am CEILING CAT, when u rise frum ur graves and com up frum dem.
14 You can has CEILING CAT'S supr awsum spirit in yew (srsly) n u can has living, and can has U-Haul to move in own land. Den yew will no dat I is CEILING CAT, and I spake werdz, and can has dun stuf, for always and ever and cheezburgrs. SRSLY.

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Psalm 104

1 Hai Ceiling Cat, I praizes u! U iz so kool, u wearz koolnez!
2 He is all wrapppd up in prety lites, and rollz out teh Ceiling liek tentses
3 and he gots a penthause up there. Ooo! He ridez in ur clowds, and surfz in ur windz.
4 Teh windz even talkz 4 him, n teh firez doez what he sez, srsly!
5 Ceiling Cat made teh Urth on teh fl0r, and u karnt mez it up.
6 Teh watr wuz all ova it, rite up 2 teh mntns.
7 U screemd and teh watr wuz gon; u just yelld n ther it went -
8 the mnts went up, n teh vallys went dwn - in teh plais u wantd.
9 Yew dun mess kz? R-Lce yew gun go outsidez, k?
10 Him maek da big cheezbrgr flow tru da Urth.
11 De guna geeb yew phude, ya.
12 Dem berdiez gun geeb yew da harblz.
13 Ceiling Cat geeb da Urth da gud meelk, den hee sleepz leik slaxxor.
14 He made graz for awl teh m00c0ws, and erbs for man so that he may get the munchies.
15 He made likker to get peepul tyred 4 teyh can has cat nap, oyil to maek greesy ph00d fer speshul hang-ovahs, and bred.
16 Him mek sum trees grew in sum hole in teh Midul Eest
17 Burd make nests 4 yung ph00dlingz , storks liv in fur trees.
18 upgrayded ram satz on hillz ses, "oh hai, Celing Cat made tis 4 muh u can go now."
19 The moon trakz sezinz, and the sun kn0ez when him taek nap.
20 Ceiling Cat teh awlmitee maeks it nite, and moocows and udder stufz comes out of the forest.
21 yung liyins com owt and seek Ceiling Cat's cheezburger but Ceiling Cat has tuh ses, "wtf i luk liek i not walrus u dont steel frm muh, gtfo ur goin Basement, k? thnxbai."
22 Wen sun c0me up tey go to crib for litul wilez.
23 sunz 0f adum work awl day and rest teh bownz al nitez.
24 Ceiling Cat has butt lowdz of cheezburger and cookie but He dont giv to teh pepul dey maek invizbul error
25 In the oshinz dere fishiz but sumtimz fish slip way so u get no ph00dz, but u can praize Ceiling Cat
26 Leviathans eated ships and efurt, but not Ceiling Cat's yawt were he be tokin with the lyunz at nite.
27 teh ppl say, "Ceiling Cat, are hungry." Ceiling Cat ses, "Oh oh butt u do aks of wurship then ph00dz, k? bai."
28 He fez tey by hand
29 He luks away then pops a cap in tey sinful self.
30 He comes to teh tiny urf, makes fudz, and it lives
31 Ceiling Cat lives 4evah, so don't think you can dis Him and get off
32 Him peekz lookz at the 'urf' and she trembles, he touches the 'hills' and tey smok.
33 You gotta rap the good rap about Ceiling Cat, or else he's gunna curze wiminz agin.
34 "Mi meditashun of Him be sweet: I will b glad in the Ceiling Cat teh almitee."
35 Dun be dumb, geeve Ceiling Cat ur soulz, will gib cheezbrger

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Romans 8.22–27
Cheezburgrz in teh Fyootchur

18 Ai fink dat evn if we getz owr eyez pokd today, datz nawt a dig deel, cuz in teh fyootchur ders cheezbrgz fur uz to be eatin, meow.
19 See cuz, evryfing dat Ceiling Cat mayd, teh Urfs an Stuff, iz waytn to see who iz kitnz uf Ceiling Cat.
20 Cuz teh Urfs an Stuff, Ceiling Cat mayd it RAWR cuz
21 wun day teh Urfs an Stuff will be liek catz dats nawt got collrs n leash no mor an iz runnin round da campfyr, meowing at da kittnz uv Ceiling Cat.
22 Alldatz creashun, teh Urfs an Stuff, meows anna whines lik catz gettn bootz trowd attem in allyway.
23 Nawt jess dem, but us to. We keeps waytn for owr adopshun.
24 We wuz savd by dat adopshun, but now we alreddy has it, so why we waytn for it?
25 Now we has to hope for moar warm milks in teh fyootchur, an den we wayt a wile: srsly, a wile.
26 Teh Invisible Cat also halpz us wen wer week. An he meows an yammers in wais we kant.
27 Seecuz Ceiling Cat noes wat we want, an he noes wat teh Invisible Cat r finkn, an teh Invisible Cat talkz to Ceiling Cat for us.

John 15.26,27; 16.4b–15

26 Iz gonna send teh d00d from teh Ceiling Cat, n he's gonna tell u teh truf. (Dat d00d b Helprcat aka Hovrcat.)
27 You d00dz r gonna talk bout dis, cuz ur my BFFs from back in teh day. Rite?
4 i wanna tell all u guise dis bc i want u to remember that i warnz u. i not tellz u this earlier cuz i was hangin round u.

teh workz of teh HovrCat
5 i iz leaving nao, why dont you guys ask "Whaer u goin?"
6 cuz i said all dis stuff, u wanna cryz.
7 but srsly, iz good for u guys that i go. less i go, teh HovrCat wont come and you alls be sad, but if i goes, i send him ur wayz.
8 when teh HovrCat comez, he wantz to convict teh urfs bout ur invisible errorz, ur riteness, an teh judgement.
9 bout ur invisible errorz, cuz noone beliefs me.
10 bout ur riteness, cuz im going to teh ceiling where u cant sees me (LOL).
11 and also bout teh judgment cuz teh devvil of dese urfs iz condemned nao.
12 i haz lots to say, lotz moar than u can hear rite nao.
13 but teh HovrCat iz coming, an he iz going to show u all troofs. he only speakz what he heerz, and mite even tell u teh futurez!!
14 he bringz teh glory to me cuz he takez my stuffz and showz it to u.
15 all teh stuffz teh Ceiling Cat haz iz mine and dat iz why i said teh HovrCat iz going to take my stuffz to show u.
16 in a little bit u no seez me cuz i be INVISIBLE JEBUS!!!LOL! but den u seez me laters.