meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Palm Sunday

Sunday, April 05, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Palm Sunday

Liturgy of the Palms:
Mark 11.1–11
or John 12.12–16
Psalm 118.[1–2] 19–242

Liturgy of the Passion:
Isaiah 50.4–9a
Psalm 31.9–16 [or 9–18]
Philippians 2.5–11
Mark 14.1—end of 15 or 15.1–39 [40–end]

Liturgy of the Palms

Mark 11.1–11

Teh Tryumfal Entree

1 Wen dey wuz neer Jerusalem an caem to Bethphage an Bethany at teh Mownt of Olivz, Happy Cat sendz
2 of hiz desipulz,2 an he wuz liek "U goez 2 teh taon ovar dere, an wen u getz dere u iz gunna fynd a hors an nobuddy evur roed dat hors. U untyz it an bringz it heer, k?
3 An if enywun iz liek 'Hay, wai u doin dat?' u sez 'Teh Lord needz it. Hez gunna bringz it bak wen hez dun.'"
4 An dey went and dey fownd teh hors an it wuz tyd up. An wen dey untyd it,
5 sum peepulz wuz liek "Hay, wai r u untyin dat hors?"
6 An dey sed wut Happy Cat toldz dem to sai, an teh peepul wuz liek "O, okai!"
7 Wen dey brot teh hors 2 Happy Cat an put deir jackitz on it,Happy Cat satz on it.
8 An lotz of peepul put jackitz on teh rod an othurz put branchiz on teh rod.
9 An teh peepul wuz liek "Yay! Teh gai dat comz in the naem of Ceiling Cat has cheezburgrz!
10 Teh kingdum of David iz gunna hav cheezburgrz! YAY!!!!!"
11 An Jebus goed into Jerusalem an went 2 teh tempul, but it wuz laet, so he goed 2 Bethany an goed 2 bed.

John 12.12–16
Jebus Comes to Town

12 Teh next day, all teh kittehs herd dat Jebus wuz goinz to Jerusalem. A bunch of kittehs
13 all broughted catnip an went to teh road to see hims. Dey wuz shoutins
O Hai Ceiling Cat!
Jebus can has cookies plz?
O Hai Jebus, u iz are King!!1!
14 Jebus saw a donkey, and wuz all liek "O Hai, iz my donkey naow." An dis wuz liek a ting peoplez would say, and dat wuz
15 "No be scareded, Jerusalem
cuz ur King is ridins a donkey. Srsly."
16 But Jebus's kittehs didn't get it at teh time (dat Jebus ridins a donkey wuz liek dis ting peoplez used to say). But laterz, dey wuz all liek "WTF, dat poem bout teh King ridin a donkey wuz totally about Jebus!!1! Even tho it wuz wrote a long timez ago. Srsly!"

Psalm 118

1 Givz all sortz of madz propz to lieks teh ceiling cat cause he's liek good and such; hiz awesomeness goes on for liek everz.
2 Letz izarail sez "Him luf goes on for liek everz."
3 Let teh family of liek Aaron liek sez "Him luf go on liek forever."
4 Letz those dat fearz teh Ceiling Cat sez "Doods him luf and niceness goez on for liek everz"
5 I was liek in some liek major badness and liek I called for Ceiling Cat: He liek said "Hai I'm hear what u want?", I waz all liek " needed some helpz plz", and den Ceiling Cat cames toed me and liek gives me something. It was a bigly biger big field wif some liek flowerz and suf, Me and Him waz hapi now.
6 Ceiling Cat is liek on me side; I will not be fraid: What could a Grue do to me long as liek Ceiling Cat and his luf is with me.
7 Ceiling Cat taked me parts wif dem that wif me: saying liek dat they willn't have his luf dat I want.
8 It iz liek gooder to liek putz ur selfs faithz in liek ceiling cat tehn to putz ur trustz en likes non ceiling catz ppl.
9 It iz liek gooder to liek put all uf ur trustz in Ceiling Cat than to liek put them in liek royal ppl.
10 All of teh othre ppl liek came aroundz me: but in teh name Celing Cat I wil maked dem luf him.
11 Tey were all liek around me; I mean realy around me, they were around me: but in teh name of Celing Cat I wil maked dem luf him.
12 Tey surronded me liek flowers round a cat in a goodest painting: tey were runed away liek tey food of teh fat house cat: fur in teh name of Ceiling Cat I will maked dem luf him.
13 You haved trust bad at me dat I maybed fall: but Ceiling Cat helped me.
14 Celing Cat is my luf and my music ting, and is liek going to be my happy song luf after I is not live.
15 Teh voice of happyness giving and goodness is in teh places of teh place of teh Ceiling Cat: teh right paw of Ceiling doseth really awesome tings.
16 Teh right paw of Ceiling Cat is taked high: teh right paw of Celing Cat doseth really awesome tings.
17 I will not no live, but live, and sez to all teh good tings of Ceiling Cat.
18 Ceiling Cat has liek learned me good: but he no give me no life.
19 Open teh gate of Celing Cat: I wilf goes into tem, and I shall say how good Ceiling Cat is.
20 Teh gate of Ceiling Cat, so teh goodly good may come in.
21 I will sez how good u is: caus liek u did hearded me, and liek I get good tings liek flowers from u.
22 Teh Celing that teh Grues no want is become teh ceiling of teh building.
23 This is Ceiling Cat's stuf that he is diding; it are awesomly awsome in all of ur eyes.
24 This is teh day which Ceiling Cat did maked; we will do happy dances and be realy glad while we did it.
25 Not now, I ask u, O Ceing Cat; O Ceiling Cat, I ask u, sended me some goodness and maked sure that it's emailed.
26 Good gived is he that is moving in teh name of Ceiling cat: we have gived him all kind of cookies out of his hoze.
27 Celing Cat is teh only Ceiling Cat, which did showed us light: when wes give him cookies, even teh ones wif M&Ms in em.
28 U is my Ceiling Cat, and I will give u mad propz: U is my Ceiling Cat, I will moved u high up on teh scale.
29 O gives teh Ceiling Cat all likes Cheezburgerz; cuz lieks him gewd: for his cooledness goeed on likes 4everz.

more animals

Liturgy of the Passion:
Isaiah 50.4–9a

4 teh sovereign Ceiling Cat has given me an instructed tongue,
to know teh word dat sustains teh weary.
him wakens me morning by morning,
wakens mai ear to listen like wun being taught.
5 teh sovereign Ceiling Cat has opened mai ears,
an ai haf no been rebellious;
ai haf no drawn back.
6 ai offered mai back to those who beat me,
mai cheeks to those who pulled owt mai beard;
ai did no hide mai face frum mocking an spitting.
7 becus teh sovereign Ceiling Cat helps me,
ai wil no be disgraced.
therefore haf ai set mai face like flint,
an ai know ai wil no be put to shame.
8 him who vindicates me is near.
who den wil bring charges aginst me?
let us face each other!
who is mai accuser?
let him confront me!
9 it is teh sovereign Ceiling Cat who helps me.
who is him dat wil condemn me?
dey wil awl wear owt like a garment;
teh moths wil eat dem up.

Psalm 31.9–16 [or 9–18]

1 In yu, o Ceiling Cat, ai haides; dis kitteh dont want to be fownd in littrboxz. Plez send meh to ur richoushnessh ov cookiez an burdiez!!
2 Ai azkin srsly! Make meh monorail kitteh, safe abuv othr kittehs.
3 3-5 Ai has a seekrit. Plez comez findz meh! Plez beh sofa so ai can haides, plez be meh haidysofa. Plez keep dis kitteh away from teh trapz.
6 6-13 I haz no leikz fah evewythin but yu, Ceiling Cat. I mew songs ov yu! Ai give yu all meh cheezburgers! Yu make meh safe abuv othr kittehs. Safe from dem all wais. Thx fah bein sofa. Ai luv yu Ceiling Cat an givz yu all meh cookiz!! Oh noes! Dere is trap! Be meh sofaz agen! Ai mew fah yu, cuz teh kittehs fink ai haz uglies! Ai haz embarrusin! Dey wishen I wuz ded bi diseez! Dey wishen ai wuz in de toylut bowl! Ded bonse ai wish ai wuz! Mai bonse waisted awai cuz ai iz mewing awl dai lawng. Ai haid in sofa frum dem agen. Ceiling Cat iz mai sofa.
14 14-18 Awlwais, yu haides meh frum Basement Cat's minyunz. Yu givs meh blankit an fudz an cuddlee. Yu savz meh cuz yu luvs meh. Plez to haz embarrusinz on teh ivil kittehs? Maek dem in the littrboxz! Plez for dem to say "Wai? Wtf?" Dey call fah meh bad namz an ai mew fah yu! Dey laff at meh frum the toylut bowl an wantz meh in der wif dem!
19 19-22 Yu give meh cookiez! Yu rly Ceiling Cat! Ai run to yu an yu haidz meh. An yu haidz awl teh kittehs dat run to yu! All cheezburgers fah Ceiling Cat! Yu make othr kittehs be fownd in littrboxz, but not teh kittehs dat givz yu cheezburger! Yu herd mai mew. Yu grab meh an heer mai mew.
23 Luv Ceiling Cat kittehs! Ceiling Cat haidz yu an meh, srsly!
24 Yu haz RAWR when Ceiling Cat iz on ur side! He iz here to beh haidysofa!

Philippians 2.5–11

5 U shud tihnk liek teh Baby Jeebus:
6 Hoo wuz teh saem as Ceiling Cat, yet nut robber, but deesidid knot to stey up dere
7 an maed himzelf jus liek uss, becumin not Ceiling Cat no mor:
8 Him wuz pretend lessr, nd obeyed thingz til deaf of cross.
9 So Ceiling Cat sez to him, "UZ AWESUM! lol" and callz him nice namez,
10 so dat wen we hears hiz nice namez, we bow at nee nd givez him all deh cheezburgerz, whether we findz dem in teh sky or on teh ground or in teh cavez,
11 and we all sez, "UZ AWESUM! UZ CEILING CAT JR! CEILING CAT ROX!"

Mark 14.1—end of 15 or 15.1–39 [40–end]

Happy Cat getz katnipsed at Bethany

1 Nao itz two dayses til cheezbrgr feest of Passovers and Unlevennseded Kibls, an soopr relijinkittehs an teh lawkats ar tryin for find speshul sly sekrt sneeky wai of catnap Happy Cat an pwnzor himz.
2 "Wez cant pwnzor Happy Cat wen its cheezbrgr feest," they sayz, "or teh peeps wil say 'DO NOT WANT!'"
3 OK, Happy Cat ar in Bethany, he ar layin bai fud tabl at hous of d00d naemd Simon teh Leper (leperd iz kinduv cat LOL he wuz kitteh!!!), womnkitteh coms wif bag of uber1337 roxxorz katnips, maed frm pyur nard (LOL nard is frm HARBL GOES WHERE!!). Womnkitteh broek teh bag an porr teh katnipz on Happy Cat an his hed an eers an noes.
4 Happy Cat peepz ar pissd an ar sayn, "WTF wy shez can wayst katnips?
5 Katnips can b solded for lotz of ca$h so homless kittehs can has cheezbrgrs." An dey is bein meens to hers.
6 "ZOMG chilz n00bs!!!11!" sed Happy Cat. "Wy u ar bein l0srs? Dis kitteh iz bein niec at meh.
7 U guise can givs stuf to homless kittehs wenevr u wants. bt u guise wont hav meh furevah.
8 De ladah did wat she cud. She poured smelly watah on meh bodah b4 de buryin.
9 Ize tellz u guise de truht, werevah de gospal is pweached, on de ceiling or on de ground, wat de lady haz dun will be dayur, in memory of her."
10 Tehn Jewdahs Izcareoht whnt 2 teh cheef preestz 2 beetrai Happy Cat 2 dem.
11 Dem wer deelaited 2 heer dis n promized 2 give him monies. So him watchd 4 chanz 2 hnd him ovr.

The Lord's Supper
12 On the first day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread, when it was customary to sacrifice the Passover lamb, Happy Cat's disciples asked him, "Where do you want us to go and make preparations for you to eat the Passover?"
13 So he sent two of his disciples, telling them, "Go into the city, and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him.
14 Say to the owner of the house he enters, 'The Teacher asks: Where is my guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?'
15 He will show you a large upper room, furnished and ready. Make preparations for us there."
16 The disciples left, went into the city and found things just as Happy Cat had told them. So they prepared the Passover.
17 When evening came, Happy Cat arrived with the Twelve.
18 While they were reclining at the table eating, he said, "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me—one who is eating with me."
19 They were saddened, and one by one they said to him, "Surely not I?"
20 "It is one of the Twelve," he replied, "one who dips bread into the bowl with me.
21 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born."
22 While they were eating, Happy Cat took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take it; this is my body."
23 Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, and they all drank from it.
24 "This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many," he said to them.
25 "I tell you the truth, I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it anew in the kingdom of God."
26 When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives.

Happy Cat Predicts Peter's Denial
27 "You will all fall away," Happy Cat told them, "for it is written:
" 'I will strike the shepherd,
and the sheep will be scattered.'
28 But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee."
29 Peter declared, "Even if all fall away, I will not."
30 "I tell you the truth," Happy Cat answered, "today—yes, tonight—before the rooster crows twice you yourself will disown me three times."
31 But Peter insisted emphatically, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." And all the others said the same.

Gethsemane
32 They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Happy Cat said to his disciples, "Sit here while I pray."
33 He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled.
34 "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch."
35 Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him.
36 "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."
37 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Simon," he said to Peter, "are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour?
38 Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
39 Once more he went away and prayed the same thing.
40 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.
41 Returning the third time, he said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.
42 Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!"

Happy Cat Arrested
43 Just as he was speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, appeared. With him was a crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests, the teachers of the law, and the elders.
44 Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: "The one I kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard."
45 Going at once to Happy Cat, Judas said, "Rabbi!" and kissed him.
46 The men seized Happy Cat and arrested him.
47 Then one of those standing near drew his sword and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.
48 "Am I leading a rebellion," said Happy Cat, "that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me?
49 Every day I was with you, teaching in the temple courts, and you did not arrest me. But the Scriptures must be fulfilled."
50 Then everyone deserted him and fled.
51 Thiz one guy wuz followinz Happy Cat, wearinz nuddin but linen undiez. Teih catched him,
52 but he left teh linen undiez and ran off nakedz. lol!

Before the Sanhedrin
53 They took Happy Cat to the high priest, and all the chief priests, elders and teachers of the law came together.
54 Peter followed him at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. There he sat with the guards and warmed himself at the fire.
55 The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for evidence against Happy Cat so that they could put him to death, but they did not find any.
56 Many testified falsely against him, but their statements did not agree.
57 Then some stood up and gave this false testimony against him:
58 "We heard him say, 'I will destroy this man-made temple and in three days will build another, not made by man.' "
59 Yet even then their testimony did not agree.
60 Then the high priest stood up before them and asked Happy Cat, "Why you not sez nuttin? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?"
61 But Happy Cat sez nuttin. Again the high priest asked him, "Are you the Christ, the Son of the Blessed One?"
62 "I am," said Happy Cat. "And you will see the Son of Kittehs sitting at the right hand of Ceiling Cat and coming on the clouds of heaven."
63 The high priest be rippin all his closes. "Why we need any moar witnesses?" he asked.
64 "You heers the blasphemy. What you fink?" They all condemned him as worthy of death.
65 Then tehy begins to hiss at him; tehy blindfolds him, scratches him wit der pawz, and said, "Prophesy!" And teh guards tooks him and beated him.

Peter Disowns Happy Cat
66 While Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came by.
67 When she saw Peter warming himself, she looked closely at him. "You also were with that Nazarene, Happy Cat," she said.
68 But he denied it. "I don't know or understand what you're talking about," he said, and went out into the entryway. After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, "Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean."
69 When the servant girl saw him there, she said again to those standing around, "This fellow is one of them."
70Again he denied it.
71 He began to call down curses on himself, and he swore to them, "I don't know this man you're talking about."
72 Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Happy Cat had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice[i] you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.

Happy Cat STFU an dont anser Pilot

1 K so den liek all teh cheefs n catz dat rite downd teh stuffs haz meetz an tied up teh Happy Cat n taeked Him to Pilot.
2 An Pilot sez 'r u teh King uv teh j00s?' An Happy Cat iz liek 'If u sez so.'
3 An teh cheefs wuz in His base, makin akyoosashuns. But Happy Cat chill an sez nothin.
4 An Pilot sez ta Him, 'Why u STFU d00d? Ur gettin pwnd srsly.'
5 But teh Happy Cat stil chill an Pilot wuz liek 'OMFG l33t'.
6 K see on dis day Pilot gots to let 1 uv teh crimnals maek freed.
7 An thar wuz a cat thar naem Barabbis, an he wuz thar fer killin some d00dz in teh base.
8 An teh crowdz axd Pilot to maek teh relees liek norml.
9 An Pilot sez, 'Shud I maek freed teh King uv teh j00s?'
10 Cus he noed teh cheefs wuz srsly jellus of teh Happy Cat.
11 But teh cheefs sez 'I see wut u did thar' an maed teh crowdz ax fer Barabbis.
12 An den Pilot sez 'K so WTF I susspose to do wit teh King of teh j00s?'
13 An teh crowdz sez 'pwn him!'
14 An Pilot wuz liek 'WTF? Wut he did?' but teh crowdz meowd evn lowder: 'pwn him!'
15 An Pilot wantz all teh peepz to liek him so he maeks free Barabbis an pwns Happy Cat.

Happy Cat getz pwnd ovr an ovr
16 An teh soljerz taekd teh Happy Cat to a plase calleded Praetorium, an moar d00dz showded up.
17 An dey dressded Him up in l33t purpl robez an putted a hat maed uv tharn on Hiz hed,
18 An dey stikked thar paws out liek Hitlar an sez 'All hale teh King uv teh j00s!'
19 An dey pwnd Him on teh hed wit a stik an spitted on Hims an neelded down to maek bowz. 20 Wen dey was doen makin fun dey taeked teh l33t robez off an putted His nrml close on an taeked Him out to pwn Him on teh cross.
21 An dey maekded a cat naemd Simon halp teh Happy Cat crry dis cross cuz it wuz srsly hevy. 22 An dey taekded Him to dis plase called Golgotha, wich meen 'All ur skullz r belong to us.'
23 An dey givded Him sum b00z but He dint drank nun.
24 An wen dey had pwnd Him on teh cross dey taekded His cheezbergrz an playded dice to see hoo taekded them az teh prize.
25 An it wuz 3 in teh affernewn an dey pwnt Him.
26 An dey maed a sine ovr Hiz hed dat sed: TEH KING UV TEH J00S.
27 An dey pwnd deez 2 d00dz dat wuz in teh base, stealin an put 1 on teh rite an 1 on teh lef.
28 Dis maed teh script tru, teh part dat sed 'Him gonna get pwnd wit teh crimnals.'
29 An all teh peepz dat comed by LOL an maek fun seyin, 'Dis iz teh cat hoo sez he gonna pwn teh tempal? If u so l33t,
30 Save urslfs an stop gettin pwnd on teh cross.'
31 An teh cheefs an cats hoo rite teh stufs down all LOLd to an sez 'He can haz halp all teh udder catz, but cant haz halp himslfs LOL.
32 If ur teh King uv Isreel stop gettin pwnd an well beleev u.' Teh d00dz pwnd nex to Him wuz srsly pissd at Him.

Happy Cat maeks ded and berryd
33 Frum 6 to 9 it getz srsly dark owtsied liek u woodnt beleev.
34 An at 9 teh Happy Cat yelt 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?' Dat meenz 'OMFG OMFG y do u haet me?'
35 An sum of teh peepz rownd thinkded He wuz tryin to txt Elias to com HALP.
36 Den 1 cat putted sum vinigur on teh stik an gaved to Jesus an sez, 'OMG letz c if Elias gonna com.'
37 An Happy Cat yelt reel lowd an wuz teh ded.
38 An teh flag at teh cherch getz pwnd in haf.
39 An wen teh gard nex to Happy Cat seen Him wuz ded he sez, 'Dis cat wuz teh Kitten of Ceiling Cat. Srsly.'
40 An thar wuz sum chikz far away an it wuz Mary Magdaln an Mary hoo wuz Jamses mom,
41 an lotz uv udder chikz cuz Happy Cat can haz strong pmphandz LOL.
42 Den at nite cuz it wuz teh day befoer Sundy,
43 Dis cat full uv WIN naemded Josif uv Armathea gose up to Pilot liek 'STFU an gimme da Happy Cat husk.'
44 An Pilot axed teh gard if Happy Cat wuz ded an teh gard sed 'Ya rly'
45 so Pilot sed 'K' an givded teh husk to Josif.
46 An Josif buyd a niec blankit an roled teh Happy Cat husk up in it an put it in teh cavez an cloesd teh door (it wuz a big rokk LOL).
47 An Mary Magdaln an Mary hoo wuz Joses mom seen it.