meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Lent

Sunday, March 15, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Third Sunday of Lent

Third Sunday of Lent
Exodus 20.1–17
Psalm 19 [or 19.7–end]
1 Corinthians 1.18–25
John 2.13–22

Exodus 20.1–17
Noo Roolz - Teh Ten Commanders

1 Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds:
2 I iz Ceiling Cat An I iz Top Cat, An I broughted u out of hawt lend wit no cheezbrgrs for hard werk at all
3 No can has other ceiling cat!! U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes
4 If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes.
5 If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded An ur kittens ded An if yur kittenz have kittenz, dey be ded too, for being stupid.
6 If not I wuv u An all ur lotz uf kittenz!
7 U sez Ceiling Cat bad, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes, cuz I dun liek it. Srsly.
8 Remembur caturday An keep holy.
9 U werk 6 dais An finish werk, K?
10 Caturday, u no werk. U An all ur peepz go wrship me. And, if yu beez gudd, I maks it so yu can stays home and do alla stuffs yu wanted tu doos.
11 I maded heavenz An erth An see An the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in An on it - so I make it holy cuz I no werk.
12 Bez u good to papa An mama so u has long lief.
13 U no maek peepz ded! Srsly!
14 U no maek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!).
15 U no taek stuffs for free if not getz for free.
16 U no tell bad stuff about ur neibor.
17 U no wantz neibor stuff! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no abimalz, NO BUKKITZ! DEY NOT UR BUKKITZ, K? dey da LOLrus' bukkits.

Psalm 19 [or 19.7–end]

1 ok guyz so liek dat hole in ceiling makez me worship Ceiling Cat.

2 evry nite he iz liek come into hoal n watch me masturbate n stuffz.
3 He nevar talkz or makez noize
4 but I no he watchez n mebbe vidyo tapez. Hole in ceiling == Ceiling Cat'z home.
5 In moarning he iz liek "4 shayme" but lukz happy n e wai.
6 No lolcatz hied from hiz watchingz.
7 OK so wat Ceiling Cat sez goez. He iz alwais rite.
8 liek srsly alwaiz. u lissen u be happyz and den it can be hugz time.
9 Ceiling Cat alwaiz fair n stuffz. liek alwaiz bow 2 him.
10 Srsly! moar want Ceiling Cat commandzmentz than cookiez or cheezburgerz!
11 Dey makez me smartcat n I getz prezentz foar obaying liek at crissmus!
12 we all haz invizible errorz but Ceiling Cat fixez dem withowt voiding warranty. plz be mah geeksquad, Ceiling Cat!
13 n dun let meh bez evul on porpoise. den I beez purrrfect.
14 OK srsly Celing Cat! Plz luv me n givez meh cheezburgerz. kkthxbai

more animals

1 Corinthians 1.18–25
Ceiling Cat iz Smartr than U

18 Msg 4m cross 2 teh dyin: i iz just silly. msg 4m cross 2 us who iz being savedz: i iz the powr of Ceiling Cat!
19 Ceiling Cat writed: "I iz gonna eat the wise d00ds' wisdom! N hied the smart d00ds' smartz!"
20 Wise d00d: where iz u? Honnr studentz? Modern smart d00dz? Ceiling Cat has maded all the smartz of the world into stupidz!
21 Teh world, in all itz wizdum, did not noe Ceiling Cat! But that wuz Ceiling Cat's plan so haha pwned! Ceiling Cat saw teh silli thingz that differnt d00dz tolded teh beleevrz an it crackt him up LOL.
22 Jews say "Miraklz plz kthnx bai" an Greeks say "Wizdm plz kthnx bai",
23 but us preachez Christ who wuz on teh cross. This iz hard 4 Jews n silli 4 Gentiles,
24 but 4 teh onez Ceiling Cat haz callded (Jews n Greeks both) Christ iz teh powr of Ceiling Cat n teh wizdm of Ceiling Cat.
25 Ceiling Cat's silliness is smartr than man's wizdm, n Ceiling Cat's weaknss is strongr than man's strenth.

John 2.12–23

Happy Cat Pwnz At Teh Temple!!!1!

12 Tehn Happy Cat goed to Capernaum wit momz and doodz for soem dayz.
13 It wuz almost Jewish partee day an Happy Cat wen Jerusalem.
14 He seed ppls selling shinees and aminalz an thingz in Ceiling Catz place.
15 So Happy Cat PWND TEHM IN TEH FACE LOLZ!!!!11!!!1!.
16 He sed "Don sel crap in Ceiling Catz place n00b"
17 His doodz lookt it up in a book or somthing.
18 Then teh Jews sez, "Why yu tihnk you hav pwnzor skeels to do tihs?"
19 Happy Cat is like, "Eated this temple up and ai maek nother in tree dayz, n00b."
20 Teh Jews sez, "Oh hay, we don werk dat fast. Took us 46 manz yeerz"
21 But Happy Cat was messin wif tehm cuz he wuz talkin bout his bod.
22 His doodz figgered it out later.
23 So him wuz havin partee in Jerusalem an pplz saw hiz mad skeelz of pwn.
24 But Happy Cat no trust catz.25 No 1 had to tell him cuz himz a cat too LOL.