meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fifth Sunday in Lent

Saturday, March 28, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Fifth Sunday in Lent

Fifth Sunday of Lent
Jeremiah 31.31–34
Psalm 51.1–12 or 119.9–16
Hebrews 5.5–10
John 12.20–33

Psalm 51.1–12 or 119.9–16

1 HALP, CEILING CAT; u said u wood luv me 4evar, and ur nice n stuff so plz make my invisible errors moar invisible
2 OH NOES TEH BATH but its ok coz mah invisible erorrs be washin' away
3 I knows what i done, mah invisible errors r like mirorrcat. Y U FOLLOWIN ME.
4 I dun u bad... u seen me doin it and sos u kan hit me with teh noosepapar and tell me to stfu.
5 I was bad even when i was a kittan.
6 U been lookin at me sinse i was all rollin around wit my bruders and sistars, wtf? How u been teechin me der?
7 I can has harbl? Den i will be kleen. Oh noes bath
8 I can has cheezburger? Mah broked legs will be dancin'
9 Plz dont be watchin' me masturbate, ceiling cat; if u watch plz foget.
10 Plz bake me a cookie, Ceiling Cat, but do not eated it :-( I can have ninja skills plz?
11 Noes pleez dont throw me into teh cold! Outside is bad 4 kittehs.
12 Halp me be moar like Happycat. I will maked a cookie for U.
13 Den I tell dogz 2 B like U. And all kittehs will love U 2.
14 Doan let nobudy eat me plz Ceiling Cat. Den I will say YAY!
15 Ceiling Cat, I can has singing plz?
16 U would not like I bring you the bukket I stoled.
17 Ceiling Cat likes sad kitteh? Cheezburger not mine? OK, I sorreh.
18 Nice Ceiling Cat. ::: pat pat pat :::
19 Cheezburgers for everybudy!

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Hebrews 5.5–10

5 So christ also did not taek upon him teh glory ov becomin high priest. But ceilin cat sed 2 him, "u r mah son; Todai i has become ur fathr.[a]"[b]
6 And he sez in anothr place, "u r priest forevr, In da ordr ov melchizedek."[c]
7 Durin teh dais ov jebus life on earth, he offerd up prayers an petishuns wif loud criez an tears 2 teh wan hoo cud save him frum death, an he wuz herd cuz ov his reverent submishun.
8 Although he wuz son, he lernd obedience frum wut he sufferd
9 And, once made perfik, he became teh source ov eternal salvashun 4 all hoo obey him
10 And wuz designatd by ceilin cat 2 be high priest in da ordr ov melchizedek.

teh notz
* a - Hebrews 5:5 or has begotten u
* b - Hebrews 5:5 psalm 2:7
* c - Hebrews 5:6 psalm 110:4

John 12.20–33

Jebus is all liek "O NOES!"

20 Sum Greeks21 wented up to Philip (who wuz from Bethsaida in Galilee), and dey was all liek "we can has meet Jebus?"
22 So Philip wented up to Andrew, and wuz liek "they can haz meet Jebus?" an Andrew was liek "I dunnoes" so dey wented togedder to Jebus to ask him.
23 Jebus sed, "It r time for Man's Kitteh (dat's me) to haz many cheezburgrs.
24 It r like catnip: oen catnip seed r make oen catnip sprout. But wen teh catnip r ded, it r maek many catnips. An teh catnip, it has a flavr.
25 If u luv life, u will be all liek "O NOES!" wen u r ded. But if u r liek "life is teh suxors!" den u be happy-cat wen u r ded.
26 If u r freinds wit me, den u can has go to ceiling wen u r ded, liek me. Cuz Ceiling Cat, he lieks teh peoplez dat tink I am teh roxors.
27 Naow I is all liek "oh noes!" What u think I shood say to Ceiling Cat? I no can be all liek "I stay alive kthnx", cuz it r important to teh plan dat I be all sacrifieced n stuff. Srsly. So instaed I say,
28 "Dad, be teh roxors, kthnx."
An den a BIG MEAOW came from teh cieling, an it sed "WTF? I AM TEH ROXORS!!1! An I will MORE teh roxors! Srsly."
29 All teh peoplez hearded teh voyce. Sum wuz all liek "STFU, it r just thundrz." Othr peoplez sed teh voice wuz frum an angel kitteh dat wuz speaknz to Jebus.
30 Jebus sed "Dat voyce wuz for u peoplez, not for me.
31 Naow it r teh time for all teh peoplez to be judjed. Naow teh hitlercats of teh urfs is goinz to be kickd out.
32 But r goinz up, away from teh urfs, an all teh peoplez r goinz to come to me."
33 (An here, Jebus wuz hinting bout how he wuz goinz to be killd, but it wuz very suttle and not all kittehs getted it).