meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Thirteenth Sunday after Pentecost

Friday, August 08, 2008

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for the Thirteenth Sunday after Pentecost

Thirteenth Sunday after Pentecost
1 Kings 19:9-18
Psalm 85:8-13 (Ps. 85:8)
Romans 10:5-15
Matthew 14:22-33
Semicontinuous series
Genesis 37:1-4, 12-28
Psalm 105:1-6, 16-22, 45b (Ps. 105:1, 45)
Romans 10:5-15
Matthew 14:22-33

1 Kings 19: 9-8

9 An der him wen into a caev, an spent teh nite in dat plaec; teh word uv Ceiling Cat caem to him, an sed, "Oh hai. Y yu here, d00d?"
10 So him sed, "Iz has bustd mai tailz off fer Ceiling Cat; fer teh Kiddehz uv Israel has forsaekn Yur promiz, teared down Yur altarz, an pwnd Yur proffetz wif der machine gunz. Iz onleh survivah; an dey wantz meh ded."

Ceiling Cat's Revelatchun To Elikhat
11 Den Ceiling Cat sed, "Go out, an stand on teh muntan befoer Meh." An behuld, Ceiling Cat passd bai, an a graet an strong wind toer into teh muntanz an breaked teh rokz in pieces befor Ceiling Cat, but Ceiling Cat wuz no in teh wind; an afetr teh wind teh urth shuk,
12 but Ceiling Cat wuz no dere either; an afetr teh urth shuk dere wuz a fier, but Ceiling Cat wuz no dere either; an afetr teh fier dere wuz a small voiec.
13 Wen Elikhat herd dis, him wrapped him faec in him mantel an wen out an stud in teh entranec uv teh caev. Suddenlee a voiec caem to him, an sed, "Y yu here, Elikhat?"
14 An him sed, "Iz has bustd mai tailz off fer Ceiling Cat; fer teh Kiddehz uv Israel has forsaekn Yur promiz, teared down Yur altarz, an pwnd Yur proffetz wif der machine gunz. Iz onleh survivah; an dey wantz meh ded."
15 Den Ceiling Cat sed to him: "Go bak to teh Wildurnez uv Damascus; wen yu get dere, anoint Hazael as king ovah Syria.
16 Also yu shall anoint Jehu teh son uv Nimshi as king ovah Israel. An Elisha teh son uv Shapat uv Abel Meholah yu shall anoint as proffet in yur plaec.
17 An it can beez dat whoevah escaepz frum teh gunz uv Hazael, Jehu will pwn; an whoevah escaepz teh gunz uv Jehu, Elisha will pwn.
18 Yet Ai can has reservd seven tousan in Israel, all whoes nees no can has bowd to Baal uv Twine, an evereh mouth dat no can has kissd him."

Psalm 85
Singy Tiem fo tha Sunz Uv Korah

1 Ceiling Cat, yur realeh kewl. Srsly. Yu maek no moar slaev kittehs.
2 Yu maek all uv invisible errors betta an stuff.
3 Yu no maek angwy tiem no moars. Dats kewl, Iz no lieks dat stuffs.
4 Plz dun be mad no moars.
5 Ceiling Cat be mad at us tiems infinity? NOES!!1! Evn our littlest kitteh sunz?
6 Mehbey yu maek it all betta, an we maek funneh sownds at yu?
7 Haev merceh on us!!1!
8 Iz be good listender. Ceiling Cat talkz peece an stuffs an blah blah 2 his fello kittehs. Dey dun need 2 be bad kittehs after dat.
9 We be fraid uv Ceiling cat. Sow we gets gud stuffs! His awesum stuff culd maek dis place bettr.
10 Merceh and troofs be wif each uthur. Gud stuffs and peece maek out.
11 Troofs will pounce frum Urfs; gud stuffs come frum ceiling.
12 Ceiling Cat giveded us teh gud stuffs, an we maek it gud on Urfs.
13 Gud stuffs maek us liek Ceiling Cat.

Romans 10: 5-15

5 Moses sed: "Teh kitteh who duz dese lawz liv by dem." Rly!
6 The richtus sed: "Dun say, 'Who gose to teh Ceiling?'
7 or 'Who gose into teh bad plase?'"
8 Wut do dey sey? Teh wordz r in ur mouf an hart, makin yu proclame:
9 "Jebus is teh Awsum Wun"
10 an yu rly rly meen it, u can has cheezburger.
11 Teh Wordz sez, "If u can has trust in teh Ceiling Cat, yu nevr can has shame, srsly."
12 Der be no difrens betwen teh Joocat an teh Notjoocat.
13 "Every kitteh who sez Jebus is teh Awesum Wun can has cheezburger."
14 But whai wud teh kittehs beleef yu, lol.
15 Dun be stoopid, cuz teh Wordz sez, "Teh pawz of teh kitteh hu bringz teh gud newz is rly nice!"

Matthew 14: 22-33

22. Then Jesus haz sum air An fire runez and he cast OMGHI2UDHITBSTABHERDIAF!!!11!1! and teh BFIAA all wentz to hell!!!
25. OK so iz liek teh nites and Jesus camez out, and he iz srsly wlking ontop teh waterz.
26. Teh dscpls sawed him and ar scured and tehy sayed "OMG haxx!"
27. But Jesus sez "O hai! Iz just me. lol."
28. "Hay dood. dat u?" sez Peter, "I can comez ontop teh waterz plz?"
29. "yah lol," sez Jesus. Den Peter camed ontop teh waterz and iz goes to Jesus.
30. But Peter sawed teh windz and he got scareded and he fallz in teh waterz and wus liek "Halp! Invisible sidewalk! DO NOT WANT!"
31. Jesus halps Peter and sez "U n00b, ur doin it rong. Why U not beleev?"
32. N when they climb into da boat, the wind died down.

Genesis 37: 1-4; 12-28

Joseph maik pikchurz in hed wile sleepz
1 An Jacob livd in place calld Canaan wher no1 noo hiz famlyz An no1 carez if he wuz n00b.
2 This iz story ov Jacob. Iz rly story of joseph but teh 1th ppl who rited teh bibel rited it down rong. mus b cuz ov teh funny alfabetz. Joseph wuz 17 yrz old kidz An 1 dai he An his bros wuz givin cookies 2 teh sheeplz. An Joseph wuz brown nose An told hiz old man all teh wikkid stuffs dey did like raedin wikkidpedia An masturbatin An smokin weedz An stealin pplz stufz An stuf.
3 Now Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob liekd Joseph mor than all his othr kidz, cuz he wuz old man wehn joseph wuz bornd so he wuz like grandson wich iz mor fun: An he made him sum badass pimp cloths an some totally 1337 kickz An wud of gaev him a totally trickd out gangsta ride but carz wuznt nventd yet.
4 An when his bros saw taht Jacob liekd Joseph mor than ne ov dem, dey hatez him An getz all pissed off An stuf An getz all up in hiz face An sed rly r00d mean ingorent thingz 2 him.

Joseph'z bros sel him
12 An his bros went 2 Shechem 2 getz mor cookiez 4 teh sheepz.
13 An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob sed 2 Joseph, did ur bros gon 2 Shechem 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheepz? i wantz u 2 goez An mek shur deyz alrite. An he sed k.
14 An he sed 2 him, Go find out if ur bros An teh sheeplz iz alrite; An com bax An tellz me. So he sed k, gon 2 shechem, brb.
15 An he gotz losted (fuxxing mapquest!!!!1!!) An sum d00d finded him An axt him, wut u lookin 4?
16 An he sed i iz lookin 4 my bros who iz gon 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheeplz.
17 An teh d00d sed, dey r gon An dey sed letz goez 2 Dothan cuz dey has betr cookies tehre. An Joseph sed kthxbai An finded his bros in Dothan.
18 An wen dey seez him An he wuz stil on teh roadz long wais awai lookin 4 dem, they deciedd 2 pwnz him.
19 An they sed look d00dz, teh kid wot can haz teh wierd dremz iz comin.
20 so letz us pwnz him, An trhow him in2 sum pit, An we will say sum evil aminal like crocodiel or lion or lolrus eated him: An 2 hell with hiz drems lol.
21 An Reuben hurdz dem, An he sed dont pwnz him cuz u will loses pointz.
22 so dont pwnz him, jus trhow him into sum pit way out in teh booniez, An dont hurtz him. cuz Reubn kind of liekd joseph An wuz sort of brown nose 2 An thot he mite taekz him bak 2 his old man wen no1 wuz lookin but he didnt tellz tehm taht..
23 An so when Joseph finded his bros, dey took awai hiz totally badass cloths, An his totally 1337 kickz 2. but dey cudnt taek hiz pimp ridez cuz carz wuznt inventd yet.
24 An they trhowd him in2 a pit An tehr wuznt eny waterz in it. no cheezburgrz or cookies either.
25 An it wuz tiem 4 lunch so dey sitz down An eatz cheezburgrz An cookies: An they saw a crew ov Ishmeelites form Gilead goin 2 egypt with lotz ov camels An all kindz ov rly gud herbz An weedz An othr rly gud stufz taht wuz liek catnipz 4 ppl An wuznt illegalz yet cuz Ceiling Cat didnt mek ne lawz yet but taht wuz ok cuz he wuz gonna maek alot of lawz l8r in exodus An leviticus An numb3rs An d00teromony.
26 An Judah sed i can has good idea: we no pwnz him, we can sellz him and has a money.
27 we dosent has to pwnz him if we can sellz him. An his bros sed k.
28 Then dey met sum Midianitez; An they takez Joseph out ov teh pit, An sellz him 2 tehm 4 20 moneyz: An dey takez Joseph 2 Egypt.

Psalm 105

1 Oh hai! - giv Cieling Cat teh bg prrrrrrrrrrrrr; yel "Ceiling Cat?" rlly lowd: tel othr kittehs (mybe puppeez tu) whut him haz dided.
2 Maek teh noizy mew at him, mybe maek up teh fnny song tu, k?: tel bout teh tiem he maek teh gushy coem out frm frigratr an oter majik stuf him canz du.
3 Rll arown liek hiz naem iz yr ctnipz: beez hppy win yu lookz arown tu seez Cieling Cat.
4 Go arown teh hole howz liek yu crzy cuz yu no canz find favrit toyz -- yu lookz arown to seez Cieling Cat, an teh mussels uv him, tu (hintz: dOOd! lookz up! him iz prbly in cieling -- yu lookz fr whskerz uv him -- RITE NOW! -- all teh tiem -- SRSLY!)

more cat pictures

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LOL Cat Bible News
August 6th

Like anime? (meeyauw says: Yes! Tonight is anime night at the library!) Do you think you can learn anything from anime? Well, a good friend of Zotnix, Sid Narged, released a pretty cool book called Anything I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned from Anime. This guy taught Zotnix a lot and he wants to teach other people the facts of life . . . via anime. He also gave Zotnix a shout out on a page near the front of the book.

Also, Ceiling Cat's twitter is right here and still operating. Cats. Always napping.

A ROFLThing is in the works for NYC, and Zotnix was wondering if anyone out there had any cool ideas. He'd love to meet up with some people and do something creative in regards to the site? Don't hesitate to email Zotnix with some ideas.

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