meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, February 13, 2011, Valentine's Edition

Friday, February 11, 2011

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, February 13, 2011, Valentine's Edition

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Deuteronomy 30:15-20 or Sirach 15:15-20
Psalm 119:1-8
1 Corinthians 3:1-9
Matthew 5:21-37

Deuteronomy 30:15-20

15 See, I gives yu lief an cheezburgrz today, but also deth an bad stufs.
16 Cuz Iz tellin yu tu loev teh Ceiling Cat, an du wut he sez; den yu wil liv an get biggr, an teh Ceiling Cat wil give yu teh cheezburgrz.
17 But if yu dont du dat, an if yu, liek, did it for anuddr god,18 yu iz on teh list tu be pwnzord. Yu not gunna live fr long, an yu definitly not gettin cheezburgrz.
19 Did day I callz teh ceiling an teh urfs tu see me give yu lief an deth, cheezburgrz an bad stufs. LOLZ. Teh ceiling an teh urf cant see. So, yu gots tu choos lief, cuz uddrwiz yu gunna be pwnzord.
20 An also loev teh Ceiling Cat an lissen tu him. Srsly, iz not a joke. Cuz he iz ur lief, an he can give yu moar lief, tu.

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Psalm 119: 1-8

1 Luky dem hus pat iz raizos, dey hu fallow da Ceiling Cats lov.
2 Luky dem hu keepz Hiz kovenant an bai their hole hart azk Hiz wil,
3 thei hu don do ´rong but wook Hiz wayz.
4 U´ve given ur rulz to bii fulli obeid.
5 Aww, dat mai wayz wer stedi wen dooin´ woot u sayz!
6 I won´t be a n00b wen i´m dooin´ all w00t u sayz.
7 Ai wil meow 2 u from mai hart wen learnin´ ur gud lawz.
8 Ai wil do w00t u sayz - never 4sake me.

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1 Corinthians 3:1-9

WTF? Divisions in teh Ceiling Cat Clubz!!!11!!1!!
1 Brothers, u iz just newbornded kittenz in Christ.
2 I gave you milk, not cookies, bcz u wuz not reddi for cookies. U iz still not reddi!
3 Bcz u iz not spirichl enuff. U iz all fightin n jelous. U iz actin liek humanz!
4 When one d00d sez "I follaz Paul," n some othr d00d sez "I follaz Apollos," u is just humanz!
5 What iz Apollos enniwai? N Paul? Jus servantz workin for Ceiling Cat to maek u believ.
6 I putted teh seed in teh ground, Apollos putted teh watr on it, but Ceiling Cat maded it grow.
7 Teh d00d dat duz teh plantin iz nuffing. Saem wif teh d00d dat putz teh waterz. Only Ceiling Cat is moar dan nuffing, bcz he makez teh thingz gro.
8 Teh plant n water d00dz iz duin teh riet thing though, n both getz cheezburgr!
9 We workz wif Ceiling Cat. U iz his field n hiz bilding.

Matthew 5:21-37

Killin ur d00dz
21 u kno if u pwnz0rz, Ceiling Cat is liek "wtf? bad kittehz!"
22 but if u is liek "u n00b!", uz betr off in trashcan, srsly.
23 if u has gift 4 Ceiling Cat n u has pwned ur brother
24 ur brother can has hugs b4 u give gift 2 Ceiling Cat
25 lawyers screw u. settle out of court. srsly
26 or they take all ur $$. iz all true. srsly.

Cheetin
27 Ceiling Cat iz liek "no buttsecks!!1!1 bad kittehz!"
28 but im liek "wtf? im in ur brain, watching u think about it"
29 if ur eye makez u bad kitteh, scratch it out with ur claws, or uz betr off in trashcan, srsly.
30 if ur paw makez u bad kitteh, bite it off, or uz betr off in trashcan, srsly.

Divorse
31 Ceiling Cat iz liek "pay divorce lawyer"
32 but im like "divorcee iz slut. uz betr off in trashcan, srsly."

Promisiz
33 Ceiling Cat iz liek "dont break oath or i break u!!1!"
34 but im like "omgwtf? dont swear by Ceiling Catz pad
35 "or by Ceiling Catz paws on floor
36 "or by ur fir
37 "ya rly:=ya rly; no wai:=no wai. else evil kitteh."