meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, January 9, 2011

Saturday, January 08, 2011

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sunday, January 9, 2011
First Sunday after the Epiphany

Isaiah 42:1-9
Psalm 29
Acts 10:34-43
Matthew 3:13-17

Isaiah 42:1-9

Teh Survint of Ceiling Cat

1 "Heer is mi survint, whoom I are upholdz, 
      mi choosended one in whoom I are deelite; 
      I wil putz mi Spirits on himm 
      n him wil are bringded justis 2 teh nashuns. Srsly.

2 Him are wil dont beens shouted or has a cri outt, 
      or raez him voiss in teh streetz.

3 A broosed reed he wil dont are brokded, 
      n a smolderin wik he wil dont are snuffed out. 
      In fathefulllnis he wil is bringded forf justis;

4 he wil dont aer faultered or b discurajed 
      till he are istablished justis on teh erffs. 
      In him law teh ilindz wil put der hoep."

5 dis is wat Ceiling Cat are sezed. Srsly— 
      he hoo are creatided teh hevanz n are strecheded dem out, 
      hoo spred out teh erffz n al dat aer coemed out uv it, 
      hoo givezed breff 2 its pplz, 
      n life 2 dose hoo are wok on it:

6 "I, Ceiling Cat, are has calleded u in ritechusnis; 
      I wil are taked hold ov ur hand. 
      I wil keepded u nd wil maked ur 
      2 b a cuvnint 4 teh pplz, 
      n a liet 4 teh jentilz,

7 2 opin eyz dat has a blinded, 
      2 free sum captivz from prizun 
      n 2 reelees from teh dunjun dose hoo are sitz in teh darknisz. Srsly.

8 "Ize teh LRD; dat iz meh namez! 
      I wil nott are givez meh glori 2 anuder 
      or meh praze 2 idullz. Srsly.

9 Se, teh formir tingz hav tookded place, 
      n nu tingz I are been deeclairded; 
      b4 dey aer springz intu bein 
      I are annownce dem 2 u. Srsly."

Psalm 29

1 David has teh Psalm. Give cheezburger to Ceiling Cat, he iz teh l33t, give Ceiling Cat teh gl0ry An grace.
2 Give cheezburgerz to teh Ceiling Cat cuz of his name, lol, an has beautiez as u praize his name.
3 Teh meow of teh Ceiling Cat is teh meow of teh waterz! (He has teh voice of all of teh waterz, tho kittehs DO NOT WANT water.)
4 Teh meow of teh Ceiling Cat is purrty an powerful.
5 Teh meow of teh Ceiling Cat maeked kitteh tree fall down; it maeked teh kitteh trees of Lebanon go boom.
6 He maeked dem to skip like teh bby cowz; Lebanon an Sirion like teh l33t unicornz.
7 Teh meow of teh Ceiling Cat parted teh fire, lol!
8 Teh meow of teh Ceiling Cat maeked teh treez dance lyk WOAH, espeshully in Kadesh, cuz they is speshull kittehs.
9 Teh meow of teh Ceiling Cat maeked teh hinds to calve? an discovr teh forestz of l33t! In teh litter box, lol, evry kitteh meow Ceiling Cat's glory!
10 Teh Ceiling Cat sit on teh flood (cuz little kittehs DO NOT WANT teh floodz); w00t, teh Ceiling Cat be teh Lord forevrz.
11 Teh Ceiling Cat give teh catnip to teh kittehs; teh Ceiling Cat gives teh blessings of teh catnip to his kittehs an givez dem teh peaces.

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Acts 10

CATNELIUS IZ LIEK "I CAN HAZ PETER?"
1 At Cezarea der wuz a d00d naemd Catnelius n he wuz da "big cat" in da Regimans.
2 He n hiz famileh luvd Ceiling Cat n talkd 2 him daileh n gave cookiez to kittehs who wuz liek "I has be in need."
3 One dai durin kitteh litter time he sees sum craezy-azz vishuns.
4 Catnelius wuz liek "oh shaet LOL"
5 Teh anjul sed "Ur praers n cookiez has be a memorial offerin 2 da Ceiling Cat.
6 Now send sum peeps 2 git Simon (most catz call em Peter, idk y).
7 Ya git hiz azz ova hear."
8 Wen teh anjul lef Catnelius got 2 d00ds n a Gawd-freain soulja. H gaev em teh dirt on Ceiling Cat n send em 2 Joppa.

TEH TRIPPEH VIJUNS OF PETER
9 Teh nex dai Peter wuz talkn 2 Ceiling Cat on teh roof.
10 Den he sez "I has hunger n I want sumtin 2 eatz."
11 He saw a big sheet like peepz hav on deir bedz.
12 It has animulz on its wit teh 4 feetz.
13 Den a voice (Ceiling Catz I think) sez 2 Pete, "Git up, Peter. Can has cheezburger."
14 Peter sez, "uh-uh, Loard, I dont eatz teh unclaen."
15 Den God wuz piszed n hes liek, "Do not call teh cheezburger unclaen dat I has made claen."
16 Repeat step 13-15 three tiemz.
17 While Petey wuz wunderin bout teh vishunz, sum d00ds is stopped at teh gaet.
18 "Haysup," dey sez, "Were iz Simon (most catz call em Peter but idk why)?"
19 Whiel Pete wuz still thinkin, Ceiling Cat sez "Hay, 3 d00ds r lookin 4 u.20 Git yo azz up n go downstaers."
21 Peter went downstaers n sed "Wut do u want."
22 Dey sez, "We has come from Catnelius da "big cat" from teh Regimans. He iz teh right-ness God-freain d00d. Da Ceilin Cat made uz come get u."
23 Den Pete invite dem 2 hiz litterbox, thx!

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Matthew 3:13-17

Happy Cat gets Water Baf!
13 Den Happy Cat caem from Garary, to has water baf from John
14 But John was all "Ur doin it rong, j00 needz to water baf me"
15 And Happy Cat sayed "STFU and gib to me water baf n00b" and John did.
16 Wen he was gived water baf he gtfo of teh water and, ZOMG, teh ceilinz opened up and Hover Cat caem down liek a duv and landeded on him
17 And, ZOMFGWTF, a voice from heven sayed "Hai guise, dis my son, and I tink he teh 1337."