meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, July 11, 2010

Friday, July 09, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Amos 7:7-17

Psalm 82

Deuteronomy 30:9-14

Psalm 25:1-10

Colossians 1:1-14

Luke 10:25-37

Amos 7:7-17
teh levl

7 Den he showded me a wall an he wuz uzin a levl to maek shure it wuz strait.
8 An Ceiling Cat askted, "What duz u see, Amos?" I sed "A levl."
Den Ceiling Cat sed, "I iz settin up a levl to chek teh peeplz of Israel. I cant put up wif dere nonsens no moar.

9 "I will destroi Isaac's high plaeciz
n trash hiz saef plaisiz
n attak Jeroboams famili wif mai sword."
Amos n Amaziah

10 Amaziah wuz a priest in Bethel. He tolded King Jeroboam, "Amos is causin a ruckus an makin trubl for u here in Israel.
11 He iz all " 'Jeroboam wil get killded wif a sword,
an teh peepl of Israel wil be drivn awai, far awai from hoam.' "

12 Amaziah tolded Amos, "STFU an go bak to Judah.
13 Stai out of Bethel kthnxbai."

14 Amos tolded Amaziah, "I wuzint a proffet befor an neithr wuz mai daddi. I takeded caer of sheepz an treez.
15 But Ceiling Cat tolded me to cut dat out and go tell teh fyoochr to teh peepl of Israel.
16 Now u lissnz to what Ceiling Cat sez. U sez,
" 'Doan predikt bad thingz for Israel,
or for Isaacs famili eithr.'

17 "So Ceiling Cat sez:
" 'Ur wief will becom a hookr,
n ur kittnz will all get killded wif a sword LOL.
Ur properti wil be taekn by othr peeplz
an u wil die far awai.
Teh peepl of Israel wil be drivn out of Israel,
awai from hoem.' "

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Psalm 82

1 Ceiling cat pwns in teh assembli he pwns faek ceiling cats, srsly!
2 Ho long will u defen teh bad catz and halp teh bad catz?! U R DOIN EET RONG! Stop an tink, nao, srsly, kthx.
3 O hai thar, halp teh weak an orphan catz; giv teh poor and oppressd catz cheeseburgrz an cookiez!"
4 Reskyu teh weak an needy; taek dem awai frm teh bad catz pawz.
5 Dei duno/understnd anyfing. Stoopid, srsly. Dei walk in teh dark; all of teh urfs' base iz shake.
6 Ai sez, 'o hai "godz"; u iz all sonz of teh vry high.
7 But u will dai! Srsly! UFAIL!!1!1!one!!1! Srsly! "Orly?" "Yarly." "Kthx." "Bai."
8 Get up nao, Celing Cat! NAO! kthx. Judge teh urfs! coz all teh nashuns iz ur inheritance. kthxbai

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Deuteronomy 30:9-14

9 Den teh Ceiling Cat maeks yu hav teh most cheezburgrz fr everyfing yu duz. An him be hapee tu giv yu dem, tu,
10 if yu lissen tu him an du teh stuf in hiz book an stuf. Liek, srsly, yu gots tu du dat.

Teh offerz ov lief an deth
11 Now, unles yu iz a total n00b or stoopdi or sumfing, den dis iz not hard.
12 Itz not on teh ceiling, so dat yu asks, "Hoo clims teh certan to gets it an tell it tu us?"
13 Itz not acros teh pond eeder, cuz dat wood be meen, cuz waturz iz bad.
14 No, teh wurd iz very neer; itz in ur mowth. LOLZ. Dat not very far. So yu gots to lissen tu it.

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Psalm 25

Here be of Davidz

1 ::hands ceiling cat a cookie::
2 I puts my stuff wiff u, k Ceiling Cat? don let me be pwned, an don let my enemies pwn me.
3 No an whos hope iz in u will evah be pwned, but dey will be put to shamez who are haterz wid no excuse.
4 Shows mz how toodoo it CEILING CAT lern me da wayz ofz duncle.
5 guide mz in da WURD and lern me, for you iz da CEILING CAT wha safeda me, caz aim contzin on ya from mornen to twelve.
6 dont fo get CEILING CAT, yourz groovay honey and suga, for tha ar fom of zda golden oldeez.
7 dont look atz my bads, o myz cars, butz at da bath tub we i am rinsdz dza badz outz da home indza wall de be for for yuo da man o CEILING CAT.
8 Guud is Ceiling Cat, he sall instruct teh sinnors.
9 He gide teh meek wif justis and wif da meek he shall teech in his waiyz.
10 All teh paths o' Ceiling Cat r teh uber-ness an trooth unto Ceiling Cat's prasies, for u teh man, dood. Srsly.
11 For Jebus' sake, o Ceiling Cat, pardon mah iniquity, for it pwns.
12 is he teh cat who feareth Ceiling Cat? U shall instruct him fo u ar 1337.
13 He'z innercat shall dwell AT ees, an shall inherit t3h landz. srsly.
14 CEILING CAT confidez in themz who phe4r him; ee shewz them his harbls
15 My eyez ar evah on teh CEILING CAT, for only ee noz when I fwap.
16 Turn thee un2 meh, and have teh murcy upon meh for i am tempted by teh Basement Cat, who's path to invisibl error is paved with many katnip pleytings.
17 Teh troubliz ob mah hart r troubld, bring meh out of mah troublnizz.
18 Considar mah invisibl errors an forgiv mah sinz. pleez, for i DO NOT WANT teh Basement Cat in mah closit no moar.
19 Pwn mah manee eminees.
20 Dewiver meh without shame for I take refug in u, o Ceiling Cat, for u pwn lots. Srsly.
21 Let integrity an Happycat-ness perserv meh, for i wate for u.
22 O snap, Israel, Ceiling Cat, reedem meh o mah troublz.

Colossians 1:1-14

1 'k Paul, a loongcatz ov Jebus by hopez ov teh Ceiling Cat, 'n Timothy, ovrz bro,
2 To teh howly 'n faizfull broz in Jebus at Colosse:
Gracez 'n Piece (no cheezbrgr?!) fron da Ceiling Cat, ovrz dadz!
Thanksgiving and Prayer
3 We r alwaiz thankingin teh Ceiling Cat, da dadz ov ourz Bossman Jebus, when weez sayz dis wurds ov prayr 4 ya,
4 cos we've ben 'earing ov ur belieff in Jebus 'n 4 thee <3 luv <3 u haz 4 All Saints -
5 de fayth and <3 luvz <3 dat b coming fron ur depot ov hope up in da hoodz ov da Ceiling Cat 'n dat wich u haz allredy herd 'bout in da wordz ov thrught, dem gospilz
6 dat alrady cum 4 u. (no srsly, wan sentincz!) Evry place herez on diz planit dat gospil iz havin' fruitz and eez growin', jus' like 't haz bin growin' in youz when u heards it and de holy stufz ov teh Ceiling Cat waz in al ov 'tz throuth wit ya.
7 Ourzs <3 luvd <3 Epaphras, uas teeching ya ov it, he b faizfull 4 Christ 4 uz,
8 he also toldz uz of urz <3 luv <3 in da Spirit.
9 So diz b whai, sincz we's heering ov youze, we alwaiz prayz 4 youze 'n askining da Ceiling Cat to givez u skillz ta undehrsthand hiz thingink 'n stufz.
10 W iz praing laik diz, so thee live ur laif worthee ov da Bossman 'n maik 'im a happycat in allwaiz: makining edible stufs in evri gud nap, getin' bigr in da thingink and stufz ov teh Ceiling Cat,
11 b'ing stronged wif all da base laik he wanz so'z u may haz loong napz 'n pacient wait 4 cheezbrgr, 'n hapi
12 givin' thanx to da Dadz whu maik u valid 4 inheritunz ov All Saints 'n deir tunez. (r'ly! wan sentincz!)
13 4 He iz da wan who savez uz fron lotz ov darkniss (4 He is Cat and seez) 'n gived us dem ginkdom ov theez Son he <3 luvz <3,
14 whom wif we haz redempschun, da forgez ov sinz.

Luke 10:25-37

Teh Gud Samaritan

25 Den a lawyr d00d ax "Boss, how I gits to liv forevr?"
26 Jebus ax "Wut duz da r00lz say?"
27 Lawyr d00d sez "U shd luvz Ceiling Cat wit hart an soal an bodee an brainz, an u shd luvz ur naybor as much as u luvz ur self."
28 Jebus sez "Dats rite. Do dat an u liv."
29 But lawyr d00d ax "But who beez mai naybor?"
30 Jebus sez "Wons up on a tiem, a d00d goed frm Jerusalem to Jericho. But OH NOES! Him get beeted up an robd an stuf, an him almost deded. Srsly!
31 Den priest d00d walk by an ignor him.
32 Den Levite d00d walk by an preten not seez him.
33 But Samaritan d00d seez him and sez "OMGWTH?!!! Iz u ok?!"
34 An him helpd hurted d00d an givs him fud
35 an takz him to vet an promisz to payz vet bill.
36 So wich won of dez tree wuz naybor to him dat got robd?"
37 Lawyr d00d sez "Him dat was nies to him." An Jebus sez "Dats rite. So do liek dat."