meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Easter Sunday

Friday, April 02, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Easter Sunday

Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday

Acts 10:34-43 or
Isaiah 65:17-25
Psalm 118:1-2, 14-24
1 Corinthians 15:19-26 or
Acts 10:34-43
John 20:1-18 or
Luke 24:1-12

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Isaiah 65:17-25

new heavens an new earth

17 "behold, im gonna create New heavens an new earth. Teh formr things will not be rememberd, Nor will they come 2 mind.
18 butt be glad an rejoice forevr In wut im gonna create, 4 im gonna create jerusalem 2 be delight An itz peeps joy.
19 im gonna rejoice ovar jerusalem An taek delight in mah peeps; Teh sound ov weepin an ov cryin Will be herd in it no moar.
20 "nevr again will thar be in it An infant hoo livez but few dais, Or an old man hoo doez not liv out his yeers; He hoo diez at hundrd Will be thot mere youth; He hoo fails 2 reach [a] hundrd Will be considerd accursd.
21 they will build haus an dwell in them; They will plant vineyardz an eat their fruit.
22 no longr will they build haus an others liv in them, Or plant an others eat. 4 as teh dais ov tree, So will be teh dais ov mah peeps; Mah chosen onez will long enjoy Teh werkz ov their hanz.
23 they will not toil in vain Or bear children doomd 2 misfortune; 4 they will be peeps blesd by teh lord, They an their descendants wif them.
24 before they call im gonna anzwr; While they r still speakin im gonna hear.
25 teh wolf an teh lamb will fed togethr, An teh lion will eat straw liek teh ox, But dust will be teh serpents fud. They will neithr harm nor destroy On all mah holy mountain," Sez teh lord.

teh footnotez
* a - isaiah 65:20 or / teh sinnr hoo reachez

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Psalm 118

1 Givz all sortz of madz propz to lieks teh ceiling cat cause he's liek good and such; hiz awesomeness goes on for liek everz.
2 Letz izarail sez "Him luf goes on for liek everz."
3 Let teh family of liek Aaron liek sez "Him luf go on liek forever."
4 Letz those dat fearz teh Ceiling Cat sez "Doods him luf and niceness goez on for liek everz"
5 I was liek in some liek major badness and liek I called for Ceiling Cat: He liek said "Hai I'm hear what u want?", I waz all liek " needed some helpz plz", and den Ceiling Cat cames toed me and liek gives me something. It was a bigly biger big field wif some liek flowerz and suf, Me and Him waz hapi now.
6 Ceiling Cat is liek on me side; I will not be fraid: What could a Grue do to me long as liek Ceiling Cat and his luf is with me.
7 Ceiling Cat taked me parts wif dem that wif me: saying liek dat they willn't have his luf dat I want.
8 It iz liek gooder to liek putz ur selfs faithz in liek ceiling cat tehn to putz ur trustz en likes non ceiling catz ppl.
9 It iz liek gooder to liek put all uf ur trustz in Ceiling Cat than to liek put them in liek royal ppl.
10 All of teh othre ppl liek came aroundz me: but in teh name Celing Cat I wil maked dem luf him.
11 Tey were all liek around me; I mean realy around me, they were around me: but in teh name of Celing Cat I wil maked dem luf him.
12 Tey surronded me liek flowers round a cat in a goodest painting: tey were runed away liek tey food of teh fat house cat: fur in teh name of Ceiling Cat I will maked dem luf him.
13 You haved trust bad at me dat I maybed fall: but Ceiling Cat helped me.
14 Celing Cat is my luf and my music ting, and is liek going to be my happy song luf after I is not live.
15 Teh voice of happyness giving and goodness is in teh places of teh place of teh Ceiling Cat: teh right paw of Ceiling doseth really awesome tings.
16 Teh right paw of Ceiling Cat is taked high: teh right paw of Celing Cat doseth really awesome tings.
17 I will not no live, but live, and sez to all teh good tings of Ceiling Cat.
18 Ceiling Cat has liek learned me good: but he no give me no life.
19 Open teh gate of Celing Cat: I wilf goes into tem, and I shall say how good Ceiling Cat is.
20 Teh gate of Ceiling Cat, so teh goodly good may come in.
21 I will sez how good u is: caus liek u did hearded me, and liek I get good tings liek flowers from u.
22 Teh Celing that teh Grues no want is become teh ceiling of teh building.
23 This is Ceiling Cat's stuf that he is diding; it are awesomly awsome in all of ur eyes.
24 This is teh day which Ceiling Cat did maked; we will do happy dances and be realy glad while we did it.
25 Not now, I ask u, O Ceing Cat; O Ceiling Cat, I ask u, sended me some goodness and maked sure that it's emailed.
26 Good gived is he that is moving in teh name of Ceiling cat: we have gived him all kind of cookies out of his hoze.
27 Celing Cat is teh only Ceiling Cat, which did showed us light: when wes give him cookies, even teh ones wif M&Ms in em.
28 U is my Ceiling Cat, and I will give u mad propz: U is my Ceiling Cat, I will moved u high up on teh scale.
29 O gives teh Ceiling Cat all likes Cheezburgerz; cuz lieks him gewd: for his cooledness goeed on likes 4everz.

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1 Corinthians 15:19-26

19 Which wud maek us pretti pathetek wudnt it.
20 But Jesus rilli did com bak from teh ded. He wuz teh frst wun.
21 Deth comd bcz of a man (thatz Adam k) an now victri ovr deth comz bcz of a man (thatz Jesus k).
22 Evribodi diez bcz of Adam, but now evribodi can be aliev bcz of Jesus.
23 U haz to taek turnz tho. Jesus frst, den dose who bilongz to him. Datz u k.
24 Den teh end wil com, when Ceiling Cat haz destroid evribodi elsiz powr, kingz n evribodi, n Jesus givz him teh wurld.
25 Jesus wil be in charj until he haz beatnd all his enemiz.
26 An teh last enemi to be destroid will be deth.

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John 20:1-18

Teh Empty Plac whar teh ded guise iz

1 Early on teh first day ov teh week, while it was still dark, Marykitteh Magdacatlene goez to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz n see dat teh stone haf been takeded from teh front.
2 So teh lady caem rly fast liek to Simon Petercat n teh otehr disipul, teh one HappyCat luvs, n seded, "Dey haf taked teh Ceiling Cat’s kitty out ov teh plac whar teh ded guise iz, n we dun know whar dey haf putted him!"
3 So Petercat n teh otehr disipul go to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz.
4 Bov were rly fast liek, but teh otehr disipul goez fastr den Petercat n got to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz first.
5 Him bent ovur n see in at teh strips ov linen lying der but dun go in.
6 Den Simon Petercat, who was behind him, got der n goez into teh plac whar teh ded guise iz. Him see teh strips ov linen lying der,
7 as well as teh burial clov dat haf been around Happy Cat’s hed. Teh clov was foldeded up by itself, not wit teh linen.
8 Finally teh otehr disipul, who haf go to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz first, also goez inside. Him see n bleeved.
9(Dey still dun understn from Scaptur dat Happy Cat haf to rise from teh dead.)

Marykitteh Magdacatlene seez Happy Cat
10 Den teh desipuls goez back to der homehs,
11 but Marykitteh stood outside teh plac whar teh ded guise iz crying. As teh lady waz cryin, her bent ovur to look into teh plac whar teh ded guise iz
12 n see two catangels in wiet, seating whar Happy Cat’s husk haf been, one at teh ears n teh otehr at teh paws.
13 Dey ask her, "Why u crying?" "Dey haf taked mai Happy Cat," teh lady seded, "n I dun know whar dey haf putted him." 14 At dis, Marykitteh turned round, but seh dun realize dat it was Happy Cat.
15 "Lady," him seded, "why u howling? Who iz u looking fer?" Finking him was teh garden cat, seh seded, "Sir, if u haf takeded him away, tell meh whar u haf putted him, n I will get him."
16 Happy Cat seded to her, "Marykitteh." Teh lady turned to him n cry out in Catamaic, "Cattoni!" (which meenz smart cat).
17 Happy Cat seded, "Dun paw meh, fer I dun yet coem bak to teh Ceiling Cat. Go instead to mai brother cats n tell dem, 'Ai coem bak to mai First Cat n ur First Cat, to mai Ceiling Cat n ur Ceiling Cat.' "
18 Marykitteh Magdacatlene goez to teh desipuls wif teh noos: "I haf seen teh Ceiling Cat Kitten!" N teh lady told dem dat him haf seded dees things to her.

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Luke 24:1-12
Jesus comz bak

1 Teh ladiez taked sum catnip to Jesus's tomb. Thatz whear he wuz putted when he kinda ded.
2 Teh stone in front of it had bin movded, witch iz weird cuz it iz so big and stuff.
3 but when dey wented in hes bodi wented somewhere else, prolly cuz someone liked it an took it home.
4 Dey wuz kinda confuzed but gud fer dem dese two birdkatz showd up. Dere clothz wuz shini liek lietnin witch iznt gud cuz itz so loud.
5 Teh ladiez wuz all scareded but teh birdkatz wuz liek "Why look for livin kat in teh plaec whaer jus dead katz iz keeped, LOL.
6 He iznt here, he wuz bored so left! He did told u he gunna leaf if get board!!11!
7 He wuz liek 'I iz gonna get found by teh guyz that make me reallies reallies wet, lik under waterz wetz, an put on two big stiks an com bak after 3 dayz cuz 4 daiz to long to sit in cavez.' Yea, wez not sur why hez wantz do al dat etherz, mebee for fun? "
8 Den teh ladiez thinked hard bout stuff he sayed an dey wuz liek "Oh, We forgotted LOL."
9 When dey gotted bak dey telld all dis to sum guyz dat didnt left:
10 Mary Magdalene who wuz lik totally hot on Jesuz whoa, Joanna, Mary who wuz Jezuz's old mom (hiz fadder waz actually Ceiling Kat!), an the ladiez who wuz wif dem tellded teh stori about Jezuz Kat wak up.
11 But teh apoclypsez wuz liek "STFU" an didint beleev dem.
12 Peter at leest wented to teh tomb witch wuz a hold in teh wall. He saw peaces ef yarn dat Jezus Kat did got tangleds up in real bad an he wuz liek "WTF?"