meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, August 29, 2010

Saturday, August 28, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Jeremiah 2:4-13

Psalm 81:1, 10-16
Sirach 10:12-18
Proverbs 25:6-7
Psalm 112
Hebrews 13:1-8, 15-16
Luke 14:1, 7-14

Jeremiah 2:4-13

4 Hay everwun, Ceiling Cat sez dis:
5 Ceiling Cat sez "wai u ignoarz me nao?
6 U not wunderz were Ceiling Cat wentz!
7 Iz bringin u to awsum plaice so u can has cheezburgers. But u maed teh plaice bad an stuff!
8 Even preests not wunder were Ceiling Cat wuz! Everwun lisend to proffets of teh faek Catz!
9 Nao Iz mad at u. An Iz gunna be mad at ur grandkids." Ceiling Cat sez dat.
10 "Nao u goes to teh plaice wif teh funny naem, and u lukz at it, k?
11 Didz neone ever get new Catz? Ur new wunz not rael. An u traedz cheezburgerz foar bukketz!
12 Nao teh Ceiling gunna be mad an stuf." Ceiling Cat sed dat.
13 Mai peepz maed TWO Invisible Errorz! First dey ignoarz me, teh awsum water bowl. Den dey maekz broke litterboxes. (Iz not raelly water bowl. Iz bein all smart an stuff.)

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Psalm 81

1 Sing happai to Celing cat our strongs
and be loud to Celing cat who made hoomanz
2 srsly, strt playinz moozicz, kthx.
3 whne skai is drkest, bloo teh horne tht is kitteh or goats saef
an tehn when is braight we shal have FUDS!
4 And Celing Cat makse shuer u are to do,
cuz is law. srsly.
5 cause Him siad so whne he gowez to store
and hrd hoomanz speek good.
6 no! iz treu! Celing Cat sayez "I took your bazkets and bukkits
and naowz youz are free of bazkets! Unless you aer Bazket kittehz but we can speek of
tht laytrez, kthx"
7 "You kitthez yowlzd at meh, so I came in claoudz and
ranied to maek youz fuzzeh, in baithtubz and shoawerz"
8 "Listinz, kittehz, so i can give wairngz, butchu
gotz to listinz!
9 "Frizt- youz gots tou stop worrshippingz hoomanz.
srsly - qutiz. I doo notz caerz how gudz fudz are. Or catnipz.
10 I am Celing Cat! I gievz you werdz! I takz from
Egyptz! Opan mowth and I stuff it with Cheezburgerz! WAI DOO YOO HAIT MAH!!?!
11 But Noooeeezzz, kittehz ignoerz meh. Kittehz
doo not suumitz.
12 So I saeyz shur, doo yoru thang.
13 If my Kittehz woould only liztne!
If my Kittehz woould follwz meh!
14 I woould subduez enaemize fazt
and tern the pointz and layzurs on teh dawgz.
15 Yoo thaht hait Celing Cat, will caowerz beefare him
and will be in shaowerz for teh evah!
16 but yoo woould be gievnz cheezburger!
with milks frum rock, i wld sassifai yoo. srsly."

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Proverbs 25:6-7

6 Don b actin betur den teh Kings,
an don b finkin yuz speshul.

Proverbs iz al abowt da knowledge

7 Iz betur if he saiz 'yu comz heer
dan if he haz to saiz yu leevz

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Psalm 112
Rychus wills neva b moveded

1 Praise Ceiling Cat! Blessed iz teh kitteh dat fears Ceiling Cat, who taeks heppehs in teh commandments!
2 His kittehs will be pumpeded wif katnip an shall p0wnz0rz da backyard, an the shall be kick ass.
3 Ceiling Cat iz liek rich an stufs, an him iz liek always gude.
4 He turns on teh light cause iz dark; him iz liek rly nice.
5 It iz wail when yoos rubs a humins legs an him scratcha an feeds yu.
6 For dah gude kittehs wills eva be fogottans.
7 Him noes fraid uf bad nuse.
8 His hart iz stedy; him will be no fraid, til he seez teh doggies.
9 Him has gives many cheezburgers to dah houseless kittehs; him shall beez rewardeds.
10 Teh bad kitteh seez teh gude kitteh ina his home an gnashes his teefs an goes away; gude kitteh lievs, bad kitteh gets wet.

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Hebrews 13:1-8, 15-16

Jebus dont be changin

1 Kittehs better act niec to other kittehs an luv eech other an stuf.
2 Giv other kittehs fudz (cheezburgers ar preefured) and plaec to sleep if dey needz it. Sum kittehs has even halp sum birdcats and dey dont knows it! Woa!
3 If other kittehs be in cages at teh pound, treet dem like uz in dere wit dem. If other kittehs has been hurted, treet dem likz its u dat been hurted.
4 If u has a huzbnd or a wifey, dont be havin the CAWK GOES WHERE?! wit other kittehs. Ceiling Cat dont lieks dat, kthx.
5 Dont be greedy kittehs, cuz u gotta be happys wid ur stuf and real content. Srsly, dont wurrie bout gettin ur cheezburgers n stuf. Ceiling Cat sayin, "Be coolz, I gots ur back. I nevr leeve yu! Srsly." So we can meow deez words:
6 Ceilng Cat be dere, he gots my bak,
I isnt skeered.
Whoz or whats can pwn me?!
7 Dont furget da smrt kittehs who teached u da wurds of Ceiling Cat. Dey has gud behavyurs, so dont u furgets dat and u tries real hard to be guds liek dem too.
8 Happycat, he dont be changin. Not yesturdy, 2day, or CATURDAY!
15 Okays den. Kittehs, u keeps praysin da Ceiling Cat, and tells othar kittehs u frindz wit him.
16 Dont furget! U gotta do niec tings fur othar kittehs, and share ur cheezburgers and stufz wit kittehz who have nun. Dis maeks Ceiling Cat real happys.

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Luke 14:1-14

Jebus at a Pharisee's Crib

1 OK so 1 caturday Jebus waz tasting flavorz with a fairsee and peepul waz watchin Jebus close.
2 den diz man with huge paws n feet came to Jebus.
3 Jebus waz liek "hay fairsees I can heal on caturday?"
4 fairsees sed nothing. Jebuz heeled him.
5 Den Jebus waz liek "ok guys srsly. if u had a lolcat dat fell into well on caturday, u wud save dem."
6 but de fairsees was liek afk.
7 Jebus waz lookin at gests an haow dey all chooz good placez. he waz liek
8 "wtf guyz. wen u gets invited, u no sit down in important spotz. maybe someone more important comingz.
9 An den ur host wud be liek 'hey nub move' An u wud be in lowest spot LOL.
10 dat iz y u sit in lowest spot so host iz liek 'd00d come sit up heer. den u can haz honor.
11 4 if u iz makin u self haz gr8ness den u be humbled, but if u iz humble den u can haz gr8ness."
12 den Jebus waz liek "ok guyz, also wen u haz a feest, invitez de poor lolcats stuck in printerz n stuff, not de rich catz.
13 rich catz invitez u bak, but if u invitez de crippled lolcatz
14 u r blessd srsly n I repay u l8r.