meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for August 1, 2010

Sunday, August 01, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for August 1, 2010

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Hosea 11:1-11

Psalm 107:1-9, 43

Ecclesiastes 1:2, 12-14; 2:18-23

Psalm 49:1-12

Colossians 3:1-11

Luke 12:13-21

Hosea 11:1-11

Ceiling Cat luvz Israel

1 Whn Israel waz kitteh ai luved him, outta Egypt him meh boi.

2 Teh mor ai sayz hai teh fartheh dems goes awy dems go sayz yay for Baals.

3 Ai teeched Ephraim walkin, an taekd him in meh armz.

4 Ai Maekd babeh wif luv, Iz him feedeh an heaeleh.

5 Him goes Egypt an Assyria b him king?

6 Srsly dem not sai sry, Ceiling cat gunna taek him cheezburgers.

7 Him peeps scaerd bout goin home, an Ceiling Cat heers crais and sayz "No,"

8 "Srsly Ephraim yu waz good cookie, yu maek meh feal specail insied,

9 Ai not beat Ephraim wif toasteh, cuz Iz Ceiling Cat not yuz pansies!"

10 Dem sayz yay for Ceiling Cat cuz him maek angree Rar!

11 Dem run liek birdies to dem hoemz, sayz Ceiling cat!

Breaking News - Basement Cat launches new cookbook - Tip#1: "Dese lemons will go so well wif your sole - lemon sole or immortal sole"

Psalm 107

1 Sai thanx to Ceilin Cat cuz him luv go on forevah. KTHX CEILING CAT.
2 N Ai is hoping da kittehs he wuz niec to is going to say KTHX CEILING CAT, da kittehs he saevd from the doggiz,
3 doze kittehs in da hole wied world wied web, he pickd dem up bi da scruf uv deir nex.
4 Sum kittehs wuz aut inna wildz wif no hom an no hoomin to gif kitteh food n cheezburgrs.
5 Dey wur rly strving wif no food but rats! but dey was so weak it wuz so hard to kech. And dey wuz thirsty cuz there wuz draot. An no wader for kittehs to drinkorz. N dey ded almost.
6 Den dey sayed "HALP" to Ceiling Cat n asked him "I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRS PLZ" n Ceiling Cat give dem halp.
7 He bring dem to a hom ware dey can live wif nice plaec fr nappin. An dere wuz cheezburgrs and plenty uv wawder and hoomins to give kitteh food lyk kibbles n plus for pettin.
8 So say KTHX to Ceiling Cat bcuz he dus nice stuff fr kittehs an ppl an he also luvvs us alot,
9 he give wawder bole to thirsteh kittehs an fills hungreh kittehs wif cheezburgrs.
10 some kittehs he locked up in DA POUND WIF BARZ ON DEH KAGES and doggiz barkin in da next room!!!
11 bcuz dey waz rly bad kittehs.
12 so he put dem IN DA POUND, dey got lost from comfy homez and nobody waz halp dem.
13 den dey finly axed "CELING CAT! PLZ HALP US! WE IS RLY SRY! N we is wants soem cookiez kthxbai" and Ceiling Cat heard meows and said "kay".
14 So he let dem outta da pound. He broked da barz on da cagez and dey wuz FREE agn.
15 Say KTHNK to Ceiling Cat bcuz he duz nice stuff to ppl an kittehs. An he luvv us for alweyz
16 and Ceiling Cat can brakez down barz uv cagez and kittehz free if he wantz
17 sum moor bad kittehz got st00pid dey wer so bad and dey got hurted bad too, ao!
18 dey stopped lykin cheezburgrs an cookez an kitteh food and dey wz gon to ded soon
19 so axed "Hay Ceiling Cat, halp!"
20 Ceiling Cat change him mind. Dey not ded. Him save dey lifez.
21 Say KTHX CEILING CAT bcuz he duz nice thingz for kittehz and ppl an him is luvvin dem stil, him love no FAIL
22 Nao gif him yur cheezburgrs an sing songz baout him, kthx.
23 I rite srsly long pome. Den dere were kittehs dat goes on shipps in oshin.
24 Dey seed krazy paower Ceiling Cat haz.
25 Lotz and lotz of storm iz in oshin. Srsly scary hurrykanes n tempists. Wave go rly hai. Scary place for kittehz.
26 Dey go up an doan wif wave n see ceiling and bottom of oshin an big wave almos cum ovr n covr dem. An dey wuz not fraidy-catz but den dey wuz big waves no plaice for little kitteh.
27 dey krawled araon lyk catnip even doh dere wuz no catnip. So dey can not has hai sept wen waves bring dem up. Dey go crazy, dey srsly crazy, de oshin messing wif dem. Dey so sick, no can has cheezburgrs or cookies
28 So dem asked "CEILING CAT WE IS SEESIK PLZ HALP US NAO FAILBOAT" an Ceilin Cat say "kay"
29 An Ceiling Cat he make waves go wai.
30 Now dey happie kittehs. Ceiling Cat bring shipp to land an kittehs see famly an cheezburgrs again.
31 Say KTHNX CEILING CAT. Ceiling Cat does nice stuff for kittehz n ppl an his luvv has no FAIL.
32 Ceiling Cat gud covno toppick plz tell grandmaw n grandpaw baot him kthx.
33 Ceiling Cat duz magic he make big wawder all go way an nao its drai here
34 an thers dis place wif cheezeburgrs, nao dey has none. Kittehs there bad.
35 den he make drai place nice wif milk for good an thirsteh kittehs.
36 an place to live wif food an hoomins to mak thingz comfy.
37 dey mad gud cookies there.
38 he gave cheezburgr an dey do the secks an have lots of baby kittenz. I rite rly long poem, lulz.
39 ltr sum kittehs ded an dey were sad;
40 bcuz Ceiling Cat hatez no bulls an makes dey walk roand forevah.
41 but Ceiling Cat is nice to kittehs hoo iz sad.
42 Happy kittehs talk, mean kittehs aer kwieit.
43 if yu smrt kitteh, think baot dis pome. Dat's all I has to sai.

Basement Cat will come for your immortal soul...

Ecclesiastes 1

Everything Iz st00pid

1 Teh werdz ov teh preechur, teh son ov David, King of teh Jerusalem.
2 "St00pid! St00pid!" Sez teh teechurcat. "Srsly st00pid. Everythingz st00pid."
3 Wut man getz 4 laburz he toilz @ undur teh sunz?
4 Generashun comez n generashun goez, still same lolcats.
5 Sun rizez n setz, goez bak n rize agin.
6 Teh wind blowz souf n norf, rownd n rownd, alwayz teh sayme.
7 Seaz can has streemz, nevur fullz. Streemz go bak where comez frum.
8 All tingz has DO NOT WANT, more den werdz sez. Lolrus never sez "enuf bucket, kthnx" or kitteh sez "dats good, enuff cheezburger."
9 Has happen? Gunna be agin. Nuthing new undur teh sunz.
10 Kitteh can not sez "OMFGZ sumthing new!" is jus REPOST!.
11 New kittahz 4gitz old kittahz, new kittahz 4gitd bai even newer kittahz.

Wizdum Iz St00pid
12 I Iz teh teechurcat, king of teh Jerusalem.
13 I has studiez n wizdum ovur all lolcatz, n zomg wut hevy berdun Ceiling Cat putz on kittehz.
14 Teechurcat haz see lolrus n cheezburgerz n longcatz n awl dat is st00pidz, lyke chasing aftur tail. Nevr can catch teh tayle and even whn yu doo it hrtz srsly.
15 Wut iz breakd kittah cannot to be fixez, wut gon cannot iz cowntid.
16 Teechurcat sez to selv, "O hai! I has growd n increes widum moar den awl teechurcatz comez b4 meh. I has ekspeeriens much wizdum n nawledg."
17 Den I appliez self to knowz wizdomz n aslo knowz bout craze and g00f, n lernz dat dis aslo lyke chasing aftur tayl.
18 Srsly moar wizdum iz FTL, k. Moar smartz, moar greefz.

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Psalm 49

1 Heer dis all yu kittehz: lisen up eberybody!
2 bof rich kittehz an poor kittehz da saem:
3 Smart wordz com outta mah mouf; da speakenz ob mah hart will maek uderstandenz.
4 I'z heerz a proverb nao; wiff mah harpz ai tellz yu a riddelz.
5 Y shud ai be ascared wen ebil daiz com, wen da lyen kittehz r all ober meh.
6 Dose kittehs hoo tink deh haz all dat, an r all liek "luk at all mah monehz!"
7 No kitteh can gib anoffer kitteh deir lief bak, or gib Ceiling Cat monehz 4 it-
8 da monehz neaded 2 bai a life is liek, alot, an no monehz is eber enoff-
9 dat him shud lib foreber an no get old an yuky lukin.
10 cuz eberybody gotsta get ded. Da smart kittehz, and da dum kittehs get ded an leeb deir monehz 2 oder kittehz.
11 Deir tooms will b deir howses foreber, dey will lib dere foreber eben doe dey naemded stuffs after dem.
12 Da kitteh still gets ded eben doe him gotz monehz, jus liek da crawlies.
13 Dis wat happenz 2 kittehs hoo doos deir own fing an dose dat folloes dem.
14 liek da shepes dey is gonna get ded and deff will nom on dem. Da gud kittehs will rool ober dem in da mornens; dey will get yucky in deir grabes, far away from da pretteh howses.
15 But Ceiling cat will get mah life bak from da grabe; him will bwing meh to hang owt wiff him.
16 Du nawt tink is kewl wen a kitteh gets da monehz an him howse gets biggr.
17 cuz him can't hab it wen he get ded. It nawt go wiff him.
18 doe he wuz liek 'I'z reeleh kewl' an da kittehs wuz liek 'yay! U doinz gud!'
19 him still get ded like him daddeh cats hoo don lib nomoar.
20 Dum kitteh hoo gots da monehz is lieks da crawlies dad get ded.

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Colossians 3:1-11

1 Youse dun nappin wit Ceiling Cat, lookey up, atta boy catz nexta right mittenz of Ceiling Cat.
2 Luvin ceilin, nadda stuffz onna Urths.
3 Youse ded, An urine da Sky Catz namd Ceiling Cats.
4 Win Sky Catz, yupper, himz cummin, den youse meow wit him so happy, srsly.
5 RAWR atta udder catz onna urth; PENIS GOES WHERE?, ikky furs, leg humpin, badbad wanta urths stuffs, anna yer stuffs, dats Billy Idol, like STFU d00dz:
6 Fur stuffz Ceiling Cats maddr den hell atta bad kittys, srsly:
7 Dats U der Iz yammern bout, youse crashed atta der plaze, meow.
8 Youse dun now; RAWR, hiss-hiss, scratchy, WTF, yammerin litterboxz mouth.
9 Donna lye, lookey lazy old peeps;
10 Anna newbie, him no stuffz bout lookin lik Ceiling Cats:
11 Were der no Geeks or Juice, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, leash nor free: but Sky Catz is all, An in all.

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Luke 12:13-21

Storey Bowt Rich n00b

13 Den soembodee sez "Boss Cat, tell mai bruvver him spose to share teh heritens wit me!"
14 Jebus saiz "Woah d00d, dats not mai job!"
15 Den him sez, "Doan caer so much bowt stuf, cuz lief iz moar den stuf."
16 Den him sez "Wuns up on a tiem, a rich d00d had zillions of cookiz.
17 An him wuz all, 'WTF?! Wher I put all mai cookiz?'
18 Den him say, 'I no! I sel all mai litel cooki jars and get bigr cooki jars on ebay!
19 An den I will sez "WOOHOO d00dz! PARTAY! w00t!"'
20 But Ceiling Cat sez, 'LOL n00b! U git deded toniet, den who gitz all ur cookiz?'
21 Dis wut happnz to n00bz who keep all teh cookiz an not giv anee to Ceiling Cat."