LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, August 16, 2009

Sunday, August 16, 2009

1 Kings 2.10–12; 3.3–14
Psalm 111
Proverbs 9.1–6
Psalm 34.9–14
Ephesians 5.15–20
John 6.51–58

1 Kings 2.10–12; 3.3–14

10 WTF INCEST? "So David slept with his fathers" WTF? (datz KJV own werds, funny riet?), and tooka srsly incestuous dirtnap inna Davidz littrboxz.
11 And teh daiz taht David wuz king uv Itzreal? wuz 14600 daiz (datz 40 yrs, riet or 350400 hors or 21024000 minootz or 1261440000 sekunz): seben yrs himz in Hebron, and dirty-tree yars himz in Jouslum. Dont nose da minootz orda sekunz.
12 Den Solomon shat onna teh littrboxz uv David hiz dadacatz; an gotz fresh littr inniz littrboxz. Dat niez smellz.

Solomon Cat Watches Judge Judy Justice While Dispensing Liquid Wisdom
3 Soz Solomon showd hiz hrd peniz to teh Lard Cat an walkd wit himz styff tayl inna air liek judge judy sed himz shud liek himz dadacatz David did, ceptin himz awferd ta biet heds orffa chiknz an ta birnded insensez on toppa hilz N sutch.
4 King cat gon to Gibeon to awferd sackafiecin anna chiknz hed bietin orf, fer taht wuz mostest portint toppa hilz N sutch plaze, an Solomon cat awferd a towsand birnded chikn hedz onna altar.
5 At Gibeon teh Lard Cat wuz in Solomon catz hed (Solomon cat wuz delusional cat on LDS liek all uv demz hip gaiz bak den), an Ceiling Cat sed, "WTF YOUSE WANT FRUM ME?"
6 Solomon cat, himz dreamin on LDS, sed, "Youse bin niez to mah bootlikn dadacatz, David, cuz him showz youse himz peniz an walkd wit himz styff tayl inna air. Youbin gud sum mor an gibbin himz niez boy kittn to sitz onna himz toilet seat liek today. Srsly.
7 "Meow, Ow Lard Cat mah Ceiling Cat, Ai iz der bootlikn king cat inna plaze uv dadacatz David. Butt Ai iz justa widdle kittn an donna nose howta dance laik da big cat dancez.
8 Yer bootlikr iz here in da middL uv teh catz youse piked out fer yerselfz, wez riel niez catz too, an derz way too mani uv uz cats fer da cowntin.
9 Soz gimme a break liek to meh, da bootlikr, an lettuz see riet stuffz to duz instedda rong stuffs to duz. Tellmez, sidez meh, whoz gunna be yer main cat d00d dat kin duz da stuffz dat youse needz doin? WTF, Srsly?"
10 An Lard Cat wuz smilin taht Solomon cat yammrd fur diz stuffz so nawt shellfishly.
11 Soz Ceiling Cat sez, "Cuz youse wantd dis stuffz anna nawt vampire livin orda joolz anna guld N krapy W^L*M^RT stuffz fur youse own, anna youse nawt askded fer meh 2 killz yer dumazz enimaz but watchd episodz uv judge judy,
12 Aiz gunna duz watchoo askz fer. Ai gibz youse brainiac sizd brain inna hed anna niez blud tikker, soz taht der nawt evva gunna be da niez gaiz liek youse, srsly evva. Ai meanz itz, srsly.
13 Anna nuddr ting, Ai gunna gibz you all da W^L*M^RT stuffz anna joolz ta boot soz youse gunna be teh Catz uv da Walk type king uv catz wit a reeeeeel big styff tayl anna reeeeel niez peniz laik no uddr catz haz.
14 An iffn youse walkd wit youse styff tayl inna air an watchez judge judy liek youse dadacatz David, Ai gibs you da loooooong vampire livin fo freebee. Naw watcher meowin bout dat?"

Psalm 111 1 Praize teh Ceiling Cat! iz gunna say gud stuff abowt Ceiling Cat in da police stashun and teh mayors office. 2 Ceiling Cat haz made some really awsum stuffs, peepls cumz frum all ovah just to gawk at dem. 3 Everyting He duz is awsum, and He's good forevah. 4 You can't ferget all his awsumness, Ceiling Cat always shares his cookies. 5 He gives cheezburgerz to peeps who respekt him, he keeps his dealz. 6 Everybodee can see just how l33t he is, he fourcloses a guys houze and gives it to his peepz. 7 He always goes around doin good,and his rulez r00l. 8 Even the r00lin rulez are make in a r00lin style. 9 He bailed out his peepz, he keeps his promises forevah. 10 Gettin smart starts wit respekt fer Ceiling Cat, followin his r00lz makes u smart. Props to him forevah!

Proverbs 9.1–6

1 Wisdom has builded her hawse; she cutted seven pillurs but dey is not soft kind.
2 She has maked teh cheezburgers an Gatorade; she putted tehm on teh table.
3 She has sended lotta chix0rz to delivr msgs, an den she stands wai up on top of teh hawse an callz.
4 "O hai. n00bz com in heer. Srsly!" she sai to peepelss who is not so smrt.
5 "Eat dis cheezburger an drikn dis Gatorades I maded.
6 Stop bein' dum and u can has lief; walk wif unnerstandin'.

Proverbs iz al abowt da knowledge

Psalm 34 1 I r always talkins of Ceiling Cat I r always say good tings. 2 My soul r brag 'bout Ceiling Cat Let teh poor kittehs hear n be happies. 3 Lets rave 'bout Ceiling Cat lets prase his kewl name togedder. 4 I meowed for Ceiling Cat an he answred me He r save me from teh scary tings. 5 Teh kittehs dat trust him is happy cats Dey nevar hav shameful face. 6 Dis poor kitteh called HALP! An Ceiling Cat heerded him, He savded teh poor kitteh. 7 Teh Wingcat of teh Ceiling Cat is neer teh kittehs dat is respektful of him, an halps dem. 8 Taste n u will see, dis Ceiling Cat has a flavr. Cheezburgrs for teh kitteh dat seeks him. 9 Repekt teh Ceiling Cat, u good kittehs Cuz respektful kittehs get all de good tings. 10 Teh big cats is gettinz weak n hungries But kittehs who findz Ceiling Cat can has cheezburgrs. 11 Come to me, babby kittehs I r goins teech u to respekt Ceiling Cat 12 U kittehs dat luv life an r wants to haz 9 lives 13 Say no evil - mak shur cat have ur tongue! An never tell lies n stuff. 14 Point ur tail at evil and do lotsa good tings look for peece n chase it liek a maus. 15 Ceiling Cat is watchin teh good kittehs An his ears is listenins for dere cries. 16 Ceiling Cat not look at kittehs dat do evil tings He r delete dem from teh memory of teh urfs. 17 Teh good kittehs meow, and Ceiling Cat heers dem. He are savins dem from teh sad tings. 18 Ceiling Cat r cuddlin teh kittehs whose harts is broked An he r rescuins kittehs wit crushded spirits. 19 A good kitteh may havs lotsa trubbles but Ceiling Cat r goin to halp him. 20 Ceiling Cat r garding call teh kitteh's bonez Te kitteh r not have breakded bonez. 21 Evil r goinz to kill teh bad kittehs Teh enemiez of all good kittehs r goins to be uthanized. 22 Ceiling Cat freez his kitteh d00ds; No kitteh dat trusts in him is goinz to be doomd.

Ephesians 5.15–20

15 So don be stoopid.
16 Time coems u cud do gud, u bettr do gud an not ebil liek teh stinkeh kittehs.
17 An don be silli. Fink bout wut teh Loard wantz.
18 Dun roll in teh catnipz, wot maeks u act stoopid an getz u in trubbles. U shud let Hovr Cat mark u wid hiz scent.
19 Dun maek secksy talk, srsly! Iz moar bettr u sing all teh tiem bout how awsum Ceiling Cat iz, liek dis: "Awsum Awsum iz teh Loard!"
20 An sai thx to ur Daddy in de Ceiling for evreh think, an thx to Jebus, liek dis: "kthx, kthx, no whup ass plz, kthx!"

John 6.51–58

51 I iz teh cookiez from teh ceiling; dose dat eat dis cooki haz even more din 9lives. N teh cookiez I givz iz mai flesh for teh litez of teh wrld.
52 Teh jooz hissed at eech other n sed, "How kin dis kitteh givz us hiz flesh to eatz?!? WTF?"
53 Jebus sed to dem, "Kittehs! Dis is wut u needz to do! U must eatz my flesh n drinkz mai bloodz or u haz less din 9lives, you haz no lives!
54 Dose dat eat mai flesh n drinkz mai bloodz haz even mor din 9lives, n I wud raiz him in teh end.
55 Mai flesh iz true cookiez n mai bloodz iz true cream.
56 Dose dat eat mai flesh n drinkz mai bloodz staiz wit meh n meh wit him.
57 Just as teh Ceiling Cat sint meh n I haz lifz becuz of ceiling cat, so duz dose hoo feedz on meh wud haz lifz becuz of meh.
58 Dis is teh cookiez dat comz down from teh ceiling. Not like momcat and tomcat hoo eatz n dize, dose hoo eatz dis cooki livz forever.

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