LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for All Saints Sunday (the Twenty-fifth Sunday after Pentecost)

Twenty-fifth Sunday after Pentecost

Micah 3:5-12
Psalm 43 (Ps. 43:3)
1 Thessalonians 2:9-13
Matthew 23:1-12
Semicontinuous series
Joshua 3:7-17
Psalm 107:1-7, 33-37 (Ps. 107:8)
1 Thessalonians 2:9-13
Matthew 23:1-12

All Saints Sunday

Revelation 7:9–17
Psalm 34:1–10, 22 (Ps. 34:9)
1 John 3:1–3
Matthew 5:1–12

Micah 3: 5-12

5 Ceiling Cat sez ur profitz is laim, n00bz, dey am callin shizzle cheezburgrz R U DUM?
6 Ur profitz no can has vishuns frm Ceiling Cat no moar, n u am laik ‘am sunshiny tomozzle, or rainin?’ BUT NO CAN HAS WETHER 4CAST, N00BZ!
7 N ur profitz will b laik ‘sux 2 b us.’
8 But Ceiling Cat hav maid me 1337, so I cn lai it out 4 u, n I c all ur sin cooties.
9 So I tells u srsly u am betta pai attenshun!
10 All ur base am maid of fail, n u am maid of fail 2.
11 Cuz Ceiling Cat has gives u meellions of pressies, laik ur wiggy judgz bein wize, n ur profits havin vishuns, bt u am nt appreeshyatin teh skillz, u am pimpin teh skillz, n u still tinks Ceiling Cat am ur BFF.
12 Ceiling Cat am nt ur BFF, n He am gonna lay teh smack down, Chuck Norris-style, n all cuz ur laim.”

Psalm 43

1 Don't taz me, Ceiling Cat!
and tellz them bad peeps I didunt do it,
saves me from teh bad man!

2 Youz all powerful and stuff.
Why u no liek me?
Why I gotta be all sad,
and let teh man keep me down?

3 Do that "Lets therr be lites" thing again.
So I can see, dood
So I can get to teh Ceiling
Where da party at.

4 Then I goes to hole in ceiling
and gives you cheezburger.
I say how cul u is, I plays a little guitar
O Ceiling Cat, my Ceiling Cat.

5 Why I so mad?
Why I all actin' a foo an stuff?
Srsly, just worship teh Ceiling Cat,
and preys him,
and he saves u, dude.

1 Thessalonians 2: 9-13

9 And we worked hard, you not 'member?
10 You did seez, and so did Ceiling Cat.
11 We did treat youz like kittehs,
12 so should be living like Ceiling Cat.
13 We luvz that you luvz Ceiling Cat, and luvz lolbible!

Matthew 23: 1-12

A warnin against hypocrisy

1 den jebus sed 2 teh crowdz an 2 his disciplez:
2 "teh teachers ov teh law an teh fariseez sit in mosez seat.
3 so u must be careful 2 do evrythin they tell u. But do not do wut they do,
4 they do not practice wut they preach. 4 they tie up heavy, cumbersome loadz an put them on othr peeps shoulders, but they themselvez r not willin 2 lift fingr 2 moov them.
5 "evrythin they do iz dun 4 peeps 2 c: they mak their fylacteriez [a] wide an teh tasels on their garments long;
6 they luv teh place ov honor at banquets an teh most important seats in da synagoguez;
7 they luv 2 be greetd wif respect in da marketplacez an 2 has peeps call them rabbi.
8 "but u r not 2 be calld rabbi, 4 u has only wan mastah an u r all brothers.
9 an do not call anyone on earth fathr, 4 u has wan fathr, an he iz in heaven.
10 nor r u 2 be calld teachr, 4 u has wan teachr, teh mesiah.
11 teh greatest among u will be ur servant.
12 4 dose hoo exalt themselvez will be humbld, an dose hoo humble themselvez will be exaltd.

Joshua 3: 7-17

7 Ceiling Cat sayed Good job Joshua Now u can has cheezburger! An teh Israelites no ur my bff jus like Moses. K now tel teh preeztguyz to bring mah Holi Bocks into teh watr jus a lil. one step den stop! no moar.
9 Joshua sayed cmon d00dz do wut Ceiling Cat sayed. Den we can has cheezburgerz!
10 An him can pwn teh Canaanites An all teh bad guyz. SO bonus.
11 Srsly. jus folo teh Bocks.
12 K now pik twelv guyz frum eech groop.
13 Teh rivr ish gonna go awai wen teh preeztguyz wit teh Bocks tuch it i promiz. OK well maybe jus on one side but datz wherz ull be so ur fine. Brite side U can look at teh fishies in teh big wall of watr!
14 So preeztguyz did wut dey wur suppozd to and so did evrybodie.
15 But OH NOES the Jordan Rivr had a lot of watr! Dat time of yeer u no. But preeztguyz stepd in jus a lil neways An
16 teh watr it stoppd comin sumwhere by dis place Adam by Zarethan sumwhere round therz. So it all stayd therz An teh rest flushd to the Ded See. Den it was drie and we caem to teh new base Jericho w00t!

Psalm 107

1 Sai thanx to Ceilin Cat cuz him luv go on forevah. KTHX CEILING CAT.
2 N Ai is hoping da kittehs he wuz niec to is going to say KTHX CEILING CAT, da kittehs he saevd from the doggiz,
3 doze kittehs in da hole wied world wied web, he pickd dem up bi da scruf uv deir nex.
4 Sum kittehs wuz aut inna wildz wif no hom an no hoomin to gif kitteh food n cheezburgrs.
5 Dey wur rly strving wif no food but rats! but dey was so weak it wuz so hard to kech. And dey wuz thirsty cuz there wuz draot. An no wader for kittehs to drinkorz. N dey ded almost.
6 Den dey sayed "HALP" to Ceiling Cat n asked him "I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGRS PLZ" n Ceiling Cat give dem halp.
7 He bring dem to a hom ware dey can live wif nice plaec fr nappin. An dere wuz cheezburgrs and plenty uv wawder and hoomins to give kitteh food lyk kibbles n plus for pettin.
8 So say KTHX to Ceiling Cat bcuz he dus nice stuff fr kittehs an ppl an he also luvvs us alot,
9 he give wawder bole to thirsteh kittehs an fills hungreh kittehs wif cheezburgrs.
10 some kittehs he locked up in DA POUND WIF BARZ ON DEH KAGES and doggiz barkin in da next room!!!
11 bcuz dey waz rly bad kittehs.
12 so he put dem IN DA POUND, dey got lost from comfy homez and nobody waz halp dem.
13 den dey finly axed "CELING CAT! PLZ HALP US! WE IS RLY SRY! N we is wants soem cookiez kthxbai" and Ceiling Cat heard meows and said "kay".
14 So he let dem outta da pound. He broked da barz on da cagez and dey wuz FREE agn.
15 Say KTHNK to Ceiling Cat bcuz he duz nice stuff to ppl an kittehs. An he luvv us for alweyz
16 and Ceiling Cat can brakez down barz uv cagez and kittehz free if he wantz
17 sum moor bad kittehz got st00pid dey wer so bad and dey got hurted bad too, ao!
18 dey stopped lykin cheezburgrs an cookez an kitteh food and dey wz gon to ded soon
19 so axed "Hay Ceiling Cat, halp!"
20 Ceiling Cat change him mind. Dey not ded. Him save dey lifez.
21 Say KTHX CEILING CAT bcuz he duz nice thingz for kittehz and ppl an him is luvvin dem stil, him love no FAIL
22 Nao gif him yur cheezburgrs an sing songz baout him, kthx.
23 I rite srsly long pome. Den dere were kittehs dat goes on shipps in oshin.
24 Dey seed krazy paower Ceiling Cat haz.
25 Lotz and lotz of storm iz in oshin. Srsly scary hurrykanes n tempists. Wave go rly hai. Scary place for kittehz.
26 Dey go up an doan wif wave n see ceiling and bottom of oshin an big wave almos cum ovr n covr dem. An dey wuz not fraidy-catz but den dey wuz big waves no plaice for little kitteh.
27 dey krawled araon lyk catnip even doh dere wuz no catnip. So dey can not has hai sept wen waves bring dem up. Dey go crazy, dey srsly crazy, de oshin messing wif dem. Dey so sick, no can has cheezburgrs or cookies
28 So dem asked "CEILING CAT WE IS SEESIK PLZ HALP US NAO FAILBOAT" an Ceilin Cat say "kay"
29 An Ceiling Cat he make waves go wai.
30 Now dey happie kittehs. Ceiling Cat bring shipp to land an kittehs see famly an cheezburgrs again.
31 Say KTHNX CEILING CAT. Ceiling Cat does nice stuff for kittehz n ppl an his luvv has no FAIL.
32 Ceiling Cat gud covno toppick plz tell grandmaw n grandpaw baot him kthx.
33 Ceiling Cat duz magic he make big wawder all go way an nao its drai here
34 an thers dis place wif cheezeburgrs, nao dey has none. Kittehs there bad.
35 den he make drai place nice wif milk for good an thirsteh kittehs.
36 an place to live wif food an hoomins to mak thingz comfy.
37 dey mad gud cookies there.
38 he gave cheezburgr an dey do the secks an have lots of baby kittenz. I rite rly long poem, lulz.
39 ltr sum kittehs ded an dey were sad;
40 bcuz Ceiling Cat hatez no bulls an makes dey walk roand forevah.
41 but Ceiling Cat is nice to kittehs hoo iz sad.
42 Happy kittehs talk, mean kittehs aer kwieit.
43 if yu smrt kitteh, think baot dis pome. Dat's all I has to sai.
17 Preeztguyz waitd for evrybodie to maek it acroz.

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Revelation 7: 9-17

9 After dis, ai was laik, "O Hai, bazillion pplz!" Standin' befoar teh frone, an befoar teh Lamb, all white kittehs, wlv palms in their paws, and they had a flavor;
10 Pplz was shoutin "keep dat Ceiling Cat sittin' upon teh frone, an unto teh Lamb".
11 All teh ayngelz nappin' round teh frone, an about teh elderz and teh 4 beasts, an falled befoar teh frone on dere faces - it hurty but not too bad. Dey worshipin Ceiling Cat.
12 Sayed, Ramen: "cheezburgrs, an powr an all good stuffs. You can has Ceiling Cat 24 7 forevers, plz?. kthxbye."
13 One of teh elderz kittehs is laik, "What white kittehs? Were dey at?"
14 So I's sayed, dun u know lol. He was like, "Dese workin hard, an have licked themselfs clean, maid them white in teh icky Lamb blood. It tasted bad!"
15 U see, dey'z befoar teh frone of Ceiling Cat, dey bring him catnip an treats in his catbox: an he dat get petted on teh couch is allowed to lie on couch forever and not get teh sqwirt gun.
16 Dun be hungwy and firsty no moar; noar shall teh sun be warm on dey bellies.
17 For teh Lamb, which in teh midst of teh frone, shall refill teh food bowl, an shall lead them unto teh awe-toe-matic water fountains: an Ceiling Cat promises to wipe gunk from all ur eyes.

Psalm 34

1 I r always talkins of Ceiling Cat
I r always say good tings.

2 My soul r brag 'bout Ceiling Cat
Let teh poor kittehs hear n be happies.

3 Lets rave 'bout Ceiling Cat
lets prase his kewl name togedder.

4 I meowed for Ceiling Cat an he answred me
He r save me from teh scary tings.

5 Teh kittehs dat trust him is happy cats
Dey nevar hav shameful face.

6 Dis poor kitteh called HALP! An Ceiling Cat heerded him,
He savded teh poor kitteh.

7 Teh Wingcat of teh Ceiling Cat is neer teh kittehs dat is respektful of him,
an halps dem.

8 Taste n u will see, dis Ceiling Cat has a flavr.
Cheezburgrs for teh kitteh dat seeks him.

9 Repekt teh Ceiling Cat, u good kittehs
Cuz respektful kittehs get all de good tings.

10 Teh big cats is gettinz weak n hungries
But kittehs who findz Ceiling Cat can has cheezburgrs.

11 Come to me, babby kittehs
I r goins teech u to respekt Ceiling Cat

12 U kittehs dat luv life
an r wants to haz 9 lives

13 Say no evil - mak shur cat have ur tongue!
An never tell lies n stuff.

14 Point ur tail at evil and do lotsa good tings
look for peece n chase it liek a maus.

15 Ceiling Cat is watchin teh good kittehs
An his ears is listenins for dere cries.

16 Ceiling Cat not look at kittehs dat do evil tings
He r delete dem from teh memory of teh urfs.

17 Teh good kittehs meow, and Ceiling Cat heers dem.
He are savins dem from teh sad tings.

18 Ceiling Cat r cuddlin teh kittehs whose harts is broked
An he r rescuins kittehs wit crushded spirits.

19 A good kitteh may havs lotsa trubbles
but Ceiling Cat r goin to halp him.

20 Ceiling Cat r garding call teh kitteh's bonez
Te kitteh r not have breakded bonez.

21 Evil r goinz to kill teh bad kittehs
Teh enemiez of all good kittehs r goins to be uthanized.

22 Ceiling Cat freez his kitteh d00ds;
No kitteh dat trusts in him is goinz to be doomd.

1 John 3: 1-3

1 Hoewz grait iz teh luv teh Father haz lavizhd on uz, dat we is be called childz ov Ceiling Cat! And dat is wut we r! Teh reazonz teh wurldz does not be knowingz us iz dat it is be not know him.
2 Der fwiendz, now we iz be childrenz of Ceiling Cat, and wut we will be haz not being maded known. But we iz b knowing dat wen he apyrz, we shal be like him, coz we shall seez him as he is be being.
3 Evry1 hu is be haz dis hope in him purifyz himzself, juzt az he is being purez n stuff.

Matthew 5: 1-12

teh catitudes

1 Wen he seez lotz kittehz, he climbz tree. His BFz climbz tree too.
2 He sez hai and he teaches teh kittehs, he sez:
3 Cheezburgrz 4 teh n00b kittehs, theys can has teh Ceiling.
4 Cheezburgrz 4 teh sad kittehs, theys can has petting.
5 Cheezburgrz 4 teh m33k kittehs, theys can has teh urfs.
6 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs who sez "I can has gud, plz?", theys can has it.
7 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat no pwns, Ceiling Cat no pwnz0rz thems.
8 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs wiff purr in hartz, theys can sees Ceiling Cat.
9 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat sez shhhhh!, Ceiling Cat is liek "u mai kittehs."
10 Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat gets pwned by otehrs fur haz gud, theys can has teh Ceiling too.
11 Cheezburgrz if otehrs be liek "DO NOT WANT" 2 u, an liez abt u, coz of meh.
12 B teh happys n party, coz u can has cookiez n cakez in Ceiling. Iz liek wen theys been liek "DO NOT WANT" to all teh holee kittehs b4.

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