Friday, July 23, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, July 25, 2010

 Sunday, July 25, 2010

Hosea 1:2-10
Psalm 85     
Genesis 18:20-32
Psalm 138     
Colossians 2:6-15, (16-19)     
Luke 11:1-13


Hosea 1:2-10

2 Teh begininz ov dis wurd (bi cieling cat). He sedz sumtihn liek, Go getz a whyfe ov whoredumz an spawnz sum litle whoredumz babiez: fur teh land cummitz big whoredumz. Endz ov tranzmishun.
3 So he goez an get hotz chik namez Gomer an dey hadz HRBLE GOEZ WHERE?? wifoutz fun leik buttsecks or bluwjobz cuz taht stil wuznt inventedz yet. Dey spawnedz onez son.
4 Ceiling Cat goez speackz to Hosea ugainz an sez namez y00r ugliez sun Jezreel so i canz avenge sum blud uponz teh howse ov Jehu an stopz all teh kingdumz stuvfz in Isrealz.
5 An itz gunna pass daht day, daht i willz breakz sum bowz ov isreal an stuvfz, in teh valley ov y00r ugly sonz, Jezreel.
6 Tehn daht hot chikz spawnedz moor, poppinz outz a grlie. An Ceiling Cat gitz awl bossiez uhgainz an sez to namez it Loruhamah, cuz Ceiling Cat will no longr have pitteh nr luv 4 teh houze ov Israel or 4give themz.
7 But Ceiling Cat sez he gunna havez mersiez on Judah cuz dey dont masturbait an havz himz fur onlee gawdz. an Ceiling Cat iz gunna save tehm.
8 Wen she hadded weand Lo-ruhamah, she gotz preggerz an spawnez a son.
9 Ceiling Cat wantz ta namez mo0r kittehs so Ceiling Cat sez namez it Lo-ammi becuz ur teh n00bz n' i am notz st00pidz. Youz broke teh Mosaic Covenant, n00bs!
10 Cieling Cat alzo sez daht teh numbrz ov Jew childrnz wilz be m3ga maniez liek graenz ov sandz on beech an daht Jew childz are hiz ppl becuz he not st00pidz.

Basement cat is not amused by your attempt at a Schrodinger

Psalm 85
Singy Tiem fo tha Sunz Uv Korah

1 Ceiling Cat, yur realeh kewl. Srsly. Yu maek no moar slaev kittehs.
2 Yu maek all uv invisible errors betta an stuff.
3 Yu no maek angwy tiem no moars. Dats kewl, Iz no lieks dat stuffs.
4 Plz dun be mad no moars.
5 Ceiling Cat be mad at us tiems infinity? NOES!!1! Evn our littlest kitteh sunz?
6 Mehbey yu maek it all betta, an we maek funneh sownds at yu?
7 Haev merceh on us!!1!
8 Iz be good listender. Ceiling Cat talkz peece an stuffs an blah blah 2 his fello kittehs. Dey dun need 2 be bad kittehs after dat.
9 We be fraid uv Ceiling cat. Sow we gets gud stuffs! His awesum stuff culd maek dis place bettr.
10 Merceh and troofs be wif each uthur. Gud stuffs and peece maek out.
11 Troofs will pounce frum Urfs; gud stuffs come frum ceiling.
12 Ceiling Cat giveded us teh gud stuffs, an we maek it gud on Urfs.
13 Gud stuffs maek us liek Ceiling Cat.

Itteh bitteh basement cat  training committeh

Genesis 18:20-32
Abraham Askx Ceiling Cat tu Be Naice tu Sodom

16 An teh three men wur liek "kthxbai" and Abraham went wif dem
17 Ceiling Cat sed "shud I tel Abraham wut I is gon do,
18 Cuz he iz cool, and he iz will be graet nayshun, and all nayshuns ar gonna can has cheezburger cuz of him?
19 Cuz I choes him so he an his kittehs cud say liek 'Ceiling Cat ar cool, srsly'"
20 So Ceiling Cat sed "Sodom an Gomorrah sux, liek, srsly"
21 "I is gonna can has chek it out an see"
22 So teh men went tu Sodom, but Ceiling Cat wuz stil wif Abraham, k?
23 Abraham wuz liek "omg, u srsly gonna kill teh gud peepul wif teh bad peepul!?"
24 "Wut if thers fifteh gud peepul? U stil gonna pwn it?"
25 "WEAK"
26 So Ceiling Cat waz liek "k if iz fifteh peepul i wont pwn it"
27 An Abraham waz liek "omg, i sux, but
28 wut if has fortee fy-uv good peepul?" an Ceiling Cat sed "i will not has pwn if has forteh-fiev"
29 An Abraham was liek "wut bout forteh?" an Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has forteh"
30 An Abraham sed "k, dont b mad or shred meh, but wut if has thurteh?" an Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has thurteh"
31 An Abraham sed "OMG, but wut if has twunteh?" and Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has twunteh"
32 An Abraham sed "k, dont b mad, thsi is last tiem I prawmiss, but wut if has ten?" and Ceiling Cat sed "i wont if has ten. srsly"
33 An tehy wur both liek "kthxbai"

The battle for your soul  passes to the next generation

Psalm 138

1 O hai! Ceiling Cat, hai lotz an lotz; hai evn afront of othr Ceiling d00dz
2 I iz all abowt rollin ovah in front of yur howse an sayn ur naem cuz yu are sweet an yur naem iz kewl!
3 When I sed yur naem, yu can haz anser; Iz can not haz scaredz
4 Yu should haz othr d00dz say yur naem. srsly, Ceiling Cat, cuz them hearded yu purringz
5 Othr d00dz shud singz abowt yur stuffz; cuz yu are kewl!
6 Ceiling Cat iz real hie up and him lookz at short peepel; but him noes them d00dz that not haz cheezburger evn wen them iz liek a millyun mielz away
7 I can haz lotz of troubel, but yu cleen my littah boxz, yu giev teh fingah to d00dz dat no liek me, and yur riet paw is teh kewlest
8 Ceiling Cat will alwaez cleen my littah boxz; Ceiling Cat, yur kewlness will last long tiem. Srsly. Plz dont forget to cleen mah littah boxz an giv me cheezburger an stuff.


Your soul is mine...  Basement cat does not do pink!

Colossians 2:6-15, (16-19)

6 An yuz sniffnz Ceiling Cat da d00d, inniz littrboxz:
7 Snuggld himz, sniffnz himz, bin teached, happy cats.
8 Watchit an lookey out good lookin catz, fur da peeps, fur da cowz, nawt Ceiling Cat.
9 Fur crashpadz anna lazy fat uv da Sky Catz.
10 Anna youze dun, big d00dz, srsly:
11 Youze circumcised da circumcision wit no paws, nawt poopin onna littrboxz orda foreskin of da circumcisized Sky Catz:
12 Dugn burried, youze no Ceiling Cats, make himma zombie feller.
13 Youze, no Invisible Errorz annan uncircumcision of your penis tipz, him fast, sez Yo! yer ok nowz, meow.
14 Youze ok, I dinna no, I stold it, srsly stuk it to littrboxz wit nailz;
15 An bummd da d00dz, dere dey iz, meows wit glee.
16 No peeps be judge judy bouts kibble, ora milk, no dissn stuffz, or moonz, whateva:
17 Dat stuffz gunna be; lookey Sky Catz, srsly.
18 No peepz gunna fool yuz, lyahz anna tards, sup youze stuffy d00dz,
19 Iz gotz splittn headake, Iz hungover anna sor, anna dum, anna seein Ceiling Cats.

Ceiling cat  must remember not to lean so far out...

Luke 11:1-13 
Jebus teeched bowt prair

1 It wus a lil bit tiem goen bai when Jebus wus tawkin to da Ceiling Cat in him prayerz, wun of him folwerz askeded him: teachez us all to prai, like taht John de Bapdiss d00d teaches him follwerz.
2 Jebus sed to dem: you prayz, sai: Praise Ceiling Cat, who be watchin yu, may him has a cheezburger.
3 Giv us dis day our dalee cheezburger.
4 And furgiv us for makin yu a cookie, but eateding it. An leed us not into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter.
5 So he sez 2 dem: if u haz fren an u visitz him in teh middle of teh nite and sez 2 him: d00d, i needz sum cookiez
6 cuz i haz a fren cumming ovr an i don't haz any cookiez to giv him.
7 An teh frist kitteh sez: Iz sleeping, teh kittnz r sleeping, evrbdi iz sleeping, go wai! NO COOKIEZ 4 U!!11!!
8 But fren kitteh keepz scratchn n teh dr and frist kitteh givez fren kitteh teh cookiez 2 make him go wai.
9 So Iz tell u dis srsly - u wan sumting? u ask. u l00k 4 sumting, u gonna find it. Scratch n teh dr and it openz 4 u - srsly.
10 Kittehz ask an getz, kittehz lookz an findz, kittehz scratch n teh dr, it openz. SRSLY.
11 Lissen up kittnz: u wantz cookiez 4m ur urths kitteh daddee, duz ur urths kitteh daddee giv u dog f00d? or ifn u wantz tuna, nastee stuffz?
12 Or ifn u wantz cheezbrgr, duz ur urths kitteh daddee giv u pewpiez?
13 Srsly - ifn u can givz gud stuffz 2 ur kittnz an u iz jus urths kittehz, donchu tihnk taht Ceiling Cat - himz ur Ceiling Kitteh Daddee - givz u evn bettr cheezbrgrs??




Weekend Cat Events
Get ready now cuz the wild weekend is coming!
Board the Friday Ark at The Modulator (submit your post here)
Weekend Cat Blogging
(see the week’s& host to enter your WCB post in the comments for the weekend roundup)
Ree-purrted by KC

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