Saturday, April 11, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday
Acts 10.34–43† or Isaiah 25.6–9
Psalm 118.[1–2] 14–24
1 Corinthians 15.1–11 or Acts 10.34–43†
John 20.1–18 or Mark 16.1–8





Acts 10
CATNELIUS IZ LIEK "I CAN HAZ PETER?"

1 At Cezarea der wuz a d00d naemd Catnelius n he wuz da "big cat" in da Regimans.
2 He n hiz famileh luvd Ceiling Cat n talkd 2 him daileh n gave cookiez to kittehs who wuz liek "I has be in need."
3 One dai durin kitteh litter time he sees sum craezy-azz vishuns.
4 Catnelius wuz liek "oh shaet LOL"
5 Teh anjul sed "Ur praers n cookiez has be a memorial offerin 2 da Ceiling Cat.
6 Now send sum peeps 2 git Simon (most catz call em Peter, idk y).
7 Ya git hiz azz ova hear."
8 Wen teh anjul lef Catnelius got 2 d00ds n a Gawd-freain soulja. H gaev em teh dirt on Ceiling Cat n send em 2 Joppa.

TEH TRIPPEH VIJUNS OF PETER
9 Teh nex dai Peter wuz talkn 2 Ceiling Cat on teh roof.
10 Den he sez "I has hunger n I want sumtin 2 eatz."
11 He saw a big sheet like peepz hav on deir bedz.
12 It has animulz on its wit teh 4 feetz.
13 Den a voice (Ceiling Catz I think) sez 2 Pete, "Git up, Peter. Can has cheezburger."
14 Peter sez, "uh-uh, Loard, I dont eatz teh unclaen."
15 Den God wuz piszed n hes liek, "Do not call teh cheezburger unclaen dat I has made claen."
16 Repeat step 13-15 three tiemz.
17 While Petey wuz wunderin bout teh vishunz, sum d00ds is stopped at teh gaet.
18 "Haysup," dey sez, "Were iz Simon (most catz call em Peter but idk why)?"
19 Whiel Pete wuz still thinkin, Ceiling Cat sez "Hay, 3 d00ds r lookin 4 u.
20 Git yo azz up n go downstaers."
21 Peter went downstaers n sed "Wut do u want."
22 Dey sez, "We has come from Catnelius da "big cat" from teh Regimans. He iz teh right-ness God-freain d00d. Da Ceilin Cat made uz come get u."
23 Den Pete invite dem 2 hiz litterbox, thx!

Psalm 118.[1–2] 14–24

1 Givz all sortz of madz propz to lieks teh ceiling cat cause he's liek good and such; hiz awesomeness goes on for liek everz.
2 Letz izarail sez "Him luf goes on for liek everz."
3 Let teh family of liek Aaron liek sez "Him luf go on liek forever."
4 Letz those dat fearz teh Ceiling Cat sez "Doods him luf and niceness goez on for liek everz"
5 I was liek in some liek major badness and liek I called for Ceiling Cat: He liek said "Hai I'm hear what u want?", I waz all liek " needed some helpz plz", and den Ceiling Cat cames toed me and liek gives me something. It was a bigly biger big field wif some liek flowerz and suf, Me and Him waz hapi now.
6 Ceiling Cat is liek on me side; I will not be fraid: What could a Grue do to me long as liek Ceiling Cat and his luf is with me.
7 Ceiling Cat taked me parts wif dem that wif me: saying liek dat they willn't have his luf dat I want.
8 It iz liek gooder to liek putz ur selfs faithz in liek ceiling cat tehn to putz ur trustz en likes non ceiling catz ppl.
9 It iz liek gooder to liek put all uf ur trustz in Ceiling Cat than to liek put them in liek royal ppl.
10 All of teh othre ppl liek came aroundz me: but in teh name Celing Cat I wil maked dem luf him.
11 Tey were all liek around me; I mean realy around me, they were around me: but in teh name of Celing Cat I wil maked dem luf him.
12 Tey surronded me liek flowers round a cat in a goodest painting: tey were runed away liek tey food of teh fat house cat: fur in teh name of Ceiling Cat I will maked dem luf him.
13 You haved trust bad at me dat I maybed fall: but Ceiling Cat helped me.
14 Celing Cat is my luf and my music ting, and is liek going to be my happy song luf after I is not live.
15 Teh voice of happyness giving and goodness is in teh places of teh place of teh Ceiling Cat: teh right paw of Ceiling doseth really awesome tings.
16 Teh right paw of Ceiling Cat is taked high: teh right paw of Celing Cat doseth really awesome tings.
17 I will not no live, but live, and sez to all teh good tings of Ceiling Cat.
18 Ceiling Cat has liek learned me good: but he no give me no life.
19 Open teh gate of Celing Cat: I wilf goes into tem, and I shall say how good Ceiling Cat is.
20 Teh gate of Ceiling Cat, so teh goodly good may come in.
21 I will sez how good u is: caus liek u did hearded me, and liek I get good tings liek flowers from u.
22 Teh Celing that teh Grues no want is become teh ceiling of teh building.
23 This is Ceiling Cat's stuf that he is diding; it are awesomly awsome in all of ur eyes.
24 This is teh day which Ceiling Cat did maked; we will do happy dances and be realy glad while we did it.
25 Not now, I ask u, O Ceing Cat; O Ceiling Cat, I ask u, sended me some goodness and maked sure that it's emailed.
26 Good gived is he that is moving in teh name of Ceiling cat: we have gived him all kind of cookies out of his hoze.
27 Celing Cat is teh only Ceiling Cat, which did showed us light: when wes give him cookies, even teh ones wif M&Ms in em.
28 U is my Ceiling Cat, and I will give u mad propz: U is my Ceiling Cat, I will moved u high up on teh scale.
29 O gives teh Ceiling Cat all likes Cheezburgerz; cuz lieks him gewd: for his cooledness goeed on likes 4everz.

GOT U A EASTER EGG BUT I EATED IT

1 Corinthians 15.1–11
Jesus died for u n den he comed bak

1 OK, remembr what I told u befor about Jesus, itz importnt.
2 If u follo what I tolded u, u wil be saevd. Othrwaiz itz no use.
3 Dis iz teh moast importnt thing: Jesus died becz of our Invisible Errors (liek it wuz fortolded in teh Bible),
4 he wuz burieded an caem bak to lief on teh thrd dai (liek it wuz fortolded in teh Bible).
5 Peter seed him an so did his twelv followrz.
6 An after dat fiev hundrid peeplz seed him. Sum iz evn stil aliev.
7 Jamez seed him too,
8 an I wuz last, liek teh redhedded stepchield LOL.
9 I iz teh leest importnt of Jesuss followrz. I duzint evn dizurv to be wun, bcz I wuz meen to Ceiling Cat's church.
10 But Ceiling Cat wuz niec to me. I iz what I iz. I wrkd rilli hard, hardr dan ennibodi, but rilli all teh credit goez to Ceiling Cat.
11 So no mattr who sez it, dis iz what we tellz evribodi, and dis iz what u beleevded.



John 20.1–18
Teh Empty Plac whar teh ded guise iz

1 Early on teh first day ov teh week, while it was still dark, Marykitteh Magdacatlene goez to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz n see dat teh stone haf been takeded from teh front.
2 So teh lady caem rly fast liek to Simon Petercat n teh otehr disipul, teh one Ceiling Cat’s son luvs, n seded, "Dey haf taked teh Ceiling Cat’s son out ov teh plac whar teh ded guise iz, n we dun know whar dey haf putted him!"
3 So Petercat n teh otehr disipul go to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz.
4 Bov were rly fast liek, but teh otehr disipul goez fastr den Petercat n got to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz first.
5 Him bent ovur n see in at teh strips ov linen lying der but dun go in.
6 Den Simon Petercat, who was behind him, got der n goez into teh plac whar teh ded guise iz. Him see teh strips ov linen lying der,
7 as well as teh burial clov dat haf been around Ceiling Cat’s sons’ hed. Teh clov was foldeded up by itself, not wit teh linen.
8 Finally teh otehr disipul, who haf go to teh plac whar teh ded guise iz first, also goez inside. Him see n bleeved.
9(Dey still dun understn from Scaptur dat Ceiling Cat’s son haf to rise from teh dead.)
Ceiling Cat’s son Appears to Marykitteh Magdacatlene
10 Den teh desipuls goez back to der homehs,
11 but Marykitteh stood outside teh plac whar teh ded guise iz crying. As teh lady waz cryin, her bent ovur to look into teh plac whar teh ded guise iz
12 n see two catangels in wite, seating whar Ceiling Cat’s son's body haf been, one at teh hed n teh otehr at teh foot.
13 Dey ask her, "Why u crying?" "Dey haf taked mai Ceiling Cat’s son away," teh lady seded, "n I dun know whar dey haf putted him."
14 At dis, teh lady turned round n see Ceiling Cat’s son stning der, but teh lady dun realize dat it was Ceiling Cat’s son.
15 "Lady," him seded, "why u crying? Who iz u looking fer?" Finking him was teh gardener, teh lady seded, "Sir, if u haf takeded him away, tell meh whar u haf putted him, n I will get him."
16 Ceiling Cat’s son seded to her, "Marykitteh." Teh lady turned to him n cry out in Catamaic, "Cattoni!" (which meens Teacher).
17 Ceiling Cat’s son seded, "Dun hold on to meh, fer I dun yet coem bak to teh Ceiling Cat. Go instead to mai brotehrs n tell dem, 'Ai coem bak to mai Ceiling Cat n ur Ceiling Cat, to mai Ceiling Cat n ur Ceiling Cat.' "
18 Marykitteh Magdacatlene goez to teh desipuls wif teh noos: "I haf seen teh Ceiling Cat’s son!" N teh lady told dem dat him haf seded dees things to her. Ceiling Cat’s son Appears to Him Desipuls.

Mark 16.1–8
OMFG WARE TEH Happy Cat GO?!?!11!

1 K so tehn on Mondy Mary Magdaln an Mary hoo wuz Jamses mom taekd sum spisez to rub on teh Happy Cat husk soes it dont stank.
2 An dey getz to teh cavez rly erly in teh mornan, liek sunries.
3 An dey wuz wundrin hoo wuz gunna maekded teh srsly big rokk door opind.
4 An dey lookded an seen teh door alredy opind.
5 And wen dey goed in teh caev dey seen a d00d thar in wite robes, an dey got skeert.
6 Teh d00d sez 'O HAI THAR, don be skeert. U comed heer lookin fer teh Happy Cat u lef heer, rite? He camed bak frum teh deds an aint heer no moar.
7 Now GTFO an txt Hiz d00dz an Pete an tell em dat dey can haz meetz wit teh Happy Cat in Galalee liek He sed befoer He wuz ded. kthxbi'
8 An teh chikz GTFO rly kwik cuz dey was srsly skeert, an dey dint tawk teh hole way homed.

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