meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sunday, September 27, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22 or
Numbers 11:4-6, 10-16, 24-29
Psalm 124 or Psalm 19:7-14
James 5:13-20
Mark 9:38-50

Esther 7:1-6, 9-10; 9:20-22

1 so king n haman n esther b havin tasty foodz.
2 tasty foodz wuz gud so king ask esther "wot u want dis time?"
3 esther sez "i can haz life n mi ppl can haz life?4 cuz mi ppl haz been solded into nonlivng n dat not gud. not mind beeng solded
4 work, but not living v bad."
5 so king askz "hoo wud mayke u ded?
6 n esther sez "lol haman" n haman wuz scarded

9 n one gai sez 2 king "luk at v big rope swing haman builded 4 mordecai" n king sez "lol neck swing 4 haman insted"
10 n wen haman wuz swinging from big rpe swing, king b happy agin.

20 And Mordecai wroted dese things, and sent lolmail unto all teh Jewcatsz dat were in all teh placez of teh lolking Ahasuerus, both close and not close.
21 To set up this between dem, dat they shuld keep teh fourteenf day blahblahblah, and teh fifteenf day blahblahblah teh same evry year.
22 As teh dayz wherein teh Jewcatz napped from teh bad doodz, and teh month which was turned unto dem from sad cat to teh happy cat, and from sad day into a awsum day: dat they should make dem dayz of doin tings like eatin and trying to share but eating it first and w/e but we say dat already.

Numbers 11:4-6, 10-16, 24-29

4 The peepul was laik "We can has cheezburger?"
5 "There was being much cheezburger in teh Egypt!"
6 "Now we has no cheezburger. Only is manna!"

10 Moses was hearing teh families sayin "Does not want!" at their doors. Ceiling Cat was laik "RAWR" and Moses was laik "Oh noes!".
11 Moses was laik "Ceiling Cat, why u is mean to me? Wut has i dun?"
12 "Is they mai peepul? Is i their doctor?"
13 "Where is cheezburger? They is saying 'We can have cheezburger?' to me"
14 "They is too heavy for me."
15 "If u is makin me do this, i wants die."
16 Ceiling Cat is laik "Bring me ur elders"

24 Moses told teh peepul wut Ceiling Cat sed. He fetchted seventy clever kittehs nd they standed in teh tent.
25 Then Ceiling Cat wuz flyin on his fluffy cloud, down to teh tent. He taked his fur nd put it on teh kittehs and they wuz knowin wut didn't happen yet!
26 But two kittehs called Eldad and Medad (theys not reely my daddy) stayed in teh camp place. They were clever kittehs but they didn't go to teh tents. But they gots Ceiling Cat's fur az well and they know wut didn't happen yet too!!
27 A baby kitteh sed to Moses "Eldad and Medad are sayin teh futurs in teh camp!"
28 Joshie, Nun's baby, hu wuz Moses' friend, wuz laik "U must b stoppin them!"
29 But Moses sed "RU jellus for me? I want all teh peepul to have Ceiling Cat's fur and be speekin teh futurs!"

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Psalm 124

1
Ceiling Cat beez on our side

2 Cuz if he nots and badcats attak us.

3 Dey wuld haf angr and dey wuld eated all our cookiez. Srsy.

4 Teh flood wuld haf eated us!

5 Teh waturz wuld haf takeded us awayz. Oh noes!

6 Yay Ceiling Cat! j00 dun let us get eateded by deh teef!

7 We escapded lik a littl burd and gotten away wit deh cheezburgers!

8 Tank j00 Ceiling Cat. j00 roxorz!

Psalm 19

1 ok guyz so liek dat hole in ceiling makez me worship Ceiling Cat.

2 evry nite he iz liek come into hoal n watch me masturbate n stuffz.

3 He nevar talkz or makez noize

4 but I no he watchez n mebbe vidyo tapez. Hole in ceiling == Ceiling Cat'z home.

5 In moarning he iz liek "4 shayme" but lukz happy n e wai.

6 No lolcatz hied from hiz watchingz.

7 OK so wat Ceiling Cat sez goez. He iz alwais rite.

8 liek srsly alwaiz. u lissen u be happyz and den it can be hugz time.

9 Ceiling Cat alwaiz fair n stuffz. liek alwaiz bow 2 him.

10 Srsly! moar want Ceiling Cat commandzmentz than cookiez or cheezburgerz!

11 Dey makez me smartcat n I getz prezentz foar obaying liek at crissmus!

12 we all haz invizible errorz but Ceiling Cat fixez dem withowt voiding warranty. plz be mah geeksquad, Ceiling Cat!

13 n dun let meh bez evul on porpoise. den I beez purrrfect.

14 OK srsly Celing Cat! Plz luv me n givez meh cheezburgerz. kkthxbai

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James 5:13-20
Teh Prayr of teh Faeth

13 Ne1 has problums? Prey 2 teh Ceiling Cat. Iz yu happy? Den yu shud sing!
14 Yu has teh sick? Maek other ppls prey lots. Oilz wuld be gud 2.
15 Teh prayr of teh peepuls maek sick ppl better; Ceiling Cat will fiks all them. They maek invisibul errer? Ceiling Cat will maek it better.
16 So tell teh otehrs wen yu do somthing bad, nd maek shur evry1 preys so yu get better. Teh prayr of a good kitteh wurks lots!
17 Elikhat wuz jus liek us. He prey that it not raen, and no raen for long tiem.
18 Then he prayd moar, nd teh ceiling raended, nd teh plants growed.
19 Felluw kittehs, if sum1 not lisn 2 teh Ceiling Cat, nd then yer friend tells him to lisn so he does,
20 dun forget: If yu fiks a bad cat then yu saves his lifes nd maek urs better 2.

Mark 9:38-50
Happy Cat taeks Hiz d00dz 2 teh Meowntins

1 K den he sez, 'Dis wat im sayin to u, sum u kittens gonna b aliev wen Ceiling Cat taeks ovr teh Urfs.'
2 An 6 dayz latr he taeked Petar, Jamse, n Jon up 2 teh meowntins all by demselfs n He transformed LOL.
3 An His shirt ternded teh witest wite n teh Urf, srsly brite.
4 An den Elias and Mosis showded up n dey wuz txtin wit Happy Cat.
5 An den Petar sez, 'Mastr, we shud maek 3 tabrnclz (liek a tiny cherch LOL), 1 fer u n 1 fer Elias n 1 fer Mosis.'
6 He dint no wut els ta say cuz he wuz srsly skeert.
7 An den dis clowd shoded up n teh voyce of Ceiling Cat sez, 'Let me show u mai fav kitten. Mai fav kitten, let me show u him. U lissin to his meows, kthxbi'.
8 An den dey all lookin rownd but evrywon wuz gone but teh Happy Cat.
9 An den dey comeded down frum teh meowntins and Happy Cat sez 'Dont tell nobodi wut happnd hear til I comed back frum teh dedz, k?'
10 Den dey wuz all liek 'WTF he meenz comed back from teh dedz' cuz nrmaly wen u dedz u dont comed back so dey was teh confuse.
11 An den dey axd Happy Cat 'How comed teh kittens dat rite all teh stufs down sez Elais can haz comed back frst?'
12 An Happy Cat sez 'Srsly guise, Elais gotta comed back frst cuz he gotta fix sum shit, den teh script sez teh Kitten of Ceiling Cat can haz suffering.
13 But itz ok cuz he comed back jus now n you d00dz doned good, LOL.'
Happy Cat pwns teh Demanz
14 An den wen Happy Cat got back to hiz kittens