Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Haiku Bones: Sleep

This is my first submission to Haiku Bones. I welcome gentle suggestions. I continue to get conflicting advice about punctuation. I felt I needed it here. I also am not convinced that "powder" is the word I want. Thank you for visiting and reading.
Read more amazing haiku at Haiku Bones.
diigo it
_/\_/\_

8 comments:

  1. I never could write haiku, so my advice may not be very good. I also think that the comma is appropriate. I think that the word "powder" suggests the image you are conveying.

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  2. Perhaps 'dust'? That keeps the first line to 5 syllables.
    Otherwise fine - and punctuation has got to be your call. English is such a dynamic language.

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  3. Nice.

    I mess around with words over and over and over, trying to find just the right one. And then I sometimes end up changing it back. Haiku is a VERY difficult form, but you've done a nice one.

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  4. Nice job! i was thinking snow would be good, cept that you use it in the last line. i couldn't help myself from messing with this a little, hope you don't mind.

    warm dusting of snow
    weightless flakes drift through the air
    as the sap rises

    hope to see round haiku bones again soon!

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  5. thank you, rdl. I wish I had written that! It's more like what I was trying to convey!

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  6. This is a twist, Andree. Snow is usually cold. The snow I remember best was in a parking lot on Elm Steet (main street) in Manchester. It came down softly and was almost warm.
    ..
    I use a dash sometimes. A haiku is supposed to be a one sentence poem about nature, the last line or five +/- syllables are like a little kicker to the other twelve.
    A senryū is about personal matters instead of nature. That all is for the purists.
    So they tell me. In reality it all gets rather loose I think.
    ..

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  7. Wikipedia has a fairly thorough dicussion. They would have the haiku relate to the seasonal aspect of nature.
    Googling 'haiku' provides some interesting reading for a bit too.

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  8. Love it, and I remember a haiku you did a long time ago that really impressed me.

    Sometimes I go back and change words, even after the haiga is posted!

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