meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, October 18, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Job 38:1-7, (34-41) or
Isaiah 53:4-12
Psalm 104:1-9, 24, 35c or
Psalm 91:9-16
Hebrews 5:1-10
Mark 10:35-45

Job 38:1-7, (34-41)
Ceiling Cat startz tokking an wont shuddup

1 And teh Ceiling Cat sez in teh windz:
2 "OMG, WTF iz u sayinz? u iz a noob!
3 "U getz reddy becuz naow I asks u sum kweschuns.
4 "Wehre iz u wen I maded teh earths, ifs u iz so smart?
5 "Who sayed, 'Hay, iz gonna be tihs big.'
6 "Whut iz unner teh earths? Who maded teh grouns?
7 "when teh stars and stuffs were all liek 'Hay'?

34 "Does u sez, 'Hay clowdz, u rayns naow, k?'
35 "Does u maek teh lightnins comes, so taht tehy sez, 'Oh hai'?
36 "Who maeks teh ppl knoe teh stuffs?
37 "Who sez, 'Hay tehres thiz minny clowdz' or maeks teh rayns come sum moar
38 "when teh dusts iz liek 'OMG tehres liek tunz uf us lol'?
39 "Does u sez to teh liunz 'u can haz cheezburgr naow kthxbai'
40 "when tehy iz liek 'we can haz cheezburgr naow plz?'
41 "Who iz liek 'Hay burdies u can haz cheezburgr too' becuz tehy wantz teh cheezburgr?"

Isaiah 53:4-12

4 But he taekd all the scry stuff n de stuff dat makes kittehs sad n he carried it arnd. We wuz still stoopid n thot that Ceiling Cat punishd dis kitteh, pokd him wif a newspapr n put him in da backyard at nite.
5 He wuz pwnd cuz we doez bad stuff, he wuz hurtd cuz we taek cheezburgr n not ask first. Teh pwnage dat maed us all bettr wuz on dis kitteh n cuz he take it we’z okay now. Srsly.
6 We haz gone liek da sheep n go awy cuz r wai iz bettr den da wai uv Ceiling Cat; but cuz o dis Ceiling Cat haz put da bad stuff on dis kitteh. rly.
7 Dis kitteh had lotza bad stuff happen, but he not say nuthin’. Dis kitteh keep hiz mouf shut. He wuz liek doze sheep dat don’t say nuthin wen they’z bout to be sheard. Dis kitteh keep hiz mouf shut. Srsly.
8 Cuz uv sad n meanness, dis kitteh goed awai. N wut to say bout hiz childrenz? He doesn’t got ani cuz dey told him ta go awai bfore he haz more kittehs. He no had childrenz cuz other kittehs suckz.
9 He had ta stay wit da bad kittehs. Da kind dat no liek Ceiling Cat n think he suckz n da kind dat taek all the cookies n not share. Suckz, cuz dis kitteh wuz gud n rly liekd Ceiling Cat n uder kittehs. He didnt lie, neither.
10 But it wuz Ceiling Cat woo hit dis kitteh wif da newspaper, n tho Ceiling Cat put dis kitteh out in da backyard, he will be nice soon n give many childrenz n let kitteh back inside. Dis kitteh will do da will of Ceiling Cat n it will be great, kthx.
11 Aftr kitteh gets ovr pwnage, then he will b happi cuz all da uder kittehs r happi too. Cuz dis kitteh taekz bad stuff n maeks it gud.
12 Cuz dis kitteh had to deal wif all dis B-S, Ceiling Cat sais he getz all da cheezburgs he wantz. Srsly. N thn he can givez them to his friendz. But only friendz woo love Ceiling Cat and Ceiling Cat’s buddi.

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Psalm 104

1 Hai Ceiling Cat, I praizes u! U iz so kool, u wearz koolnez!
2 He is all wrapppd up in prety lites, and rollz out teh Ceiling liek tentses
3 and he gots a penthause up there. Ooo! He ridez in ur clowds, and surfz in ur windz.
4 Teh windz even talkz 4 him, n teh firez doez what he sez, srsly!
5 Ceiling Cat made teh Urth on teh fl0r, and u karnt mez it up.
6 Teh watr wuz all ova it, rite up 2 teh mntns.
7 U screemd and teh watr wuz gon; u just yelld n ther it went -
8 the mnts went up, n teh vallys went dwn - in teh plais u wantd.
9 Yew dun mess kz? R-Lce yew gun go outsidez, k?
10 Him maek da big cheezbrgr flow tru da Urth.
11 De guna geeb yew phude, ya.
12 Dem berdiez gun geeb yew da harblz.
13 Ceiling Cat geeb da Urth da gud meelk, den hee sleepz leik slaxxor.
14 He made graz for awl teh m00c0ws, and erbs for man so that he may get the munchies.
15 He made likker to get peepul tyred 4 teyh can has cat nap, oyil to maek greesy ph00d fer speshul hang-ovahs, and bred.
16 Him mek sum trees grew in sum hole in teh Midul Eest
17 Burd make nests 4 yung ph00dlingz , storks liv in fur trees.
18 upgrayded ram satz on hillz ses, "oh hai, Celing Cat made tis 4 muh u can go now."
19 The moon trakz sezinz, and the sun kn0ez when him taek nap.
20 Ceiling Cat teh awlmitee maeks it nite, and moocows and udder stufz comes out of the forest.
21 yung liyins com owt and seek Ceiling Cat's cheezburger but Ceiling Cat has tuh ses, "wtf i luk liek i not walrus u dont steel frm muh, gtfo ur goin Basement, k? thnxbai."
22 Wen sun c0me up tey go to crib for litul wilez.
23 sunz 0f adum work awl day and rest teh bownz al nitez.
24 Ceiling Cat has butt lowdz of cheezburger and cookie but He dont giv to teh pepul dey maek invizbul error
25 In the oshinz dere fishiz but sumtimz fish slip way so u get no ph00dz, but u can praize Ceiling Cat
26 Leviathans eated ships and efurt, but not Ceiling Cat's yawt were he be tokin with the lyunz at nite.
27 teh ppl say, "Ceiling Cat, are hungry." Ceiling Cat ses, "Oh oh butt u do aks of wurship then ph00dz, k? bai."
28 He fez tey by hand
29 He luks away then pops a cap in tey sinful self.
30 He comes to teh tiny urf, makes fudz, and it lives
31 Ceiling Cat lives 4evah, so don't think you can dis Him and get off
32 Him peekz lookz at the 'urf' and she trembles, he touches the 'hills' and tey smok.
33 You gotta rap the good rap about Ceiling Cat, or else he's gunna curze wiminz agin.
34 "Mi meditashun of Him be sweet: I will b glad in the Ceiling Cat teh almitee."
35 Dun be dumb, geeve Ceiling Cat ur soulz, will gib cheezbrger

Psalm 91

1 U dat iz in seekrit box wif Ceiling Cat iz under All-Pwnzer
2 Sez uv Ceiling Cat, iz mah under-cowch an bukkit, an i gots trust in him
3 Iz gonna saev U frum teh spyderwebz an frum teh vakuum cleenr.
4 Him iz can cuvr U wif fethrs an under hiz wings U iz safe (Ceiling Cat iz burd?) Hiz truth is can be ur bukkit.
5 U iz not skeerd uv big skaries in nite, r the bad kittehs in the day
6 Or teh dogz in teh drkness, r of bafftiem.
7 1000 can haz fall dwn, 10000 goz bum, but not u! Srsly.
8 U just see teh bad kittehs getz pwnd, k?
9 C u maded Ceiling Cat ur howz (hez mah bukkit, hez so kewl);
10 No bad stuffz can pwn you lol, no herpiz up in ur houz 4 real.
11 He iz making hiz angels watch ovr u wif mad skillz, dey keepz u safe evrywhere (even on teh toilet!)
12 Dere pawz iz holding u up so u don getz owiez.
13 U can stomp teh lions and teh lolruses, teh baby lionses and teh vakuum cleenrs u can squish dem wid ur paw.
14 C, he setted hiz luv on me teh Ceiling Cat, so il save him kthx. He can haz top of shelf cuz he noes mai naym.
15 Wen he sez "Hay r u dere?" il be liek "Oh, Hai!". In teh bad tiems il be dere, il save him an giv cookies.
16 He can haz nine long liefs an c wen i saveded him kthxbai.

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Hebrews 5:1-10

1 Every high priest iz selectd frum among doodz an iz appointd 2 represent them in matters relatd 2 ceilin cat, 2 offr gifts an sacrificez 4 sins.
2 He iz able 2 deal gently wif dose hoo r ignorant an r goin astray, since he him iz subject 2 weaknes.
3 This iz y he has 2 offr sacrificez 4 his own sins, as well as 4 da sins ov teh peeps.
4 No wan takez dis honor upon him; he must be calld by ceilin cat, jus as aaron wuz.
5 So christ also did not taek upon him teh glory ov becomin high priest. But ceilin cat sed 2 him, "u r mah son; Todai i has become ur fathr.[a]"[b]
6 And he sez in anothr place, "u r priest forevr, In da ordr ov melchizedek."[c]
7 Durin teh dais ov jebus life on earth, he offerd up prayers an petishuns wif loud criez an tears 2 teh wan hoo cud save him frum death, an he wuz herd cuz ov his reverent submishun.
8 Although he wuz son, he lernd obedience frum wut he sufferd
9 And, once made perfik, he became teh source ov eternal salvashun 4 all hoo obey him
10 And wuz designatd by ceilin cat 2 be high priest in da ordr ov melchizedek.

Mark 10:35-45
Happy Cat an sonz of Zebedee

35 Jakob an John, sonz uv Zebedee, caem to Happy Cat an said: "o hai, teechur, we can has a favr pleez?"
36 "So what u want i does?" Happy Cat aksed.
37 "in the ceiling wif cheezburgers, we can sits next tu u, pleez pleez dear Happy Cat? Wun on da rite an teh ofer on da left?"
38 An Happy Cat sed: "u dunnoes what u asks, srsly. uz can be abel drinkin teh cup ai drinks? uz can be abel gettin teh water apawn ur forehed ai gets?"
39 "us is able, yes" dey anserd. An den Happy Cat said: "k, u wil has drink from teh cup ai drinks an wil get teh saem water apawn ur foreheds i gets.
40 but, srsly, ai dont deside who sits on teh rite an left uv teh sofa. seats are for teh kittehs dey r meaned for."
41 Wehn de ofer ten hears dis, dey get awl angery at Jakob an John, liek, who u thinkz u iz, OMG!!!1!
42 But Happy Cat callz dem an sez: "u knowes kittehs rule hoomanz an keepz hoomanz unda dems pouwer, an kittehs get chhezburgers an stuff, k?
43 But dat is NOT how it iz wit u, k? If one uv u wantz to be grate, teh hooominz serves him,
44 an if one uv u wantz to be teh gratest, he be served by teh hoominz. Liek srsly.
45 coz I caem not to serv, but to be served, liek srsly, an i gief mai lief awey for evury kitteh."