meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, October 11, 2009

Monday, October 12, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Job 23:1-9, 16-17 or
Amos 5:6-7, 10-15
Psalm 22:1-15 or
Psalm 90:12-17
Hebrews 4:12-16
Mark 10:17-31

Job 23:1-9, 16-17

1 Den teh Job sed:
2 2daii I iz emo.
3 if i new wer he wuz i couldz go 2 hiz houze.
4 an' i would be liek "I SRRY."
5 an' he wouldz sayed stuffz an' Iz would lissen.
6 He wouldn't b super-madz at mez.
7 der a gud dood would not b punnishedz.
8 but iz can't findz himz oh noes!!1
9 wen he iz up at teh north poll I'z dun see himz. not at teh south poll eider.

16 teh Ceiling Cat makez me scareded.
17 but i'z not teh quiet pplz.

Amos 5:6-7, 10-15

6 Be Ceiling Cat's frend, or else he's berns moar.
7 Anywon who has a flavor of wurmwud or is a jerk,

10 Good Ceiling Cat is good.
11 If Ceiling Cat is mad, dough, you will has nothings.
12 Ceiling Cat has always watched you masturbate.
13 Prudent cats are prudent, while Sinful cats are sinful.
14 Ceiling Cat has frends with Prudent Cat.
15 Ceiling Cat has frends with Good Cat.
16 Ceiling Cat sed: evrywon has crying soon.

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Psalm 22

1 omg y u haz left me? I iz cryin it is no can haz be hugs time now?
2 I callz u all dai, u no talk. I callz all nite, I no can haz sleepz.
3 u is on teh thrones, gettin praised by teh Israel.
4 u is be gettin trusted by teh ancesters. u is savin themz.
5 they was be callin u and ezcapin from dangerz. dey was be trustin u.
6 I is no longer bein cat. now iz just worms. nobody wants it to haz be hugs time now.
7 everyone seez me iz liek "lolcat" and shakez headz.
8 dey iz liek "u luv teh cieling cat, he no saves u. lolcat, he no liek u."
9 u made me born safe. u luv me when I haz waz bein cute kitten in bowl.
10 I luvz u alwayz, u alwayz iz watchin me masticate.
11 Dun go! No one else will halp. srsly.
12 OK so there iz buckits all around.
13 dey is haz me! oh no!
14 me is wax cat. wax cat is wax and haz no strengths.
15 throat iz liek dry. my tongue is in my mouth, stickin.
16 dere is invisible bikes round meh. dey runs over meh.
17 mah enemeez iz liek "we can see ur bonez"
18 dey iz liek "I get hiz clothez!"
19 Ceiling Cat! keep wachings!
20 dun let invisible bike hit me!
21 HLEP LOL!
22 I tells othur cats bout yoo Ceiling Cat. I masticates fur u.
23 Everyone masticates fer Ceiling Cat!
24 He watch alls masticates!
25 I masticates in front of everyones fer u Ceiling Cat! U watch! I gives you cheezburgers!
26 Teh poor can haz cheezburgers too! All dey is wantings!
27 Ceiling Cat pickshur never get deleted! He watch everyone fur evar!
28 Ceiling Cat rules teh ceilings.
29 All proud cats masticates fer him. All mortuhls masticates fer him.
30 He watches all cats in futoor masticates.
31 Even cats not born be told "Ceiling Cat is watching you masticate."

Psalm 90
A Preyer Uv Moses Cat, Kitteh Of Cieling Cat

1 Cieling Cat haz ben ar kitteh box for al kittehs befor.
2 Befor teh tal sofaz wer broughtd inz or or teh hous waz bilded, evenz from wakey timz to sleepzy tiemz, uz arez Cieling Cat.
3 Yu pwnz teh pplz to n00b an sez, come bak you kittehs of menz.
4 For a 1000 yrs for Cieling Cat iz like just yesterdaiz only an a watch kitteh in teh darks.
5 You carryz teh n00bs lik teh watur bol; tehy iz asleep: in teh morning tehy r like grass wich growz an eatedz by sik cat.
6 In teh morning it growz a tonz an tunz; tehn in teh nite a lahn mower cuts it down an it iz dead.
7 We ar beeng eated by ur hissin, an bai ur wraf we ar trubld.
8 Yoo put hour herballz befoer yu, our hiddn puek in teh prtty liet uv ur faec.
9 Fur al hour daiz r maed daed in ur wraf. We spen our yrs az a tael taht iz tolld.

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Hebrews 4:12-16

12 For teh word ov ceilin cat iz livin an activ. Sharpr than any double-edgd sword, it penetratez even 2 dividin soul an spirit, joints an marrow; it judgez teh thoughts an attitudez ov teh hart.
13 Nothin in all creashun iz hidden frum ceilin cats sight. Evrythin iz uncoverd an laid bare before teh eyez ov him 2 whom we must giv akownt.

Jesus is teh great high priest!
14 Therefore, since we has great high priest hoo has gone thru teh heavens,[e] Jesus teh son ov ceilin cat, let us hold firmly 2 teh faith we profes.
15 for we do not has high priest hoo iz unable 2 sympathize wif r weaknesez, but we has wan hoo has been temptd in evry wai, jus as we r - yet wuz without sin!
16 Let us den approach teh throne ov grace wif confidence, so dat we cud receiv mercy an find grace 2 halp us in r tiem ov need!

Mark 10:17-31
Teh 'Fancy Feast' Rich Guy

17 Some guy ran up toz Happy Cat sayn "CheezyKitteh!! I can haz nine thouzandz lifes!?"
18 an Happy Cat is laik "iz not cheezy. only Ceiling Cat cheezykitteh.
19 u do what ceiling cat saiz and he gives u nine thouzandz of lifez"
20 Den the guy sez, "Me always do what ceiling cat saiz, even when me kitteh!"
21 Happy Cat went "pat pat pat" on the guy and saiz, "Den give away all yer cheezburgers."
22 Den the guy has a sad and runned away cuz he had lots uv cheezburgers.
23 Den Happy Cat told his deesiplez, "It too hard fer Fancy Feast kitteh to give up french cheezburger to get to teh ceiling."
24 Deesiplez were leik 'no wai', but Happy Cat sai, "Wai!
25 It easier for a eleefunt to go tru kitteh door, srsly."
26 Deesiplez were leik, "Den who can haz ceiling?"
27 Happy Cat stared at dem and sed, "Kittehs no can do dis, but Ceiling Cat can do it. He can dooz evryting."
28 Peter sez to Happy Cat, "We all leave nice kitteh scratch post to go wif u!"
29 Den Happy Cat sez, "Srsly, any kitteh dat haz left nice scratch post an fambly for da Good Mews can haz moar stuffs in ceiling. In dis world he can has lotsa stuff, but he gets growled at fer his faith. In ceiling he live nine thousandz of lifes, srsly. Kittehs who sleep on shelf heer will haz floor latrz, doze on floor can haz shelf latrz."