meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, August 9, 2009

Saturday, August 08, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, August 9, 2009

Sunday, August 9, 2009

2 Samuel 18.5–9, 15, 31–33
Psalm 130
1 Kings 19.4–8
Psalm 34.1–8
Ephesians 4.25—5.2
John 6.35, 41–51

Samuel 18.5–9, 15, 31–33

5 teh king commandd joab, abishai an ittai, "be gentle wif teh young man absalom 4 mah saek." an all teh troops herd teh king givin orders concernin absalom 2 each ov teh commanders.
6 teh army marchd into teh field 2 fight israel, an teh battle took place in da forest ov efraim.
7 thar teh army ov israel wuz defeatd by davidz doodz, an teh casualtiez dat dai wuz great - twenty thousand doodz!
8 teh battle spread out ovar teh whole countryside, an teh forest claimd moar livez dat dai than teh lightsaber.
9 nao absalom happend 2 meet davidz doodz. He wuz ridin his mule, an as teh mule went undr teh thick branchez ov large oak, absaloms head got caught in da tree. He wuz left hangin in midair, while teh mule he wuz ridin kept on goin!
15 an 10 ov joabs armor-bearers surroundd absalom, struck him an PWNED him.
31 den teh cushite arrivd an sed, "mah lord teh king, hear teh gud news! Teh lord has deliverd u todai frum all hoo rose up against u."
32 teh king askd teh cushite, "iz teh young man absalom safe?" Teh cushite replid, "cud teh enemiez ov mah lord teh king an all hoo rize up 2 harm u be liek dat young man."
33 teh king wuz shaken. He went up 2 teh room ovar teh gateway an wept. As he went, he sed: "o mah son absalom! Mah son, mah son absalom! If only i had did instead ov u absalom, mah son, mah son!"

Psalm 130

1 Dis place wuz teh suck so i wuz like "o hai Ceiling Cat"
2 Den i wuz all like "oi Ceiling Cat dun be afk coz i is lyk askin stufz"
3 Ceiling Cat if u iz all lyk postal cos of invisible error, iz we all fuxored?
4 But Ceiling Cat stil can giv cheezburgr if we sayz u pwn
5 I brb til Ceiling Cat sez i can has cheezburgr
6 Nvm i afk now, lyk idler in helpz room, til Ceiling Cat msg me
7 All kittehs afk waitn 4 cheezburgz cos Ceiling Cat can giv cheezburgr n Ceiling Cat giv cheezburgr to kittehs wiv invisble error
8 Wen Ceiling Cat bak from afk Ceiling Cat wil be all lyk "o hai kittehs, bout dat invisible error, lyk nvm, watevah"

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1 Kings 19.4–8

4 But him wen on a dai'z jurneh bai himself into teh wildness, an caem an sat undr a brum tree. An him prayed fer deth an sed, "Iz enuff! Ceiling Cat, getz meh outz uv here, Iz no bettah dan meh daddehs!"
5 Den as him sleepd unda a brum tree, suddenlee an angel-kitteh tuchd him, an sed, "Oh hai. Getz up an eats."
6 Den him lukd, an der by him hed wuz a caek baekd on coalz, an a jar uv waetr. So him eated an drinked, an wen bak to sleep.
7 An teh angel-kitteh uv Ceiling Cat caem bak a secunt tiem, an tuchd him, an sed, "Getz up an eats, fer teh jurneh iz too great fer yu."
8 So him gotz up an eated an drinked, an him wen in teh strenght uv dat fud ferteh dais and ferteh nites as far as Horeb, teh muntan uv Ceiling Cat.

Psalm 34

1 I r always talkins of Ceiling Cat
I r always say good tings.

2 My soul r brag 'bout Ceiling Cat
Let teh poor kittehs hear n be happies.

3 Lets rave 'bout Ceiling Cat
lets prase his kewl name togedder.

4 I meowed for Ceiling Cat an he answred me
He r save me from teh scary tings.

5 Teh kittehs dat trust him is happy cats
Dey nevar hav shameful face.

6 Dis poor kitteh called HALP! An Ceiling Cat heerded him,
He savded teh poor kitteh.

7 Teh Wingcat of teh Ceiling Cat is neer teh kittehs dat is respektful of him,
an halps dem.

8 Taste n u will see, dis Ceiling Cat has a flavr.
Cheezburgrs for teh kitteh dat seeks him.

9 Repekt teh Ceiling Cat, u good kittehs
Cuz respektful kittehs get all de good tings.

10 Teh big cats is gettinz weak n hungries
But kittehs who findz Ceiling Cat can has cheezburgrs.

11 Come to me, babby kittehs
I r goins teech u to respekt Ceiling Cat

12 U kittehs dat luv life
an r wants to haz 9 lives

13 Say no evil - mak shur cat have ur tongue!
An never tell lies n stuff.

14 Point ur tail at evil and do lotsa good tings
look for peece n chase it liek a maus.

15 Ceiling Cat is watchin teh good kittehs
An his ears is listenins for dere cries.

16 Ceiling Cat not look at kittehs dat do evil tings
He r delete dem from teh memory of teh urfs.

17 Teh good kittehs meow, and Ceiling Cat heers dem.
He are savins dem from teh sad tings.

18 Ceiling Cat r cuddlin teh kittehs whose harts is broked
An he r rescuins kittehs wit crushded spirits.

19 A good kitteh may havs lotsa trubbles
but Ceiling Cat r goin to halp him.

20 Ceiling Cat r garding call teh kitteh's bonez
Te kitteh r not have breakded bonez.

21 Evil r goinz to kill teh bad kittehs
Teh enemiez of all good kittehs r goins to be uthanized.

22 Ceiling Cat freez his kitteh d00ds;
No kitteh dat trusts in him is goinz to be doomd.

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Ephesians 4.25—5.2

25 So don BS uthr kittehs (i noes contraidikshin uz gud but still need me tellin u don lie; don worri bout it, kthx!).
26 If uthr kitteh piss u off, be caerful u don make invisbl err. An stop bein pissed if teh sun is goen down.
27 When u iz pissed, debil kitteh can taek ovr ur mind.
28 An WTF is wid kittehs bogarten all teh cheezburgers?!! Dat sheetz gotta stop, srsl. U shud hunt and bringz back noms fer de lil kitz or de sick kittehs.
29 I dun wanna heer no moer trash talk from u kittehs nether, even if iz funneh. Dat bad fer kitteh self esteem.
30 Don make Hovr Cat crai. Membr, he marked u so Ceiling Cat noes uz Hiz.
31 U ragers an haters got to chill, srsly.
32 Be nice to each udder, jes liek Jebus be nice to u, k?

Ceiling Cat haz teh Whup Ass
1 Be liek Ceiling Cat, cuz u noes he luvs u.
2 and luv teh uthr kittehs leik Jebus luv u. Membr Jebus gaeb hiz laif an eben all hiz cheezburgerz fur u. Dat nice prezent froom Jebus smelt leik fresh cookies outta de oven to Ceiling Cat.

John 6.35, 41–51

35 Jebus sed, "I iz deez cookiez, dose dat beleevs will neverz b witout chzbrgrz n creamz in ur saucerz.
41 Teh Joo kittehs hissed at Him cuz He sez, "I iz deez cookiez from teh ceiling."
42 N dey sed "Iz dis not Jesus, teh son of Joseph? I no hiz mommacat and tomcat! Din how he sez, 'I comz from teh ceiling?'"
43 Jebus sed, "Stop hissing at meh!
44 No wun kin comz to meh lest Ceiling cat hoo sint meh sez so, n I b raizin him in teh end.
45 It b dare in teh profits: 'Ceiling cat wud teech dem' dose dat hear ceiling cat n lurnz from Him comz to meh.
46 Kittehs can't seez ceiling cat, tho. Only teh one who is from teh ceiling can seez ceiling cat.
47 Kittehs! dose dat beleevs haz even more din 9lives!
48 I am teh cookiez dat offer even more din 9lives.
49 Momcatz n Tomcatz eatz chzbrgrz in teh desert n died.
50 Dis is teh cookiez from teh ceiling so dat kittehs cud eat it and haz even more din 9lives.
51 I iz teh cookiez from teh ceiling; dose dat eat dis cooki haz even more din 9lives. N teh cookiez I givz iz mai flesh for teh litez of teh wrld.