meeyauw: LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, July 5, 2009

Saturday, July 04, 2009

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, July 5, 2009

Sunday, July 5, 2009
2 Samuel 5.1–5, 9–10
Psalm 48
Ezekiel 2.1–5
Psalm 123
2 Corinthians 12.2–10
Mark 6.1–13

2 Samuel 5.1–5, 9–10
David Iz TopCat in Israel!!! OMG!!!

1 An all teh Israel peeps caem tu David at Hebron an wuz leik, "Wez yo kittehs fo reals! We iz wun fambly and stuffs! SRSLY, k?
2 Wen dat d00d Saul waz Top Cat n stuff, yu wuz teh wun who actshully leed uz wen we fited teh nasty doggz. An Ceiling Cat eben tol yu, 'Yuo gunna be teh sheperd uf mai Israel peeps, an yu gunna be Top Cat!'"
3 Teh old cats iz old, butt dey all goed to TopCat David at Hebron. Top Cat David maed deel with them (leik, yuz no steel mah mouseh toyz, I no poop in yuz food bowl, onlee teh deel wif David an teh old cats wuz a littel diffent, probly). Newai, den teh old cats giv David good lickin, wich meens dey liek him, an David waz TopCat in Israel! OMG YAY!!!
4 David wuz tirty wen him startd bein TopCat, an he bez teh Top Cat fo FOARTY YERS! OMG WOAAH!
5 He wuz in Hebron bein Top Cat uf Judah fo seben yers n six monts, an den in Jerusalem he wuz bein TopCat uf Judah AN Israel fo thirty-tree yaers! Srsly.

9 david den took up residence in da fortres an calld it teh city ov david. He built up teh area around it, frum teh supportin terracez [c] inward.
10 an he became moar an moar powerful, cuz teh lord ceilin cat almighty wuz wif him.

Psalm 48

1 Leet iz be Ceiling Cat, and mostest wurthy of prayze, in teh sandbox of owr Ceiling Cat, his holee mountan.
2 Itz pritty since iz be loftee, iz be joy of da hole urths. Liek the tippy-top of Zaphon iz Mount Zion, teh sandbox of teh leet King.
3 Ceiling Cat iz in her bases, bein all her bases.
4 Wen teh kingz joind up and stormd owt
5 dey sawd her an wuz liek, “WTF!!!” and ranz away.
6 dey wuz shakin and hurtin lieks laydee sqweezin owt a baby.
7 Yu pwned dem liek da boatz of Tarshish wuz pwned bai da eest wind.
8 Liek az we hearded, so we haz saw in teh sandbox of teh Almightee Ceiling Cat: him makes her sekur for evr. Selah! (wat diz meen!?)
9 Wez in yur temple, Ceiling Cat, thinkin bout yur luv.
10 Liek yur name, Ceiling Cat, yur prayzez goez to teh endes of teh urths; yur rite paw iz full wif righchusnez.
11 Mount Zion lols, alsoz lols teh sandboxes of Judah, cuz of yur jugementz.
12 Wandah round Zion, be countin her towahz,
13 be thinkin bout her rampartz, alsoz be thinking bout her bases, soez yu can be tellin future kitties bout dem.
14 For dis Ceiling Cat iz be owr Ceiling Cat, for evr and evr, and iz be owr leadah to teh endz. Srsly.

Ezekiel 2.1–5

Zeke am heer ceiling cat

1 Ceiling cat telled me "Stands up kitteh! I speex"
2 I standed ups liek majik.
3 Ceiling cat sez "Go on teh holibobz to Izrale. Teh peepz dere, dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me".
4 "Go dere (Dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me) an say 'I has from ceiling cat dudes, lissen!'"
5 "If dey has lissen or no has lissen (Dey iz trubble dere an doan liek Me) dey am seez u iz holiez kitteh. K?"

Psalm 123

1 I look at hole in ceiling.
2 Peoples need peoples and stuff so look at Ceiling Cat til is good 2 us.
3 Be excelnt 2 us cos teh others are not.
4 Bad people make fun of us.

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2 Corinthians 12.2–10

1-6 Ai haz mowr boastin to do. Even tho yu givz meh nufin, Ai continyu wif Ceiling Cat's revelashuns fuh yu. I haz dis kitteh dat wuz en teh Thyrd Ceiling, rly, an did he haz a kitteh-form der? Ai haz no idea. Ceiling cat noes, srsly. An Ai noe dat dis kitteh wuz takn to teh Ceiling. He herd tings. Tings he PWND me not to sai to yu. Ai tawk abowt kitteh liek dat cuz, tawk abowt meh? DO NOT WANT. But Ai tells yu mai seekret weeknesh. Even az a boastkitteh, Ai not foolkitteh. Cuz I b speekin dat truf, srsly! I haz PWN now. Yu no haz thots abowt wut Ai do or sai.

7-10 I no b hazin teh conseetnesh ov relevashuns. Dey b thorn in mai furz! Minyun of Basement Cat torments meh. Ai ax Jebus to taek dat frum meh. Jebus seys, "Mai grace, yu haz eet. Mai PWN is maed purfekt en ur weeknesh." Sos Ai tawk mowr abowt mez weeknesh to yu. JEBUS' PWN I WANTZ EET! Dis iz wai, fuh Jebus Ai sez to mai weeknesh, "Stai wif meh en teh PWN ov othr kittehs, en teh toylut bowl, teh littrbx. Wen Ai haz weeknesh, Ai haz Jebus' PWN."

Mark 6.1–13
A Proffet Wifout Honurz

1 Happy Cat left an went hoem, an teh disipls caem too.
2 An den on Caturday he wuz teechn in teh tempul, an teh peepul wuz liek, "Hay, dat iz awsum! Hao duz he kno all dez tings?
3 Iznt dat teh carpentur? Iznt dat gai Mary's son, and sum gai's brudder? Iz hiz sisturs heer?" An dey was annoyd.
4 An Happy Cat sed "Teh proffit iz wifout honurz onlee wen heez at hoam."
5 An Happy Cat cudnt do miraculz, except fur heeling sick peepulz.
6 An he wuz liek "Hay, wai dey dun gotz no faithz?" An heez went around to lotz of plaacez.

Happy Cat Sendz teh Twelvz
7 An Happy Cat wuz liek "Hay, twelvz, u can comz heer, k?" An den he said "U gaiz go owt an fiet teh ebil spiwitz, k? Remembr to uz teh buddy systmz!"
8 An his instrucshunz wuz liek "U taekz onli staff wif u, k?
9 An u wearz sandlz, but u not taekz spaer shurtz, k?
10 O, an wen u goez insied a howse, u staiz dere until u leevz town, k?
11 An if any plaice duznt hav peepz taht listnz to u, den u shaek ur feetz at dem wen u leevz, k?"
12 An dey went owt an dey wuz liek "Hay, u shud repentz, k?" And teh peepul wuz liek "Wut duz repent meen?" An dey wuz liek "Itz liek apolojyzin an bein gud, k?" An teh peepul wuz liek "o, okai."
13 An dey kickt owt lotz of demunz an dey heeld lotz of sik peepul.