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Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Haiku Bones: Sleep

This is my first submission to Haiku Bones. I welcome gentle suggestions. I continue to get conflicting advice about punctuation. I felt I needed it here. I also am not convinced that "powder" is the word I want. Thank you for visiting and reading.
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diigo it
_/\_/\_
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8 comments:

  1. Karen JoMarch 03, 2010 1:11 AM

    I never could write haiku, so my advice may not be very good. I also think that the comma is appropriate. I think that the word "powder" suggests the image you are conveying.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stan SkiMarch 03, 2010 2:42 AM

    Perhaps 'dust'? That keeps the first line to 5 syllables.
    Otherwise fine - and punctuation has got to be your call. English is such a dynamic language.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mary Stebbins TaittMarch 03, 2010 1:28 PM

    Nice.

    I mess around with words over and over and over, trying to find just the right one. And then I sometimes end up changing it back. Haiku is a VERY difficult form, but you've done a nice one.

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  4. rdlMarch 03, 2010 10:49 PM

    Nice job! i was thinking snow would be good, cept that you use it in the last line. i couldn't help myself from messing with this a little, hope you don't mind.

    warm dusting of snow
    weightless flakes drift through the air
    as the sap rises

    hope to see round haiku bones again soon!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AndreeMarch 03, 2010 10:51 PM

    thank you, rdl. I wish I had written that! It's more like what I was trying to convey!

    ReplyDelete
  6. JimMarch 04, 2010 2:39 AM

    This is a twist, Andree. Snow is usually cold. The snow I remember best was in a parking lot on Elm Steet (main street) in Manchester. It came down softly and was almost warm.
    ..
    I use a dash sometimes. A haiku is supposed to be a one sentence poem about nature, the last line or five +/- syllables are like a little kicker to the other twelve.
    A senryū is about personal matters instead of nature. That all is for the purists.
    So they tell me. In reality it all gets rather loose I think.
    ..

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  7. JimMarch 04, 2010 2:43 AM

    Wikipedia has a fairly thorough dicussion. They would have the haiku relate to the seasonal aspect of nature.
    Googling 'haiku' provides some interesting reading for a bit too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousMarch 04, 2010 12:38 PM

    Love it, and I remember a haiku you did a long time ago that really impressed me.

    Sometimes I go back and change words, even after the haiga is posted!

    ReplyDelete

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