Friday, October 29, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Halloween, October 31, 2010

Halloween Sunday, October 31, 2010

Habakkuk 1:1-4; 2:1-4
Psalm 119:137-144
Isaiah 1:10-18
Psalm 32:1-7
2 Thessalonians 1:1-4, 11-12
Luke 19:1-10

 

Habakkuk 1:1-4; 2:1-4

Habakkuk
1 Teh orakul dat Habakkuk teh prophet gotzted. Habakkuk sez
2 OHAITHAR Ceiling CAt, why u be ignorin me?
3 ur all liek, "violenz n haterz, let me show you dem"
4 ther4, u suck. luv, Habakkuk

1 Me goes on meh chimneys and waits for Ceiling Cat. He ansurz aftr while about I said... and might taeks meh cheezburgers CEILING CAT'S answer
2 So Ceiling Cat sez: "Here's a tablet, makes it with big pawz so other kittehs can see, k?"
3 "I knoes u be waitin 4 da revelashun, but these things take time. hez comin tho, u wait." (Check back of book if u can't wait)
4 "And chekz it out, k. The kitteh with big thinks about hizself... hiz fur iz not so fluffy, srsly! But, the good kittehs haz the nine lives cuz dey the trust Ceiling Cat."

funny pictures-He hazd a brane...  but we eeated it.

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Psalm 119

Funny Pictures of Cats with Captions

Teh Aleph
1 [a] Luky dem hus pat iz raizos, dey hu fallow da Ceiling Cats lov.2 Luky dem hu keepz Hiz kovenant an bai their hole hart azk Hiz wil,3 thei hu don do ´rong but wook Hiz wayz.4 U´ve given ur rulz to bii fulli obeid.5 Aww, dat mai wayz wer stedi wen dooin´ woot u sayz!6 I won´t be a n00b wen i´m dooin´ all w00t u sayz.7 Ai wil meow 2 u from mai hart wen learnin´ ur gud lawz.8 Ai wil do w00t u sayz - never 4sake me.

Teh Beth
9 How a lil´ kittah keepz hiz wei purrrrr? Bai livin´ az u sayz.10 Aim lockin´ 4 u wit all my hart; don´t let me to do w00t u not wish.11 Ur word is in mai hart, stoppin my sins12 Meow 2 u, aww Ceiling Cat, teez me w00t u sayz13 Ai wil sayz 2 evry1 all dat komes from ur mouth14 Ai liek 2 do w00t ya sayz liek ai liek a kup o´ gud milk.15 I think ov w00t u sayz´n luk 4 ur wayz.16 Ai enzoi w00t u sayz; ai wil not 4get ur wordz

Teh Gimel
17 Pet ya lil´ kittah´n ai wil liev, ai wil obei ur wordz.18 Open mai aiz 2 see niec tingz in ur law.19 Ai am a stranger on earth; don´t hide w00t u sayz from me.20 Mah soul iz consumd wif longin 4 ur laws at all tiems.21 u rebuke teh arrogant, hoo r accursd, Dose hoo stray frum ur commandz.22 remoov frum me scorn an contempt, 4 i keep ur statutez.23 though rulers sit togethr an slandr me, Ur servant will meditate on ur decreez.24 ur statutez r mah delight; They r mah counselors.

Teh Daleth
25 Im laid low in da dust; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur werd.26 i gaev an akownt ov mah ways an u anzwerd me; Teach me ur decreez.27 cause me 2 understand teh wai ov ur precepts, Dat i cud meditate on ur wanderbl deedz.28 mah soul iz weary wif sorrow; Strengthen me accordin 2 ur werd.29 keep me frum deceitful ways; Be grashus 2 me an teach me ur law.30 i has chosen teh wai ov faithfulnes; I has set mah hart on ur laws.31 i hold fast 2 ur statutez, lord; Do not let me be put 2 shame.32 i run in da path ov ur commandz, 4 u has set mah hart free.

Teh He
33 Teach me, lord, teh wai ov ur decreez, Dat i cud follow it 2 teh end. [b]34 gimie understandin, so dat i cud keep ur law An obey it wif all mah hart.35 direct me in da path ov ur commandz, 4 thar i find delight.36 turn mah hart toward ur statutez An not toward selfish gain.37 turn mah eyez away frum worthles things; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur werd. [c]38 fulfill ur promize 2 ur servant, So dat u cud be feard.39 taek away teh disgrace i dread, 4 ur laws r gud.40 how i long 4 ur precepts! In ur righteousnes preserve mah life.

Teh Waw
41 Cud ur unfailin luv come 2 me, lord, Ur salvashun, accordin 2 ur promize;42 den i can anzwr anyone hoo taunts me, 4 i trust in ur werd.43 nevr taek ur werd ov truth frum mah mouth, 4 i has put mah hope in ur laws.44 im gonna always obey ur law, 4 evr an evr.45 im gonna walk bout in freedom, 4 i has sought out ur precepts.46 im gonna speek ov ur statutez before kings An will not be put 2 shame,47 4 i delight in ur commandz Cuz i luv them.48 i reach out 4 ur commandz, which i luv, Dat i cud meditate on ur decreez.

Teh Zayin
49 Oh hai, u no can has forget ur meows to ur behbeh kitteh, fur u haz gave me cheezburger and u has not eated it.50 Iz sik from bad fud but Ceiling Cat sez Ceiling Cat can has keeps me aliev.51 Teh no gud puppehs bark an bark an bark, but Iz eated ur cheezburgerz.52 Ceiling Cat, I can has ur old cheezburgerz, an I eats dem and Iz happeh.53 Iz mad at teh no gud puppehs dat no has gud cheezburgerz.54 I eats ur cheezburgerz were i seepz. Srlsy.55 Wen iz dark, Ceiling Cat, I can has ur naem, cuz I wants can has cheezburgerz.56 I alweyz eated ur cheezburgerz. Kthxbai

Teh Heth
57 Oh hai, u r mah cheezburger, Ceiling Cat; I has promisd 2 obey ur meowz. Srlsy.58 i has sought ur face wif all mah hart; givz me cheezburgerz 2 me accordin 2 ur promize,kthx.59 i has considerd mah ways An has turnd mah pawz 2 ur statutez.60 im gonna hasten an not delay 2 obey ur meowz.61 though teh puppehs bind me wif ropez, Im gonna not forget ur cheezburger.62 at midnite i rize 2 giv u thx 4 ur cheezburgers. (Even tho I seeps 20 hrs per day. I iz kitteh an I gets up in teh middle ov teh nite. Srlsy.)63 im frend 2 all hoo fear u, 2 all hoo follow ur meowz.64 teh Urfs iz filld wif cheezburgerz, Ceiling Cat; Teach me ur decreez. Kthxbai

Teh Teth
65 Oh hai, do gud 2 ur behbeh kitteh Accordin 2 ur meows, Ceiling Cat.66 I wantz to lurn all bout u an teh ceiling, 4 u is teh awsum.67 before i wuz sik i went in rong kitteh boks, But nao i lissen 2 Ceiling Cat. Srsly.68 u r gud, an wut u do iz teh gud; I can has troof plz?69 though teh no gud puppehs has barked an barkd and barkd, I believs u.70 they is teh meen, But i lieks ur cheezburgerz.71 it wuz gud 4 me 2 be teh sik behbeh kitteh cuz I lurned ur roolz. 72 I lurves teh meows frum Ceiling Cat moar Than teh fanci feest kitteh fud. Kthxbai

Teh Yoda
73 Ur hanz made me an formd me; Gimie understandin 2 lern ur commandz.75 i knoe, lord, dat ur laws r righteous, An dat in faithfulnes u has afflictd me.76 cud ur unfailin luv be mah comfort, Accordin 2 ur promize 2 ur servant.77 let ur compashun come 2 me dat i cud liv, 4 ur law iz mah delight.78 cud teh arrogant be put 2 shame 4 wrongin me without cause; But im gonna meditate on ur precepts.79 cud dose hoo fear u turn 2 me, Dose hoo understand ur statutez.80 cud mah hart be blameles toward ur decreez, Dat i cud not be put 2 shame.

Teh Kaph
81 Mah soul faints wif longin 4 ur salvashun, But i has put mah hope in ur werd.82 mah eyez fail, lookin 4 ur promize; I say, "when will u comfort me?"83 though im liek wineskin in da smoke, I no forget ur decreez.84 how long must ur servant wait? When will u punish mah persecutors?85 teh arrogant dig pits 2 trap me, Contrary 2 ur law.86 all ur commandz r trustworthy; Halp me, 4 im bean persecutd without cause.87 they almost wipd me frum teh earth, But i has not forsaken ur precepts.88 in ur unfailin luv preserve mah life, Dat i cud obey teh statutez ov ur mouth.

Teh Lamedh
89 Ur werd, lord, iz eternal; It standz firm in da heavens.90 ur faithfulnes continuez thru all generashuns; U establishd teh earth, an it endurez.91 ur laws endure 2 dis dai, 4 all things serve u.92 if ur law had not been mah delight, I wud has perishd in mah afflicshun.93 im gonna nevr forget ur precepts, 4 by them u has preservd mah life.94 save me, 4 im yours; I has sought out ur precepts.95 teh wickd r waitin 2 destroy me, But im gonna pondr ur statutez.96 2 all perfecshun i c limit, But ur commandz r boundles.

Teh Mem
97 oh, how i luv ur law! I meditate on it all dai long.98 ur commandz r always wif me An mak me wisr than mah enemiez.99 i has moar insight than all mah teachers, 4 i meditate on ur statutez.100 i has moar understandin than teh elders, 4 i obey ur precepts.101 i has kept mah feet frum evry evil path So dat i mite obey ur werd.102 i has not departd frum ur laws, 4 u yourself has taught me.103 how sweet r ur werdz 2 mah taste, Sweetr than honey 2 mah mouth!104 i gain understandin frum ur precepts; Therefore i hate evry wrong path.

Teh Nun
105 Ur werd iz lamp 2 mah feet An light 4 mah path.106 i has taken an oath an confirmd it, Dat im gonna follow ur righteous laws.107 i has sufferd mutch; Preserve mah life, lord, accordin 2 ur werd.108 accept, lord, teh willin praize ov mah mouth, An teach me ur laws.109 though i constantly taek mah life in mah hanz, Im gonna not forget ur law.110 teh wickd has set snare 4 me, But i has not strayd frum ur precepts.111 ur statutez r mah heritage forevr; They r teh joy ov mah hart.112 mah hart iz set on keepin ur decreez 2 teh vry end. [d]

Teh Samekh
113 i hate double-mindd peeps, But i luv ur law.114 u r mah refuge an mah shield; I has put mah hope in ur werd.115 away frum me, u evildoers, Dat i cud keep teh commandz ov mah ceilin cat!116 sustain me accordin 2 ur promize, an im gonna liv; Do not let mah hopez be dashd.117 ufold me, an im gonna be deliverd; Im gonna always has regard 4 ur decreez.118 u reject all hoo stray frum ur decreez, 4 their delushuns come 2 nothin.119 all teh wickd ov teh earth u discard liek dros; Therefore i luv ur statutez.120 mah flesh tremblez in fear ov u; I stand in awe ov ur laws.

funny pictures of cats with captions

Teh Ayin
121 I has dun wut iz righteous an jus; Do not leef me 2 mah oppresors.122 ensure ur servants well-bean; Do not let teh arrogant oppres me.123 mah eyez fail, lookin 4 ur salvashun, Lookin 4 ur righteous promize.124 deal wif ur servant accordin 2 ur luv An teach me ur decreez.125 im ur servant; gimie discernment Dat i cud understand ur statutez.126 it tiem 4 u 2 act, lord; Ur law iz bean brokd.127 cuz i luv ur commandz Moar than gold, moar than pure gold,128 an cuz i considr all ur precepts rite, I hate evry wrong path.

Teh Pe
129 Ur statutez r wanderbl; Therefore i obey them.130 teh unfoldin ov ur werdz givez light; It givez understandin 2 teh simple.131 i open mah mouth an pant, Longin 4 ur commandz.132 turn 2 me an has mercy on me, As u always do 2 dose hoo luv ur naym.133 direct mah footsteps accordin 2 ur werd; Let no sin rule ovar me.134 redeem me frum hooman oppreshun, Dat i cud obey ur precepts.135 mak ur face shine on ur servant An teach me ur decreez.136 streams ov tears flow frum mah eyez, 4 ur law iz not obeyd.

Teh Tsadhe
137 U r righteous, lord, An ur laws r rite.138 teh statutez u has laid down r righteous; They r fully trustworthy.139 mah zeal wears me out, 4 mah enemiez ignore ur werdz.140 ur promisez has been thoroughly testd, An ur servant lovez them.141 though im lowly an despisd, I no forget ur precepts.142 ur righteousnes iz evrlastin An ur law iz true.143 trouble an distres has come upon me, But ur commandz gimie delight.144 ur statutez r always righteous; Gimie understandin dat i cud liv.

Teh Qoph
145 I call wif all mah hart; anzwr me, lord, An im gonna obey ur decreez.146 i call out 2 u; save me An im gonna keep ur statutez.147 i rize before dawn an cry 4 halp; I has put mah hope in ur werd.148 mah eyez stay open thru teh watchez ov teh nite, Dat i cud meditate on ur promisez.149 hear mah voice in accordance wif ur luv; Preserve mah life, lord, accordin 2 ur laws.150 dose hoo devize wickd schemez r near, But they r far frum ur law.151 yet u r near, lord, An all ur commandz r true.152 long ago i lernd frum ur statutez Dat u establishd them 2 last forevr.

Teh Resh
153 Look on mah sufferin an delivr me, 4 i has not forgotten ur law.154 defend mah cause an redeem me; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur promize.155 salvashun iz far frum teh wickd, 4 they do not seek out ur decreez.156 ur compashun, lord, iz great; Preserve mah life accordin 2 ur laws.157 lotz da r teh foez hoo persecute me, But i has not turnd frum ur statutez.158 i look on teh faithles wif loathin, 4 they do not obey ur werd.159 c how i luv ur precepts; Preserve mah life, lord, in accordance wif ur luv.160 all ur werdz r true; All ur righteous laws r eternal.

Teh Sin and Teh Shin
161 Rulers persecute me without cause, But mah hart tremblez at ur werd.162 i rejoice in ur promize Liek wan hoo findz great spoil.163 i hate an detest falsehood But i luv ur law.164 7 tiems dai i praize u 4 ur righteous laws.165 great peace has dose hoo luv ur law, An nothin can mak them stumble.166 i wait 4 ur salvashun, lord, An i follow ur commandz.167 i obey ur statutez, 4 i luv them greatly.168 i obey ur precepts an ur statutez, 4 all mah ways r known 2 u.

Teh Taw
169 Cud mah cry come before u, lord; Gimie understandin accordin 2 ur werd.170 cud mah supplicashun come before u; Delivr me accordin 2 ur promize.171 cud mah lips overflow wif praize, 4 u teach me ur decreez.172 cud mah tongue sing ov ur werd, 4 all ur commandz r righteous.173 cud ur hand be ready 2 halp me, 4 i has chosen ur precepts.174 i long 4 ur salvashun, lord, An ur law givez me delight.175 let me liv dat i cud praize u, An cud ur laws sustain me.176 i has strayd liek lost sheep. Seek ur servant, 4 i has not forgotten ur commandz.


Teh Footnotes
a - Psalm 119:1 dis psalm iz an acrostic poem; teh versez ov each stanza begin wif teh same lettr ov teh hebrew alfabet. Srlsy. Kthxbai
b - Psalm 119:33 or follow it 4 itz reward
c - Psalm 119:37 2 manuscripts ov teh masoretic text an ded sea scrolls; most manuscripts ov teh masoretic text life in ur wai
d - Psalm 119:112 or / 4 their endurin cheezburgerz

 
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Isaiah 1:10-18

10 Ffs, dis iz teh last taim ceiling cat iz gonna tel u:
11 "ZOMG GUISE, AI HAZ ENUF OV U KITTEHS! Tank u so much 4 kepin al teh mousez for me but ai kant eats dem al dat fast! Iz not lol ennimor! We iz waistin teh mousez! U iz can haz bein killin al teh mousez an i iz sik ov it!
12 "Eniwai, hu tolded u to get al teh mousez and be rekkin mai haus? Not ai. Ceiling cat don be tellin nowun to be makin teh mes u kittehs haz maid.
13 "So nau ceiling cat be tellin u to stop gettin al teh mousez,
14 an u not be aloud to haz al nait partees enimor coz ceiling cat iz gettin jak ov it. Teh muzak iz too laud an teh nayborz don liek r0x0rz muzak eniwai. If u guise haz anuzza partee den ceiling cat wil be shautin 'oh hai everywun, i iz in ur partay and i iz shuttin it daun.'
15 "An i noes dat u iz gunna cumplain bout it, but ceiling cat iz gunna sai 'tork to mai por' and waiv hiz por arund soz that he kant here u kittehs cumplainin. It iz al ur foltz for not ternin daun teh muzak, an i iz punishin u al.
16 "Soz befor ceiling cat kikz ur kittehbutts outta teh haus, kleen it up alredi. Stop be trashin mai haus. uzzawize no mor cheezburgrz, EVA."
17 "Ceiling Cat sayz lerns teh gud; Find justices, k? Tell teh opprezzed dey can has cheezburgrz. Care 4 teh littel orphan bebes. N cry fur teh widowz."
18 At tis point, ceiling kat iz eetin a cheezburgr NOM NOM NOM to remaind teh kittehs hu da boss.

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Psalm 32

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1 Cheezburgerz iz for him who iz badnesh are forgeevenz, whoes invizible error hav hided.

2 Cheezberger for da cat whoes invizible erros teh Ceiling Cat doeshunt haz ues againsht him and in whoes speerits iz noes trickory.

3 When ai iz be quiet, mai bonse waisted awai cuz ai iz meowing all de dai lawng.

4 Foh dai and nite Yor big paw wuz on meh; and ai wuz week and fraid of getting crushord az in de heet of shummer. Srsly

5 Den ai told yu, Ceiling Cat, dat ai invizible errored and did nawt coverz up nuthin. ai sayz, "ai haz confesh meh transhazgreshonz to de Ceiling Cat"— and yu forgivend da gilt of meh invizible error. Srsly

6 Derfore let allz whoes iz luv Ceiling Cat prai to yuz Whaile yu may bez lickd; shurly when da mitey watahs risez, Dey will nots get him wets.

7 Yu are my shafe place; yu will hidez me from bad gaiz k? and seengz lotsh of songs plz. Srsly

8 ai will haz teachre yu de wai to goz; ai will haz watch yu az yu go, and shometiem whiel yu lick yurshelf.

9 Dunt be like de horsie or mulez, k? dey got no undershtanding and musht be ridden on bai kittiez wit bitz and bridles or dey wunt come to yu.

10 Many sadness iz for de bad kittie, but de Ceiling Cat luvs de kittie who haz trust him. kthx!

11 Be extatik wif da Ceiling Cat and be goowd kittie; seeng, allz yu hoo are uprites in de hart! kthxbai!

 
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2 Thessalonians 1:1-4, 11-12

1 Ket bros Paul, Silvanus, and Timothy sez to the chuch of teh Thessalonians in Ceiling Cat teh biggie and teh Jebus:
2 Oh hai, u guise can haz cheezbrgrs an peeces from Ceiling Cat teh biggie and Lod Jebus, kgud? Theys is, cuz you has bin, k.

Thanksing an Praer
3 Alwaise shud be thanksing Ceiling Cat for youse, yo faythe is hasn a flavor an teh luvz ofteh kets an for teh udder guise is wikid an grows the wikidness bigger, ttlysrsly.
4 So we rubz ouselves and spray in teh homes of Ceiling Cat celebratin ur pounce and belieevez in all your persimmons and teh whiskas you endure.

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11 OK, wez alwais prai fr yu, so taht Ceiling Cat maek you gud fr himz to call or txt msg, an maiks evrthngs yuo dose wurk soopr gud,
12 4 so Lod Jebus naem maek yuo teh roxxor, an him teh roxxors too LOL, liek Ceiling Cat and Jebus grayce kthxbai.

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Luke 19:1-10

lolcats and funny picturesJebus and Zaccheus
1 Jebus goed to Jericho.
2 An der wuz dis rich IRS d00d Zaccheus who want see Jebus
3 but him too short to see! LOL
4 Him smrt d00d an clim up tree.
5 Den Jebus luk up in tree an sez "Oh hai! Git down, cuz I crash at ur plaes toniet."
6 An Zaccheus wuz happi.
7 But ppl sez "WTF? Him bad kitteh! Wai Jebus stay wit him?"
8 But Zaccheus sez "I be gud kitteh frm now on an gif bak all teh cheezburgrs I stealded. Timz foar!"
9 An Jebus sez "Yay! U be savd now!10 Datz wut I heer to do!"

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