Friday, June 18, 2010

LOL Cat Bible: Lectionary Readings for Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sunday, June 20, 2010

1 Kings 19:1-4, (5-7), 8-15a
Psalm 42 and 43     
Isaiah 65:1-9
Psalm 22:19-28     
Galatians 3:23-29     
Luke 8:26-39


1 Kings 19:1-4, (5-7), 8-15a
Elikhat Can Runned Frum Jezebel

1 An Ahab can telled Jezebel wut Elikhat had dun, an how him pwnd all teh proffetz wif him machine gun.
2 Den Jezebel sen a txt to Elikhat an it sed, "Iz goan to pwnz yu dis tiem tomorrow, kthnxbai."
3 An wen him gotz dat txt, him ran fer him lief, an wen to Beersheba, which belongz to Judah, an left him servunt dere.
4 But him wen on a dai'z jurneh bai himself into teh wildness, an caem an sat undr a brum tree. An him prayed fer deth an sed, "Iz enuff! Ceiling Cat, getz meh outz uv here, Iz no bettah dan meh daddehs!"
5 Den as him sleepd unda a brum tree, suddenlee an angel-kitteh tuchd him, an sed, "Oh hai. Getz up an eats."
6 Den him lukd, an der by him hed wuz a caek baekd on coalz, an a jar uv waetr. So him eated an drinked, an wen bak to sleep.
7 An teh angel-kitteh uv Ceiling Cat caem bak a secunt tiem, an tuchd him, an sed, "Getz up an eats, fer teh jurneh iz too great fer yu."
8 So him gotz up an eated an drinked, an him wen in teh strenght uv dat fud ferteh dais and ferteh nites as far as Horeb, teh muntan uv Ceiling Cat.
9 An der him wen into a caev, an spent teh nite in dat plaec; teh word uv Ceiling Cat caem to him, an sed, "Oh hai. Y yu here, d00d?"
10 So him sed, "Iz has bustd mai tailz off fer Ceiling Cat; fer teh Kiddehz uv Israel has forsaekn Yur promiz, teared down Yur altarz, an pwnd Yur proffetz wif der machine gunz. Iz onleh survivah; an dey wantz meh ded."

Ceiling Cat's Revelatchun To Elikhat 
11 Den Ceiling Cat sed, "Go out, an stand on teh muntan befoer Meh." An behuld, Ceiling Cat passd bai, an a graet an strong wind toer into teh muntanz an breaked teh rokz in pieces befor Ceiling Cat, but Ceiling Cat wuz no in teh wind; an afetr teh wind teh urth shuk,
12 but Ceiling Cat wuz no dere either; an afetr teh urth shuk dere wuz a fier, but Ceiling Cat wuz no dere either; an afetr teh fier dere wuz a small voiec.
13 Wen Elikhat herd dis, him wrapped him faec in him mantel an wen out an stud in teh entranec uv teh caev. Suddenlee a voiec caem to him, an sed, "Y yu here, Elikhat?"
14 An him sed, "Iz has bustd mai tailz off fer Ceiling Cat; fer teh Kiddehz uv Israel has forsaekn Yur promiz, teared down Yur altarz, an pwnd Yur proffetz wif der machine gunz. Iz onleh survivah; an dey wantz meh ded."
15 Den Ceiling Cat sed to him: "Go bak to teh Wildurnez uv Damascus; wen yu get dere, anoint Hazael as king ovah Syria.

funny pictures of cats with captions

Psalm 42
4 da director ov music. A maskil ov teh suns ov kora.

1 Az teh dear pnts 4 streems ov waterz,
so mai sool pnts 4 yu, O Ceiling Cat. Srsly.

2 Mai sool thrsts 4 Ceiling Cat, 4 teh livin Ceiling Cat.
Whenn can ai gos an b liek, "Oh Hai, Ceiling Cat."

3 Mai teers, dere in mai foods
dey an nite,
an kittehs sez too meh all teh tiemz,
"Whar iz yur Ceiling Cat, d00d?"

4 Dese tings ai member
az ai poor owt mai sool:
how ai yusd too gos wif teh lots ov kittehs,
leedin teh crowd ov kittehs too teh howse ov teh Ceiling Cat,
wif showts ov joi an thx
amung teh happ frong.

5 Wai r yu sad, o mai sool?
Wai u no happ?
Put yur hoep in teh Ceiling Cat,
4 ai wilz sez niec stufs to his,
mai Saevr an6 mai Ceiling Cat.
Mai sool iz sad wifin meh;
dere4 ai wilz member yu
frum teh land uv teh J0rdan,
teh haits ov Hurm0n - from Mownt Myzar.

7 Deep sez, "Oh Hai!" too deep
in teh roor ov yur waterz;
al yur wavz an brakers ar belong too us
hav coem ovr meh.

8 By dey teh Ceiling Cat givz him lovz but not teh buttseks kynd,
at nite him song iz wif meh -
ai talkz too teh Ceiling Cat ov mai liefz.

9 Ai sez too Ceiling Cat mai rok,
"Wai hav yu 4gttn meh d00d?
Wai must ai b al cryin an stufz,
opresed bai teh Basement Cat?

10 Mai boens sufr an stufz
az mai foz act all ugly
sayin too meh alz dey long,
"Whar iz yur Ceiling Cat?"

11 Wai ar yu sad, o mai sool?
Wai so freekd owt wifin meh?
Put yur hoep in Ceiling Cat,
4 ai wilz cal him c00l,
mai Saevr an mai Ceiling Cat.

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Psalm 43

1 Don't taz me, Ceiling Cat!
and tellz them bad peeps I didunt do it,
saves me from teh bad man!

2 Youz all powerful and stuff.
Why u no liek me?
Why I gotta be all sad,
and let teh man keep me down?

3 Do that "Lets therr be lites" thing again.
So I can see, dood
So I can get to teh Ceiling
Where da party at.

4 Then I goes to hole in ceiling
and gives you cheezburger.
I say how cul u is, I plays a little guitar
O Ceiling Cat, my Ceiling Cat.

5 Why I so mad?
Why I all actin' a foo an stuff?
Srsly, just worship teh Ceiling Cat,
and preys him,
and he saves u, dude.

funny pictures of cats with captions
Isaiah 65:1-9
judgment an salvashun

1 "i reveald myself 2 dose hoo did not ask 4 me; I wuz findz by dose hoo did not seek me. 2 nashun dat did not call on mah naym, I sed, her iz i, her iz i.
2 all dai long i has held out mah hanz 2 an obstinate peeps, Hoo walk in ways not gud, Pursuin their own imaginashuns-
3 a peeps hoo continually provoke me 2 mah vry face, Offerin sacrificez in gardens An burnin incense on altars ov brick;
4 hoo sit among teh gravez An spend their nitez keepin seekret vigil; Hoo eat teh flesh ov pigs, An whose pots hold broth ov unclean meat;
5 hoo say, keep away; doan come near me, 4 im 2 sacrd 4 u! Such peeps r smoke in mah nostrils, A fire dat keeps burnin all dai.
6 "c, it standz written before me: Im gonna not keep silent but will pai bak in full; Im gonna pai it bak into their laps-
7 both ur sins an teh sins ov ur fathers," Sez teh lord. "cuz they burnd sacrificez on teh mountains An defid me on teh hills, Im gonna measure into their laps Teh full payment 4 their formr deedz."
8 dis ar teh wut teh lord sez: "as when juice iz still findz in clustr ov grapez An doodz say, doan destroy it, Thar iz yet sum gud in it, So will i doez in behalf ov mah servants; Im gonna not destroy them all.
9 im gonna brin forth descendants frum jacob, An frum judah dose hoo will posess mah mountains; Mah chosen peeps will inherit them, An thar will mah servants liv.

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Psalm 22

1 omg y u haz left me? I iz cryin it is no can haz be hugs time now?
2 I callz u all dai, u no talk. I callz all nite, I no can haz sleepz.
3 u is on teh thrones, gettin praised by teh Israel.
4 u is be gettin trusted by teh ancesters. u is savin themz.
5 they was be callin u and ezcapin from dangerz. dey was be trustin u.
6 I is no longer bein cat. now iz just worms. nobody wants it to haz be hugs time now.
7 everyone seez me iz liek "lolcat" and shakez headz.
8 dey iz liek "u luv teh cieling cat, he no saves u. lolcat, he no liek u."
9 u made me born safe. u luv me when I haz waz bein cute kitten in bowl.
10 I luvz u alwayz, u alwayz iz watchin me masticate.
11 Dun go! No one else will halp. srsly.
12 OK so there iz buckits all around.
13 dey is haz me! oh no!
14 me is wax cat. wax cat is wax and haz no strengths.
15 throat iz liek dry. my tongue is in my mouth, stickin.
16 dere is invisible bikes round meh. dey runs over meh.
17 mah enemeez iz liek "we can see ur bonez"
18 dey iz liek "I get hiz clothez!"
19 Ceiling Cat! keep wachings!
20 dun let invisible bike hit me!
21 HLEP LOL!
22 I tells othur cats bout yoo Ceiling Cat. I masticates fur u.
23 Everyone masticates fer Ceiling Cat!
24 He watch alls masticates!
25 I masticates in front of everyones fer u Ceiling Cat! U watch! I gives you cheezburgers!
26 Teh poor can haz cheezburgers too! All dey is wantings!
27 Ceiling Cat pickshur never get deleted! He watch everyone fur evar!
28 Ceiling Cat rules teh ceilings.
29 All proud cats masticates fer him. All mortuhls masticates fer him.
30 He watches all cats in futoor masticates.
31 Even cats not born be told "Ceiling Cat is watching you masticate."

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
Galatians 3:23-29
23 B4, we wuz all just bound to got squirted, but now we don gotta, cuz we can has trusts!
24 All dem rulz showed us how to have trusts like Baby Jesus, and no did get squirted.
25 Ditto.

U be iz the kittenz uv Cieling Cat
26 U is belong to Ceiling Cat win u has trusts in teh Baby Jebus.
27 U got a baf, but it wuz for ur own good and now u iz cleen.
28 All u kittehs can b famly wif teh Baby Jebus.
29 If u is wif him, u getz to cher hiz strings!   




Luke 8:26-39
Demnz vs. pigz

26 Dey wented across teh laek.
27 A d00d wuz waitin dere. He wuz pozessted bai a demn. He wuz nakid all teh tiem an livd in teh semetari.
28 When he seed Jesus he fel onto teh ground an wuz liek "Doan hurt me plz Jesus."
29 Jesus telld teh demn to get out of teh man. It wuz alwaiz causin trubl. Peepl put teh d00d in chainz an garded him but he wud alwaiz braek out an teh demn maded him run awai.
30 Jesus wuz liek, "What iz ur naem d00d."
Teh d00d sed "Lotz," bcz dere wuz lotz of demnz in him.
31 Teh demnz wuz all liek "O noes, plz doant send us to hell Jesus." Bcz evn demnz doant liek Hell, it sux LOL.
32 Jesus letted teh demnz go into sum pigz insted.
33 An all teh pigz jumpted into teh laek an drownded LOL.
34 Teh peeplz who wuz watchin teh pigz runned off to tel evribodi. U cant realli blaem dem.
35 Evribodi who heerd about it wuz liek "OMG crazi pigz" an ran out to see. Dey found teh d00d who use to hav teh demnz sittin wif Jesus. He wuznt nutz no moar an he wuz evn wearin clothz. Evribodi wuz all "WTF?" an gotted scaerd.
36 Dey founded out dat Jesus cured him.
37 Dat maed dem scaerd and dey telld Jesus to leev an he did.
38 Teh man who use to be pozested wantid to go along, but Jesus wuz liek, "No,
39 go hoem an tel evribodi what Ceiling Cat didded for u." So he did.




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